From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Commander Guy Decider War President gets a hunch:
WASHINGTON, DC—In an East Room press conference Tuesday, President Bush told reporters that he had the "sneaking feeling" that 68 percent of the U.S. population hated his guts that day.
"Maybe it's just me, but when I woke up this morning, it really seemed like 60 percent of men and 77 percent of women didn't want to have anything to do with me," Bush said.
Though Bush admitted he found it "disquieting" that more than two-thirds of the country thinks he is not the right man to lead the nation, he assured the public that he "won't let it affect the way [he does his] job in any way."
---The Onion
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Note: Y'know, there's just something about you that rubs me the wrong way. I think it's your Coracoclavicular ligaments.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Chicago August 2-5: 78
Days `til the New Hampshire primary Jan. 22, 2008: 251
Number of new books on Princess Diana that will be published this year: 14
Number of existing books on Diana in print in the U.S. now: 180
(Source: Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Amount the average middle-class child costs his or her parents by the time he or she turns 18: $191,000
(Source: USDA study via Newsweek)
Current amount of Barney's bar tab on The Simpsons: $14 Billion
(NASA estimate via Entertainment Weekly)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 158 (including 1 petrified Jerry Falwell and 6 new Unitarian Universalists). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today. And for Accu-Wrath weather anytime, click here.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Graduate of the Dick Cheney School of Modeling?
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CHEERS to a gathering of liberals. The eastern elites had their YearlyKos fundraisers in New York and D.C. Now it's California's turn to have one of their own. The date: June 1. The time: 7pm. The place: The groovy Roe Restaurant & Lounge in San Francisco. The nude strippers: Markos, Brian Keeler, Hunter, Gina Cooper, Kid Oakland, SusanG, Navajo, San Francisco’s Drinking Liberally chapter, the Calitics crew, and other Left Coast luminaries. Plus wine provided by Hopper Creek. Don’t risk being turned away at the door...reserve your tickets now. (And one word of caution: when Hunter whips out the pineapple, stand back.)
JEERS to tap-dancing gorillas. At last night's Gestapo Republic Party debate, Mitt Romney insisted we should "Double Guantanamo." Meanwhile Giuliani and Tancredo cried, "Waterboarding now! Waterboarding 4 Evuh!" And then they all wrestled Ron Paul to the ground and shoved bamboo shoots up his fingernails while the cheering audience flicked their Bics. A low-key affair this time.
JEERS to Jerry Falwell. Not because he was a right-wing extremist who gained enormous power by bamboozling his ignorant followers. Not because he twisted the words of The Bible to suit his political aims. Not because he preached hate in direct opposition to the way Jesus preached love. Not because he blamed 9/11 on the feminists and the gays. No, I jeer him today because he died before I could finish knitting him this sweater. And that's just fucking rude.
P.S. Memo to Pat Robertson: Take your vitamins, old man.
CHEERS to the new Commander Guy on the block. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word "czar?" Of course...America! So please join me in rolling out the red, white and blue bunting as we welcome our first-ever "War Czar." He's Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute, the Director of Operations at the Pentagram. To help him get a proper feel for what the job will be like, President Bush, President Cheney and Defense Secretary Gates will tie him to a tree and use him for paintball practice.
JEERS to the cost of bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea. And "thuh experts" say there won’t be any relief for a long time:
Retail prices will go even higher heading into the summer vacation season because not all of the recent rise in wholesale fuel costs has been reflected in what consumers pay at the pump, said EIA head Guy Caruso.
"There is still some wholesale price run-up that has not been passed through," Caruso told reporters at a Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee hearing on summer gasoline prices. He declined to speculate how much higher fuel costs will go.
The CEO of Exxon-Mobil was so alarmed by the news that he nearly missed a putt.
JEERS to learnin' your GayBC's. The grandparents of a 12 year-old student sued the Chicago Board of Education after a substitute teacher showed Brokeback Mountain in class. The reason: exposing children to Randy Quaid at such an early age can traumatize 'em for life.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer man.
John at Americablog, having noticed the rosy-red predictions of future economic growth by Team Bush, asks: "Are there any plans to introduce reality on any subject to the administration in the near future or will they just keep pumping out nonsense like this to run out the clock?"
Clock.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to Maine drivers. AutoVantage released its annual list of the most road-rage-prone cities. Miami tops the list, followed by New York, Boston and L.A. Meanwhile, up here we treat our fellow drivers with respect, as evidenced by this actual recording:
Motorist 1: Hey Hiram, cuttin' it a bit close to my bumpuh theyah...
Motorist 2: Sorry, Mason. Would you like some chocolate chip cookies? Mah'tha baked 'em fresh this mahnin'.
Motorist 1: I'd be delighted. Toss me one. Mmmm...them's wicked good.
Motorist 2: Well it's the last thing you'll evuh taste, asshole, 'cause I'm gonna blow yer head off.
Rhetorically, folks, ha ha, rhetorically. (Memo to self: get Honda uparmored.)
UH OH to Doddering Old Man Syndrome (or DODDERINGOLDMANSYNDROME for short). Last night I looked down and noticed the toenails on my right foot were, like, an inch long. So I cut 'em. Then I looked down at my left foot and saw that the toenails there were already neatly trimmed. Then I looked up and I was in Bismark, North Dakota. Can somebody please come pick me up?
CHEERS to the shortest lawsuit in the history of the world. An anti-Semite is suing Media Matters for calling him an anti-Semite. Case dismissed.
CHEERS to match games. eHarmony.com loves to pair you up with just the right person but, apparently, only if you're straight. That prompted Chemistry.com to produce some ads that flick rhetorical boogers at their non-inclusive rival. Their tag line: "Come as you are." I usually don’t leave the house in my Wonder Woman suit but...whatever.
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 16, 2006...
JEERS to Newt Gingrich. On Meet the Press and a local New Hampshire PBS talk show, he revealed his latest verbal jousting maneuver: paint the Democrats as the party of "San Francisco and Vermont." That's about as smooth as telling your cancer-stricken wife you're leavin' her for another woman. Ain't he just a big ball `o cuddly?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to quiet evenings at home. In Dearborn, Michigan, a cop who admitted taking marijuana from suspects and using it to make hash brownies for he and the missus has quit the force. Today's must-watch is Exhibit A in his downfall: the stoned cop calls 911 and hilarity ensues...really really really really slow. Oh, and just in case he's reading this: Wings won.
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Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Please avoid the idea that Cheers and Jeers is like Oz."
---Tony Snow
5/8/07
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