You may have already read this article from the Titonka Telegraph & Leger. If not, here it is in full. Copyright be damned!
Iowa Moves Primary to Later This Evening
Iowa has unexpectedly moved its presidential primary to tonight, starting at 6:30pm Central Time, setting state poll workers and candidates scrambling.
Iowa Governor Chet Culver signed the bill in the capitol at 11:51 am, just 37 seconds after it passed the Senate by acclamation, which had only received the bill 85 seconds after it was first introduced in the House.
A Senate aide explained, "we really needed to hustle on this one, otherwise who knows what those New Hampshire guys would have done?"
The move is seen by many as a preemptive strike against the New Hampshire legislature which has been considering a bill to officially move its primary to "the day before anyone else's." Iowa's expedited primary neutralizes the threat from the pending New Hampshire legislation.
A South Carolina proposal to allow the governor to call a "flash primary" at "any moment of the day or night" is also effectively blocked. That bill was passed by the South Carolina House around 11:30 am, but the Senate did not consider the bill before breaking for a long lunch.
Candidates have mostly been caught off-guard.
Senators Clinton and Obama, upon hearing the news simultaneously in the Senate chamber, ran kicking and shoving each other on their way out of the U.S. Capitol. Both were trailing Senator McCain though, who pulled the fire alarm as he exited the building in an effort to delay his opponents.
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani raced partially dressed from his hotel room in Florida while still shaving, his mouth covered in toothpaste, yelling "fuck, fuck, fuck!" Half an hour later, aides informed him of the advanced primary schedule and drove him promptly to the airport.
Candidate Tommy Thompson had the advantage of hearing the news first hand. He happened to be addressing the Iowa General Assembly when his speech was briefly interrupted to pass the legislation. Thompson quickly organized a rally for next Monday afternoon.
Poll workers received no advanced warning of the legislation and have resorted to unconventional practices to comply with the law. Voting machine are being distributed by parachute to larger cities, while in small towns like Badger, volunteer precinct workers have been tearing legal pads and scrap paper into makeshift ballots. Police have been called in to roust children from middle school gyms and other polling places.
Because some candidates have not yet filed to run in Iowa, precincts have been instructed to add the names of any person wishing to run for President that shows up with a valid driver's license before 6:15 pm. Additional names will be written on the ballot as they are handed out.
Polls will close thirty minutes later to minimize the risk of another state holding a primary while polling is still taking place in Iowa. Official results are expected by 8:30 pm Central Time.