New and Insidious Terrorist Threat gets Bush's Attention
(The Washington Post) June 28, 2007
Responding to an AP report that over 77 million Americans have been hiding their Middle Eastern heritage, Presdent Bush released a statement reaffirming his dedication to fighting terrorism wherever it may be.
"Today's discovery is very troubling. It suggests that illegal immigration is not the only way terrorists are finding their way into our country. The department of Homeland Security is investigating the matter and we will find which of these Americans are terrorists and any who harbor or support them will be found and punished to the fullest extent of the law."
When questioned about the matter at a press conference late Thursday, Bush had more to say on the subject.
"Am I troubled by this discovery? You bet I am. That's not to say that every one of these Americans are terrorists, but I think it is reasonable to ask why they have been hiding their personal history and where their loyalties lie."
However, not all experts agree that this revelation poses a national security threat. Stephen J. O'Brien a co-author of the study that revealed the hidden history of so many Americans, was shocked that President Bush was taking this so seriously. He rejects the idea that these Americans pose a threat.
"These Americans may have Middle Eastern ancestors, but the vast majority are so far removed from the region that they no longer share most characteristics and there is absolutely no evidence that they are aware of this link. To suggest that any of them are terrorists is simply ridiculous."
Showing that the White House is indeed taking the AP report seriously, administration officials released two recently declassified photos that they say proves that the threat is real.
Upon learning of this new threat, Vice President Dick Cheney immediately left Washington for an undsiclosed location. His office did release a statement however.
"Vice President Cheney is very troubled by this discovery. This is not something to be taken lightly. Just because they look innocent is no reason to trust these "cats." We will hunt down these terrorists and all who harbor or support them. Anyone who would have us go easy on these deceitful beasts is enabling and helping the terrorists."
The statement went on to note the link between Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and the feline threat.
"The American people have a right to know if a presidential candidate harbored a terrorist for years and even allowed one into the White House."
Update [2007-6-28 21:22:6 by ArgusRun]: Vice President Cheney in a phone interview froma reinforced bunker had this to say.
"These Fatah felines are a threat to our nation. We have evidence that the majority of them are addicted to a narcotic herb. In addition a docmentary has just been brought to my attention that tracks their plans for world domination. This courageous film, Cats & Dogs, show the American house cat for what it is. A maniacal, effeminate terrorist."