Said David Cullkeller, senior US counter-intelligence advisor: "We haven't turned the tide. We haven't turned the corner. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have done is take a failing enterprise and put it on a sound, long-term footing." Can you believe these guys actually get paid to come up with bullshit like this?
Newly released documents disclose that the CIA bugged Dan Rowan's telephone at the request of mobster Sam Giancana who suspected Dan was fooling around with his girlfriend. Instead, they caught Dan psychologically abusing Goldie Hawn.
Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a "three heart defibrilations" rule in effect.
Hang around. These things improve on t'other side!
CT scans have confirmed archeologists' suspicions that a mummy found in Egypt is the female pharaoh, Hatshepsut. Correcting earlier reports that it was Cher.
The Vatican has issued "Guidelines for the sanctification of auto travel." Which include these caveats:
- Never refer to your "used car." The proper designation is "born again car."
- The only "safe" carpooling is abstinence.
- Limit your obscene hand gestures to Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Buddists and atheists.
- Vatican-approved bumper stickers:
a) Support Intelligent Interior Design
b) Darwin----My Ass!
c) Make War, Not Sister Immaculata
d) Ask Me About Transubstantiation
e) I'd Rather Be Infallible Than President
f) I Brake For Pedophile Priests
Pope Benedict XVI has changed the rule on papal election balloting, reinstating the 2/3 majority requirement. The rules on campaign financing remain unchanged.
Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce.
The remains of a giant penguin that lived 40 million years ago were found in Peru. Archelogists became curious after a farmer unearthed several huge tuxedoes.
Anthropologists in Leipzig, Germany are using DNA samples to construct a new model of Neanderthal man. To replace the statue of George W. Bush they've been using.
Producers of "The Price is Right" have passed on Rosie O'Donnell to replace Bob Barker. Seems Rosie's price wasn't right.
The Spanish Olympic Committee has appealed for suggestions to add lyrics to their national anthem. "La Cucaracha" sounds so hokey on the medal winners platform.
Israel has launched its first professional baseball league. Overheard at Yashiva Stadium:
- "Some son. He never calls. He never writes. He never bunts."
- "You've lost your stuff, Sol. Get off the mount."
- "I can't change the roster, ump. It's on a stone tablet."
- "Time for a little pepper. Get the matzo balls."
- "Anyone stealing a base is entitled to guilt counceling."
- "It's going... going... it's a home run over the wailing wall!"
Excerpted from "Bereft on the Left"
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com