a.k.a. Know Thyself, Love Thyself, Love Someone Else
During the last "progress report", several people voiced a desire for a diary or two about relationships. I'm certainly not Dear Abby but I've seen more relationships fail than I can count (and a few succeed).... My family is huge, thanks to my father's 4 marriages, plus my own in-laws and friends. So I figured I could put all that knowledge of others to good use and offer you what I know about how to make sure you're ready for a long-term, happy, healthy relationship.
The first mistake that I see most people make is to assume that a relationship is something that just happens when the time is right. But a relationship is like the weather: if you know what to look for and how to prepare, you can usually guess fairly accurately when it will happen and what precisely will happen. On top of that, we have a lot more control over our relationships than we have over the weather. Rather than just waiting for that right moment, you can proactively work toward making it actually happen.
So here are my Five Ways to Prepare Yourself for a Healthy, Happy Relationship (the infomercial will be on at 1 am):
#1 Self-honesty
The first thing you need to do is assess who you are as a person. You should, ideally, know most of your own faults as well as most of your strengths. Being intimate with someone else will inevitably expose you to your own reflection so if you are aware of it beforehand, you're much less likely to be frightened and much more likely to have some idea of how to deal with it.
In my experience, the best way to figure this out is to find out from the people who know you best. If asking them straight out will make them squirm and hesitate (as it will, in my experience), starting with a perception you have had about someone else and then working back toward yourself by talking about the traits you've perceived rather than the person will often work ("Do you think I'm like that?")
Once you know what your faults are, you can also work toward "fixing" or at least softening them in some way.
#2 Fix Yourself First
If you have ever been abused in any way by someone who wasn't a complete stranger, you should get some sort of psychological help before you try to get intimately involved with someone. I don't care how much you think you're over it, it will most likely continue to play a part in your relationships with others. I went through counseling for most of my childhood and while it definitely helped me live a healthier life, it did not stop the wounds from occasionally breaking open again; without counseling, I don't think I would have even recognized when things were not right and needed to be corrected.
But even if you haven't been seriously abused, you might still have issues that could get in the way of a healthy, happy relationship. One thing that I always found helpful was to carefully comb over a relationship just after it had ended, examining the bad moments not only for what I didn't like and wanted to avoid in the future in the other person's behavior, but also trying to figure out what parts of my own behavior were immature, unnecessary, and/or just not in line with who I wanted to be as a person. Oftentimes, looking back over a string of relationships will reveal a pattern in your own behavior that you might not have realized before; I can't even count how many personal epiphanies I've had while wondering why I couldn't seem to keep a relationship. While you shouldn't second guess yourself so much that you cripple yourself, you can learn a lot by looking at what causes your relationships to fail, whether it is from simple incompatibility, outright self-sabotage, or something else. This retrospection will hopefully save you from making the same mistakes yet again.
If you've had too few relationships to even have a pattern, your friendships can often show you a few areas that you can work on.
#3 High Standards
When I was a teenager, I didn't think anyone would ever want me as a girlfriend, so I was simply thrilled when anyone showed interest. I dated a string of losers as a result, and one of those guys even nearly hit me after I had broken up with him. Luckily, I began to figure out that a guy showing interest was just not enough, and that it was my own lack of self-value that attracted these losers in the first place. I still ended up dating some losers along the way, but as I got pickier, the quality of the guys who were interested in me increased as well. Almost 5 years ago, I had basically decided that no one would ever be good enough so I might as well just learn to be happy alone (more on this in a minute)...and then I met the guy who is now my husband, who I still think is as perfect as they come.
In other words, people will only treat you as well as you demand to be treated. Don't let the approval of others or a fear of rejection make you lower your own standards; you deserve to be treated well! "The more bullshit you put up with, the more bullshit you are going to get," as plf515 says in the comments.
I've heard that there is such a thing as standards that are too high, but I've never actually known anyone who has had that problem, so I can't give any advice on that other than, uh, lower your standards! Duh. ;)
#4 Learn to love being alone
There is a paradox here: in order to find a truly good relationship, you have to stop looking. Being happy while unattached is the best way to eventually be happy while attached.
When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense. When you are actively searching for a relationship, you are in pure hunter mode, and no one wants to feel that much like prey. If you are really horny, get some toys. If you're bored, find something fun to do. In other words, find something to alleviate your hunger in the meantime; then you'll get to introduce the Real You first, rather than Desparate You. (You'll also be less likely to lower your standards just to get a little cuddling, companionship, love and/or sex.)
If you're just lonely, you need to get some friends. This is another great way to remove the facade. Join a group that does something you are really, truly interested in. (This is especially good for shy people (like me) because it means you automatically have something in common that you can talk about.) The fact that several Kossacks over the years have hooked up with each other is, I think, all the evidence you need.
Another way to get rid of some loneliness is to make friends with yourself! Though I focused on faults in #1, learning about your own strengths is important too; it's harder to sell a product if you don't think it's absolutely wonderful. Don't forget to develop at least some humility, subtlety, and mystery while you're at it....
#5 Matching Expectations
One last thing that you can do to ensure that you're ready for a relationship is a rather circular process, so it might help to write it down as you're thinking about it.
First, imagine your ideal partner. Focus on personality traits and more general things.... If your model boyfriend/girlfriend is, for example, a lawyer, ask yourself what you like about lawyers. Is it the money they make, the knowledge required, the calculating personality, etc.? Some of the traits that stereotypically fit lawyers also stereotypically (and realistically) fit other professions and people as well, which gives a little more flexibility and reality to this imaginary person.
Then, think about what kind of partner that kind of person would want to get involved with. Ask yourself if you would be their ideal, or someone close to it. For instance, if you're ideal partner was a lawyer or something similar, they probably wouldn't want to date, say, a gas station attendant. Wierder things have happened, of course, but it's just not a good idea to expect that to happen.
Once you've figured out how you might fit into your ideal person's life, you can begin to take steps to make it happen. Some things about yourself will stay the same, but some can be changed as well. In my experience, your ideal partner is actually very similar to yourself, so it doesn't take much to become the ideal of the kind of person you want to attract, and you don't have to sacrifice key parts of yourself either. You'll also have a better idea of where you need to look-without-looking in order to find your soul mate.
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Obviously, all of this is still no guarantee that you'll be able to find a wonderful relationship, but it's a good place to start.
Finally, if anyone has a question about other relationship issues, I'll do my best to answer it. If you want to be anonymous or would like more specific advice but don't want to reveal too many details in public, you can email me and I'll either post the answer but keep your identity a secret (just like a real advice columnist! ...only more attentive), or reply to the email. You don't have to be under 35, either; I won't be checking I.D.s and I'm happy to help anyone that I can.