A transcript of the private conversation that took place in the Giants' locker room between two of the most highly controversial figures of our time was provided to Associated Press by an unnamed source only identified as "Curveball."
Bush* - Hi Barry, this is George W. Bush. Congratulations on achieving the impossible.
Bonds* - Thank you, Mr. President.
Bush* - I knew it'd be a cakewalk for you, Barry. You broke this record with the same ease with which our brave young men and women liberated millions in Iraq.
Bonds* - Well, yes... I did it with the same efficiency as US forces in Iraq in early 2003. The statue of "Hammerin' Hank" outside Turner Field was brought down in Atlanta, Georgia by my supporters upon hearing the good news. Freedom is on the march tonight.
Bush* - You are a great American, Barry! Let me tell you, don't you pay any attention to the naysayers. Gary Trudeau of 'Doonesbury' (an old 'pal' from Yale) placed an asterisk after my name in 2001 following my landslide 'election' but, hey, almost seven years later, I'm still "The Decider."
Bonds* - I do remember Major League Baseball putting an asterisk against Roger Maris' record of 61 home runs when he broke Babe Ruth's single season home run record in 1961.
Bush* - ... and you do recall, the Baseball Gods removed the asterisk and recognized Maris as the record holder many years later, right?
Bonds* - So, there's hope for me?
Bush* - Absolutely! The naysayers tell me I'm the Worst. President. Ever! That Laura and Barney are the only two who believe in me anymore. But I believe very much in the 'Surge Strategy.'
Bonds* - Indeed! I was headed towards 600-650 career home runs but I decided that I needed a surge in the late 1990's and... here I am!
Bush* - Surge, baby, surge! When things look bleak, when all your friends turn against you, when your enemies look like they'll win, and when the entire world's against you... the surge is what will work every time. As they say, there's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me...
Bonds* - ... you can't get fooled again?
Bush* - Precisely!!!
Bonds* - Do you have any advice for me, Mr. President?
Bush* - Yes, always believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As my hero, Winston Churchill, once said, "Americans can always be counted to do the right thing - after they've exhausted all other possibilities." History will vindicate you.
Bonds* - But, I thought your hero was Harry Truman.
Bush* - He is. You know, the way I conduct myself, the buck always stops here. Which, in Texas slang, means, never apologize, never repent, and always press forward no matter what facts are staring you in the face.
Bonds* - One final request, if I may, Mr. President?
Bush* - Anything for a great American hero, Barry.
Bonds* - um... I hear that Bud Selig will retire as Major League Baseball Commissioner in 2009 and that you will be appointed as the next Baseball Commissioner. If MLB puts an asterisk against my record, will you pardon me and remove that asterisk?
Bush* - Normally, I don't believe in pardons, but coming from you, I will give full consideration to your request, Barry. It is how our system of meritocracy works in this great country.
Bonds* - Thank you, Mr. President.
Bush* - My pleasure, Barry. Onwards with the surge and now it's on to 800 home runs.