Dear Bill O'Reilly,
It has come to my attention that you are now monitoring DailyKos comments and diaries, so please allow me and my fellow kossacks to give you a great big fat invitation to place your Falafel scarfing, Murdoch rimming, propaganda spewing lips firmly upon our buttocks and give em' a sloppy one. It's blatantly obvious to the most obtuse dullard that you don't have the intellectual capacity to make toast, much less back up any of the ridiculous vitriol you peddle. You lie so often and with so little remorse you almost seem like a not-so-cute-or-effective turdblossom mini-me. You constantly puff yourself up to the point it looks like your face might crack, which honestly seems like it might be helpful to the overall package.
(More formulations of full frontal facial flames for the Falafel fornicator follows the fold...)
You draw the garbage out of the air around you so fast that vacuum cleaner companies are considering litigation - if only they can figure out how you generate that much suction using hot air. Hopefully they will soon figure out that the secret is in the blow off valve you call a mouth, and the falafel powered hot air generator in your gut. You know Bill? Most people just call that gas and take some pink stuff. As you are puffing yourself up about your ratings, I sincerely hope you are aware that people will tune in to see someone hoist themselves on their own petard worse than anyone before in history has done it.
People are always saying you are so closed minded, so let me help you out dispelling that - you have a mind so open that ideas simply pass right through. It's good that you are kept on such a short leash by Fox - don't let your mind wander, it's far too little to be let out of it's yard.
(The historical section follows - bonus points if you can name original sources. Oh wait - I'm sorry Bill, I forgot you don't source things or have history before Reagan.)
"You are a cold-blooded, calculating, unprincipled usurper, without a virtue; no statesman, knowing nothing of commerce, political economy, or civil government, and supplying ignorance by bold presumption."
"Have you ever met a belt you didn't want to hit below?"
"You are a self-made man, in the depths of the worship of his creator."
"You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you pick yourself and walk on as if nothing had happened."
"He spent his whole life in plastering together the true and the false and therefrom manufacturing the plausible."
"He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash."
"A cliche-ridden humbug and pie-fingering hack."
(End Historical Section)
(Begin Personal Insult Section, based on appearance)
The end of your nose looks like your butt, complete with two distinct cheeks and a crack, that much to your dismay I'm sure, seems to go slightly to the left.
(End Appearance Insult section - it's too Bush of me.)
Now... Who can help add to this (far from exhaustive) list of the many fine qualities of Bill O? I just want him to have a handy place to pick up the best of the best in DailyKos, and I know you can provide.