This is a real transcript, which Gonzo made the poor DOJ peeps listen to over the in-house J TV. For the Comically Impaired, jump to the bottom for the full memo.
Normal Text- What Gonzales really said.
Italics - What I think he meant to say, but could not recall.
ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO R. GONZALES
MESSAGE TO DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE EMPLOYEES
JULY 20, 2007
Good afternoon; thank you for joining me today.
(Nothing like a captive audience to try my spin out on!)
For many of you, what you know about me is shaped largely by what you read in the newspaper. I wish it weren’t this way.
(I wished instead you could build a strong dislike for me by meeting me in person.)
I wish you could instead know me as well as my family and those in my office know me.
(As lackeys)
If you asked them they’d tell you that I’m a quiet man.
(Mostly because I can't even recall what I had for breakfast much less your name.)
They would tell you how much I admire all of you: the dedicated public servants that serve this great department.
(Whose numbers are so deep countless people can take the fall before I do.)
And they might also tell you that no one is more troubled than I am over what this Department has gone through in the past six months.
(Especially how we got caught, which Rove told me would never happen.)
I am troubled because the allegations regarding the politicization of this historic institution - an institution that stands for and protects the rights of the citizens of the greatest, most free nation on earth - have occurred on my watch.
(And I watched happen, who am I kidding, I made happen!)
I have told Congress; I have told the United States Attorney community and other leaders of this Department; and I am here today to tell you: I am sorry and I accept full responsibility.
(I accept responsibility, but not accountability, those are two entirely different thing.)
Simply put, I believe very strongly that there is no place for political considerations in the hiring of our career employees or in the administration of justice.
(Unless it is to preserve a permanent Republican majority.)
From my perspective, there are two options available in light of these allegations. I could walk away - as some have demanded - or I could devote my time, effort and energy to fix the problems.
(If I walked away, who will go on kicking this dead horse? You? I didn't think so.)
Since I have never been one to quit, I decided that the best course of action was to remain here and fix the problems. That is exactly what I am doing.
(And by fixing I mean running out the clock on this administration's time.)
And I want to take a few minutes today to update you on those efforts.
(Which I will not recollect later, so please do not ask me to expand upon these.)
Upon learning of these troubling allegations of improper politicization, we promptly made referrals to the Office of Professional Responsibility and the Office of the Inspector General.
(who were luckily political lackey appointees of my own, funny how that worked out.)
This was the right course of action for the Department and I have complete faith and confidence that their investigations will be thorough, comprehensive, and, ultimately, helpful in rooting out and addressing any wrongdoing that may have occurred.
(Some might confuse this with shadow-boxing. I do not want to tell you how many hours I had to question myself, only to hear myself say I do not recall.)
I want all of you to know, however, that I am not waiting for the completion or the results of these investigations to fix these problems.
(I heard throwing gas on fires puts them out, so Rove and I are gonna back up a tanker to this bonfire and see where our vanity takes us.)
For example, as you know, I have made a number of critical changes in personnel at the top of the Department.
(Who resigned, so might say take the fall, for me. I, of course, would have never fired them had the Democrats not got power of oversight last fall which threw a huge monkey wrench into the system.)
The strength of any institution, including one as great as the Department of Justice, lies in its people.
(Or, lies to its people, the people, by the people.)
With that principle in mind, I have appointed individuals to serve in critical leadership positions who understand and embrace the independence of our law enforcement mission and who will ensure that our work and our hiring will never be influenced by improper political considerations.
(But as always, our enforcement mission of keeping Republicans in power still trumps the Constitution, this has not changed.)
First, I recently asked Craig Morford to serve as the Acting Deputy Attorney General. Craig is a career prosecutor with exemplary character and integrity. He has 20 years of experience as a Justice Department prosecutor, serving on the Department’s Organized Crime Task Force in the 1980s, as an AUSA for over a decade and, most recently, as an interim United States Attorney in both the Middle District of Tennessee and the Eastern District of Michigan.
(Craig is also a veteran of subornation of perjury, obstruction of justice by concealing and deporting material witnesses and criminal misconduct. In other words, he will fit in just fine.)
Craig is the right person for this critical position at this time and I am looking forward to working with him to carry out the work of the Department.
(Especially his experience in obstructing justice.)
To do so, Craig and I agree that the Department must continue to recruit the best and brightest lawyers.
(Who can't remember their names unless it is written on their underwear, but Regent's Class of 2007 cames with undies pre-labeled.)
Therefore, I am in the process of providing the Deputy Attorney General with the authority to detail and hire attorneys that he believes will best fill positions within his division.
(Again, Regent's summer intern program will work wonders here for us.)
Second, I appointed an experienced U.S. Attorney to serve as my chief of staff.
(Until he needs to take the fall for me.)
He, in turn, has brought in, and continues to recruit, experienced career prosecutors to work in my office and advise me on legal and personnel matters.
(Like what tie looks best when lying before Congress.)
Third, I appointed as Director of the Executive Office of U.S. Attorneys a highly respected career prosecutor who has spent nearly 25 years working in a U.S. Attorney’s Office, most of that time serving as the First Assistant.
(I am not supplying their name in fear that some jackass writer will Lexus-Nexus him and make me appear to look stupid.)
I will continue to ensure that my staff and those in other senior positions within the Department have the appropriate experience and judgment so that previous mistakes will not be repeated.
(Until they are repeated, but what will be repeated? Sorry, I cannot recall that. Let me repeatedly repeat I cannot recall what I just repeated.)
I’d like to also tell you about some of the policy changes that are being made.
(But then I would have to kill you.)
My hope, today, is to reassure all of you that my efforts to reach out, to listen, and to implement change have already begun. They have been going on for months, and they will continue.
(Until January 14, 2009, when I will board a plan with Presidente Bush for South America where I will remember I do not speak any Spanish.)
I know you will remain focused on fulfilling your mission of defending our country from terrorists and protecting our communities from violent criminals, gangs and predators.
(But for the love of Cheney, do not pursue defending the Constitution by this wayward administration.)
I am here to let you know that reinforcing public confidence in this mission and in our Department will be one of my top priorities as Attorney General for the remainder of my term.
(You see this clock I am wearing, it is counting down to that plan trip, and it is my mission we reach the gate before Congress grows some stones.)
I will also be working on my relationship with all of you.
(Especially those who still do my bidding in fear of career-ending retribution.)
You should expect to continue to see me in the hallways, in the conference rooms of U.S. Attorneys offices, in the AAG’s office suites and in the buildings of our law enforcement agencies.
(I will be the one with the bad haircut lying my ass off.)
I want this Department to know me better as a person, and I will engage you all in advising me on what’s best for the delivery of justice.
(Apart from upholding the Constitution.)
Today, I am making a personal commitment to all Justice employees.
(You have officially been warned.)
You know me primarily as a public figure, an appointee of the President, a photo in the newspaper.
(As the jackass who single-handedly brought down the rule of law and tainted your profession for generations.)
But I am also a public servant who is committed to the cause of justice.
(As Bush views justice, that is. I do not recall who these Founding Fathers you speak are.)
That is why I have taken affirmative steps to address each of the areas of concern. It is why I have put in place an experienced team.
(of boot-licking toadies who can spin a mountain on pin.)
And I am asking for your help and input to further enhance the public confidence in this tremendous institution.
(And for those of you thinking, well, that would require leaking documents of meetings entailing wrong doing for which I was present but do not recall. To those people I offer you this, a one-way ticket to Cuba.)
I look forward to working with you as we continue to pursue the goals and priorities of this Department.
(Which oddly match up perfectly with the goals and priorities of the Office of the President.)
Thank you for your service. May God continue to bless you, your families and your work on behalf of the cause of justice.
(I was never here.)
For the Comically Impaired, here is the full dry-as-your-grandmas-turkey memo, enjoyz:
ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO R. GONZALES
MESSAGE TO DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE EMPLOYEES
JULY 20, 2007
Good afternoon; thank you for joining me today.
For many of you, what you know about me is shaped largely by what you read in the newspaper. I wish it weren’t this way.
I wish you could instead know me as well as my family and those in my office know me.
If you asked them they’d tell you that I’m a quiet man. They would tell you how much I admire all of you: the dedicated public servants that serve this great department. And they might also tell you that no one is more troubled than I am over what this Department has gone through in the past six months.
I am troubled because the allegations regarding the politicization of this historic institution - an institution that stands for and protects the rights of the citizens of the greatest, most free nation on earth - have occurred on my watch.
I have told Congress; I have told the United States Attorney community and other leaders of this Department; and I am here today to tell you: I am sorry and I accept full responsibility.
Simply put, I believe very strongly that there is no place for political considerations in the hiring of our career employees or in the administration of justice.
From my perspective, there are two options available in light of these allegations. I could walk away - as some have demanded - or I could devote my time, effort and energy to fix the problems. Since I have never been one to quit, I decided that the best course of action was to remain here and fix the problems. That is exactly what I am doing.
And I want to take a few minutes today to update you on those efforts.
Upon learning of these troubling allegations of improper politicization, we promptly made referrals to the Office of Professional Responsibility and the Office of the Inspector General. This was the right course of action for the Department and I have complete faith and confidence that their investigations will be thorough, comprehensive, and, ultimately, helpful in rooting out and addressing any wrongdoing that may have occurred.
I want all of you to know, however, that I am not waiting for the completion or the results of these investigations to fix these problems.
For example, as you know, I have made a number of critical changes in personnel at the top of the Department.
The strength of any institution, including one as great as the Department of Justice, lies in its people. With that principle in mind, I have appointed individuals to serve in critical leadership positions who understand and embrace the independence of our law enforcement mission and who will ensure that our work and our hiring will never be influenced by improper political considerations.
First, I recently asked Craig Morford to serve as the Acting Deputy Attorney General. Craig is a career prosecutor with exemplary character and integrity. He has 20 years of experience as a Justice Department prosecutor, serving on the Department’s Organized Crime Task Force in the 1980s, as an AUSA for over a decade and, most recently, as an interim United States Attorney in both the Middle District of Tennessee and the Eastern District of Michigan.
Craig is the right person for this critical position at this time and I am looking forward to working with him to carry out the work of the Department.
To do so, Craig and I agree that the Department must continue to recruit the best and brightest lawyers. Therefore, I am in the process of providing the Deputy Attorney General with the authority to detail and hire attorneys that he believes will best fill positions within his division.
Second, I appointed an experienced U.S. Attorney to serve as my chief of staff. He, in turn, has brought in, and continues to recruit, experienced career prosecutors to work in my office and advise me on legal and personnel matters.
Third, I appointed as Director of the Executive Office of U.S. Attorneys a highly respected career prosecutor who has spent nearly 25 years working in a U.S. Attorney’s Office, most of that time serving as the First Assistant.
I will continue to ensure that my staff and those in other senior positions within the Department have the appropriate experience and judgment so that previous mistakes will not be repeated.
I’d like to also tell you about some of the policy changes that are being made.
Without waiting for the results of the OIG and OPR investigations, I have asked my staff to examine and, if necessary, revise any hiring procedures that may have contributed to allegations of improper politicization. For example,
* In April, we revised the process by which Immigration judges are appointed. These revisions restore the significant role of career employees within EOIR and the Office of the Chief Immigration Judge.
* We also recently changed the hiring process for the Honors Program and Summer Law Interns Program. These changes, which were made working through the Office of Attorney Recruitment and Management, also formalize the role of career employees in the hiring process.
* Additionally, I directed the Executive Office of U.S. Attorneys to reaffirm DOJ policy applicable to the vetting process for the hiring of AUSAs by interim or Acting United States Attorneys. In conjunction with this, I have instructed EOUSA to ensure that this vetting process remains within EOUSA and not with political appointees in the senior management offices.
* Within the Civil Rights Division, we recently reminded each of the attorneys within that section that basing employment and personnel decisions on impermissible factors, such as political affiliation, will not be tolerated.
Each of the actions I have taken to date were designed to safeguard the critical work of this department. Each is also intended to reinforce the public’s confidence in the work and personnel of our Department.
The last thing that I want to address today is the importance of communication.
In the wake of recent events, I have learned that there is a real need for improved communications with our U.S. Attorneys and other components. To that end, I have taken a number of steps:
* In the past few months, I have met or spoken with all of our U.S. attorneys. I have expressed my regrets over how the dismissals of their colleagues were handled, accepted responsibility for that flawed process and made a commitment to each of them that I or the Deputy Attorney General will give any US Attorney whose performance is questioned, notice of such concerns as well as the opportunity to address them before any decision is made concerning their future.
* I have conducted numerous small meetings, both with U.S. Attorneys and with other DOJ components. The purpose of these meetings is to get direct feedback about the work of the Department as well as helpful suggestions for improvement. Some of the suggestions I have received at these meetings were the basis for the actions I’ve described here today.
* I have asked the Attorney General’s Advisory Committee for specific advice to further improve communications ... and I remain interested in additional suggestions that any of you may have to improve our internal communication and the way the Department functions overall.
My hope, today, is to reassure all of you that my efforts to reach out, to listen, and to implement change have already begun. They have been going on for months, and they will continue.
I know you will remain focused on fulfilling your mission of defending our country from terrorists and protecting our communities from violent criminals, gangs and predators.
I am here to let you know that reinforcing public confidence in this mission and in our Department will be one of my top priorities as Attorney General for the remainder of my term.
I will also be working on my relationship with all of you. You should expect to continue to see me in the hallways, in the conference rooms of U.S. Attorneys offices, in the AAG’s office suites and in the buildings of our law enforcement agencies. I want this Department to know me better as a person, and I will engage you all in advising me on what’s best for the delivery of justice.
Today, I am making a personal commitment to all Justice employees.
You know me primarily as a public figure, an appointee of the President, a photo in the newspaper.
But I am also a public servant who is committed to the cause of justice.
That is why I have taken affirmative steps to address each of the areas of concern. It is why I have put in place an experienced team. And I am asking for your help and input to further enhance the public confidence in this tremendous institution.
I look forward to working with you as we continue to pursue the goals and priorities of this Department.
Thank you for your service. May God continue to bless you, your families and your work on behalf of the cause of justice.