The Army has announced that it will pay new signups a $20,000 bonus if they agree to report for duty within 30 days. Even more tempting to employment-desperate youths is a guarantee of $10,000 per shrapnel wound, $50,000 per blown off limb and a whopping $100,000 for the ultimate sacrifice (coffin flag not included). Also from the Pentagon, new evidence shows that NFL hero turned Army patriot Pat Tillman may have been murdered by fellow soldiers jealous of his notoriety. Investigators can explain the three bullet holes found in his back----it's the knife they're having problems with.
Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison said he erred in a speech by comparing 9/11 to the Reichtag fire in Nazi Germany. No comparison. Hitler ordered the latter and Bush hasn't got the brains to have masterminded the former.
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Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his vacation home in Penobscot, Maine. A spokesman for the Supreme Court quickly assured the public that he's as healthy as Rehnquist was when we were told he was perfectly fit.
Prince William told an interviewer on NBC "I love America. I think it's brilliant. Everyone's very good at not being too invasive." Bush, it appears, has escaped his notice.
NASA officials disclose that astronauts on a Soyez mission to the International Space station flew while drunk. "One small step for man----one giant leap for Smirnoff."
Lindsay Lohan's new movie "I Know Who Killed Me" tanked in its opening weekend, earning a paltry $3.4 million. In an attempt to goose the box office, producers have renamed it "I Know Who Stashed That Cocaine in Your Car."
Laurie David is divorcing "Seinfeld" creator, Larry David. Friends confide that she finally realized that their marriage was "about nothing."
NASA has hired a team of MIT engineers to come up with a new skin-tight space suit that will give astronauts greater mobility. Drunk or sober.
Posh Spice Beckham told reporters in Los Angeles "High heels are good because they really lengthen you out." Hey, a guy who makes millions hitting a soccer ball with his head doesn't need a wife with anything in hers.
Woman in San Francisco went topless during a visit by Hillary Clinton to protest her support for the Iraq war. Turned out they were there to open the new Nob Hill Hooters.
Alanta quarterback Michael Vick has been told by the NFL not to report to training camp. He will, however, be allowed to hire himself out to college teams to strangle the opposing team's mascot.
Bush met with King Abdullah II of Jordan and was overheard telling him "Your son sure could play basketball!"
Airport luggage screeners report finding blocks of cheese wrapped in wire that they suspect may be terrorists making "dry runs." They found a suspicious brick in Kirstie Alley's luggage, but it turned out to be nothing more dangerous than a Kraft Nut Roll with Crushed Almonds & Cashews.
A computer analyst in Milan has discovered "hidden images" in Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in which an unidentified figure appears to be holding a baby. Theologians theorize that it could be Mary Magdalene begging Jesus to save enough drachma to buy their son, "Chip," a new Easter outfit.
Starbucks has raised its prices across the board by nine cents. But in defense of the caffeinated conglomerate, they are granting customers longer grace periods to pay off their loans.
Drew Carey has been chosen to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right." He beat out a raft of others including Rosie O'Donnell because he was the only one willing to neuter himself.
Homeland Security will now allow mothers to take breast milk on airplanes. Under previous guidelines, it was allowed on board only if still in the original container.
A five-acre Roman bath house believed to date to the second century has been unearthed near the Italian capital. A sign over the door indicates that it was restricted----to "Romans, Countrymen and Friends."
A New Jersey nurse has been sentenced to life in prison for killing and dismembering her husband and stuffing his body parts into a set of matched luggage that washed ashore in Chesapeake Bay. If she had just thought to check them at Delta, she's be a free woman today.
Excerpted from www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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