It's historic. It's tectonic. We're watching the unraveling of an enormous political machine, one that has gone from juggernaut to joke in the space of a few months. How did all this happen? How do you take "G.O.P." from "Grand Ole Party" to "Giving Oral Pleasure" in less than a year?
The string dangling from the Republicans' sweater turned out to be their old "Family Values" shtick. Now, you may have thought that "Family Values" was a distraction or a challenge, something like suppressing fire to keep the Democrats on the defensive. But you'd be missing the point.
I can now tell you exactly what the Republicans' phony "Family Values" rhetoric was all along:
Foreplay.
Hypocrisy isn't the outcome, hypocrisy was the whole point! Hypocrisy is like the A-1 Steak Sauce of "traditional values": it makes any old shit taste like heaven. Voting against equal rights for gays, for instance, feels empty until the Republican runs off to have hot gay sex at the bus train station. Only then he is truly complete.
Like two lovers, "Family Values" and really weird sex are lost and bereft until they can find each other in the mind of a Republican. One would think that it wouldn't take so long, the quarters being rather cramped. But calling down God's wrath on the Gulf Coast isn't just a way to pass the time before you put on a diaper and get the crap beat out of you by a dominatrix, it's the whole point! Being a pretend prude is what makes it so much fun to be a nasty, bad, naughty boy.
Delivering searing invectives about gay marriage just plain lacks a certain frisson for your average Republican senator, unless he can do it while burping the mushroom scent of some anonymous guy's furtive spurt (that only cost him $20!). Being really and truly retrograde about sexual freedoms just isn't any fun unless you make it into a sick joke.
Hence Republicans.
I should point out that I'm not talking about gay Republicans, specifically. Sen. Craig is right: he is not gay. I know gay. Two gay Canadian monkeys teach my daughter about singing every morning. No, instead I think that social conservatism deserves its own classification as a kind of fetish, somewhere between dryer lint and midget amputee porn. I propose that we call this newfound fetish "Wendy," if only to keep from confusing David Vitter.
Watch and empathize as they struggle for recognition and acceptance:
While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away.
If your Electile Dysfunction doesn't "go away" after four hours, seek professional help. 'Cause if there's a sure-fire boner-kill in this universe, it's the sight of that walking Space Herpe.
At first, conservatives were flopping around on this issue like Rush Limbaugh on an pubescent Dominican. Since then, they've adopted a wide stance.
But even Karl Rove knows "The Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name ... Very ... uh, Clearly." When Karl Rove said that
the people criticizing Bush are "sort of elite, effete snobs who can’t hold a candle to this guy. What they don’t like about him is that he is common sense, that he is Middle America."
you may have been thinking "well, that's pretty tough talk for The Bathroom Blowjob Party," but you're missing the point. It's not an indictment of Bush's critics, that's Karl Rove's ad in the Family Values personals!
Just think how lonely he must be these days. A cry goes out, a message in a bottle if you will, for a fellow "elite," a "snob" so "effete" that he too can actually look up to George Bush and get all fuzzy thinking about a "Middle America" he may have seen on TV back in the 70's. It doesn't matter that the smartest thing that ever came out of Karl Rove's mouth was Jeff Gannon's yogurt-cannon. Even people who can't do The Math need closeness and warmth ... right before they go back out into that cold and unfeeling world to attack everyone else's intimacy.
Sen. Craig's own personal ad has been yanked by the Romney campaign, which is probably the first time that Mitt has declined to push pornographic material. But it makes the point I want you to take away from this. When a Republican starts talking about sexual mores, it's a proposition. Things can get complicated in a hurry. Just look what happened to the guy who didn't know that Tucker Carlson already had a boyfriend.
No, your best bet is to just walk away, and he'll probably leave you alone so he can hit on someone else.
BEHOLD - I have broken the code.
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