Once upon a time...
Okay, so I've already told most of the story about how I got to be where I am...and who I am. But there is more. There is always more. It would take another lifetime to include everything.
After transitioning and surgery and all that, some of which has been told and some of which is coming soon, I failed in an attempt to move to Seattle during the last half of 1995. When I returned to Arkansas, I decided that if I couldn't choose where I lived, it was time to change the place that I lived. I got involved with PFLAG first since my daughter is a lesbian. Protecting the children should come first.
Later I became a member of the board of the Arkansas Gay and Lesbian Task Force. But first and foremost I considered myself as a PFLAG mom. Hell hath no fury life a PFLAG mom.
I joined what at the time was the tgs-pflag email list, a list whose purpose was to provide support for the parents, family, and friends of transpeople. I met some wonderful folks. I was and am honored that they selected me to be one of the list moderators. The list grew into something more substantial, called the Transgender Special Outreach Network. For you historians out there, here is a good place to start.
We had a mission. At the time, PFLAG was a support organization for the parents, family and friends of gays and lesbians. Our mission was to expand that. It took a lot of work. This speech, given in March, 1998, was a part of what I did in that effort.
I hope it still means something.
I do know the effort was successful.
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Why Should PFLAG be Transgender Inclusive?
Hi. My name is Robyn Serven. I'm Regional Coordinator of the Transgender Special Outreach Network for the Heartlands Region and an associate professor of mathematics at the University of Central Arkansas. I'm a transsexual woman, trangendered, gender-variant, or whatever you would like to call me. Labels are unimportant to me as long as there is dialogue taking place.
I'm a writer, not a speaker, so I'm going to read something I have struggled to write over the past few weeks...it is so very difficult having to divide who I am into compartments. Interspersed throughout the following, my friend, Alicia, will be reading excerpts from a book which is entitled ...Mom, I need to be a girl (.pdf). It is written, using the pen name Just Evelyn [Evelyn Lindenmuth--ed], by the mother of a transsexual teenager and is scheduled to be released April 15.
I need to talk to you, Mom. I have something to tell you but I'm afraid you won't love me anymore." My fifteen year old son lay down beside me on the bed in our usual family conference traditional. The children knew they had my undivided attention when I was already in bed.
I assured him that no matter what he told me, I would still love him. He hemmed and hawed and I thought he might be going to tell me that he was gay. I had suspected he was gay for years and had hoped such a conversation would take place sometime so that we could get involved in the gay community support system. But he had something entirely different on his mind.
He said, "I need to be a girl. I'm a girl inside. I like boys, but as a woman would, not the gay way. I have felt this way for years, and you know how feminine I am." After a long silence he asked, "What are we going to do?
"I honestly don't know what to do, but I'll find out," I answered. |
At the national meeting in San Francisco in September, the National Board of Directors of PFLAG will recommend that PFLAG officially become transgender inclusive. The Transgender Special Outreach Network is asking the membership of PFLAG to approve this change in the mission statement.
When we planned this workshop, I agreed to address the issue of transgender inclusion, albeit with some trepidation. I know that as a transsexual woman, any statements from me will be tinged by the perception of self-interest on my part. I have, until now, tried to keep my own counsel on the subject because of the seemingly unique situation I find myself in. I have not heard reference to any other transperson who has a lesbian or gay child. My daughter is a lesbian.
What that means to me is that I'll still be active in PFLAG even if the proposal is voted down. I can't say that the same will be true of other transgendered people or their families or friends. They would each have to make that decision for themself. I've already made mine.
I have no doubt that should I remain with the organization even though the mission statement not be changed, I will be vilified for doing so by some. It comes with the territory sometimes. I've been attacked for being a transsexual lesbian in lesbian space, both by other lesbians and by other transpeople. It's difficult having to choose sides, when your on both sides of an issue. But I cannot choose between being a lesbian and being a transsexual woman...and I cannot choose between being a transsexual woman and being a PFLAG parent.
An honest appraisal of the proposal is in order. The TSON has provided the national board with rationale for the request. Those reasons represent one point of view. But there will be opposition to the proposal from some quarters. I think you need to know the issues.
There are those who will say that transgender inclusion will be disruptive; that transgender people are pushy and always seek to be the center of attention; that transgender people will get PFLAG embroiled in what are essentially issues only of concern to transfolk; and that the stress between transfolk and some segments of the gay and lesbian communities will ultimately be divisive. Some lesbians do not accept transsexual women as Real Women™ and view transsexual men and traitors. And some gay men view heterosexual transsexual women as repressed homosexuals, who have gone over the edge, while not having a clue about transsexual lesbians. I can't speak to the question of how gay males view gay transmen.
A few months into the transition, a close friend was visiting when Danielle came exuberently through the living room. After she was gone, I asked my friend, "Isn't she just the cutest thing?"
His answer echoed in my ears for days. "In my mind's eye," he said, I still see the boy I used to know."
Again and again that phrase went through my head. I had retrained my mind's eye so that now I only saw the girl, but I understood his reaction. In the beginning, even though my real eye could see the girl, my old brain would spit out male pronouns. After that experience, I could better understand why some parents have trouble allowing their children to grow up and change. In their minds they still have the image of a beloved toddler, an innocent seven or eight year-old, or a rebellious teenager. It takes some time for the mind's eye to replace the youthful image with a new picture of an adult. |
We cannot control what other people think about us. The best we can do is be ourselves and hope that is good enough. I cannot deny that transpeople can be very high-maintenance friends. I can only hope that if or when the presence of any gender-variant person does become a distraction to the group, that the group tell that person to back off a bit...just please remember that we mean well. And I can only hope that any transperson involved understand that such action is not necessarily an indication of transphobia. It is incumbent upon transfolk to learn from the mistakes which we may make and always to bear in mind the purpose of PFLAG. We shall all have to work at making this a productive partnership.
There will be some who will say that PFLAG has enough to deal with right now, with just gay, lesbian and bisexual issues; that many PFLAG chapters wouldn't know how to cope if someone showed up with gender-variance issues; that transgender people are just too different.
But I think that misses the point of PFLAG. Any transperson who shows up at a PFLAG meeting hoping the zie will find a support group for trannies is, I believe, out of line. Above all else, PFLAG is a support group for parents, families and friends of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. We only wish that it be made clear to the parents, families, and friends of gender-variant people that PFLAG is for them as well.
For OUR parents, OUR families and OUR friends, the issues surrounding gender variance are not so much different from the issues faced by the parents, families and friends of GLB people. I'm sure that Evelyn's feelings after her child came out to her will resonate with any PFLAG parent.
He finally fell asleep beside me. Meanwhile my mind was wide awake, forming dozens of questions. What happens to these kids? Is this just a phase? Is this part of being gay? If I don't make a big deal out of it, will it just go away? Is there a name for this condition? Does this usually happen to people so young and can they change? Can they succeed in life? I wanted information and I wanted it now, in the middle of the night! |
The mission statement of Little Rock PFLAG is as follows:
Parents, Families, and Friends, of Lesbians and Gays promotes well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, their families and friends through:
- support, to cope with an adverse society;
- education, to enlighten and ill-informed public;
- advocacy, to end discrimination and secure equal rights.
PFLAG provides an opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation (and perhaps would be included here "gender identity" or "gender variation), and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity."
The first focus is on "support, to cope with an adverse society;..."
Your son swishes when he walks," said Daniel's third grade teacher. I knew she meant that his hips swayed and he walked like a girl. "Everytime the children are walking in line to and from the classroom, I tell him to quit swishing."
I knew he "swished" when he walked. I was just sorry that Daniel had to be hassled by this thoughtless teacher. I told her, "If it's not getting in the way of his learning, please ignore it. Please stop pointing it out and just leave him alone."
She seemed to have little understanding of children and we had no choice of teachers since she was the only one for that grade. So we moved to another school. |
The larger community has extreme difficulty distinguishing between sexual orientation and gender-variance. Indeed, it is often the case that abuse is directed at a person for being perceived to be lesbian or gay not because of who that person may sleep with, but because that person has violated the cultural imperatives regarding how men and women are supposed appear and behave.
The second focus is "education, to enlighten an ill-informed public;..."
Most of the transsexual information that I found pertained to adults, so I felt that I was reinventing the wheel. Parents who had dealt with the same situation could be very helpful. What had they found that worked? What mistakes did they make? What did they do about school? How can parents help? |
We don't expect that everyone in PFLAG will become experts on gender issues. We would ask rather that you search for someone who might volunteer to be Transgender Coordinator for your chapter, someone whom the TSON can provide with our reading list, with our newsletter, TGS-PFLAG TRANSPARENT, with our pamphlet, OUR TRANS CHILDREN, and with other literature. We seek people who are willing to become informed about those issues and about resources that might be available in their particular locality and to be available should that information prove valuable.
One thing that I do know that you can teach our parents, family and friends about is unconditional love. I know that PFLAG has no shortage of that kind of love.
Finally, the third focus is "advocacy, to end discrimination and secure equal rights."
On issues that are divisive between and among the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered communities, we cannot expect you to take sides.
We ask only that you remember that "none of us is free until all are free." Creating a society that is "healthy and respectful of human diversity" cannot be accomplished if there are limits on either diversity or respect.
--Robyn Elaine Serven
--March, 1998