The following is another song parody I wrote, this time about overspending on the war. Dedicated to paul2port for his unwavering support of my songwriting career.
"If He Had a Trillion Dollars"
To tune of "If I Had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies
NOTE: italized lyrics spoken
NOTE 2: The U.S. Army doesn't use Uzis, but in my song, Bush is unaware of this.
KARL ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars
GEORGE W. BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd buy you a tank
BUSH
I would buy you a tank
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
He'd buy you some weaponry for your tank
BUSH
Maybe a nice M-16 or an Uzi
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd buy you a Cobra
BUSH
A nice, reliant flying machine
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
I'd ignore the public, just like my dad
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
And I wouldn't give a shit if they got mad
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars
BARACK OBAMA
Maybe we could find a cure for AIDS in Africa sometime?
DONALD RUMSFELD
Geez, why would we do that? That's stupid.
JOHN ASHCROFT
Who cares about Africa? Let's cure AIDS here, with a war on homosexuality!
JERRY FALWELL/PAT ROBERTSON
Yeah! (they high-five)
BUSH
One thing at a time, boys. We'll save that for after the invasion.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
Liberation.
BUSH
Whatever.
ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd find you some nukes
BUSH
But not some real nukes, cuz that's bull
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd start another war
BUSH
Yup, like in I-ran or in Canada
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd buy you some Arab's remains
BUSH
Ooh, all them crazy terrorist bones
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
I wouldn't spend it on Darfur
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
I would go after Saddam, cuz he sucks more
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars
OBAMA
Let's give poor kids a decent dinner!
DICK CHENEY
Hey, that's not a bad idea. We need to strengthen up a whole new generation of American soldiers.
TED OLSON
But . . . does Obama get the credit for thinking that up?
CHENEY
(snort) Like hell he does!
(they all laugh)
ROVE
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd find some anthrax
BUSH
But not real anthrax, cuz that's bull
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd buy you some oil
BUSH
Light sweet crude, and maybe canola
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
ROVE
Well, he'd back up Mitt Romney
BUSH
Haven't you always wanted Mitt Romney?
ROVE
And if he had a trillion dollars
CABINET
We'd buy your vote!
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars
BUSH
If I had a trillion dollars
CABINET
If he had a trillion dollars . . .
ALL EXCEPT OBAMA
We would win!