I confess. I was unhappy when they said, "impeachment is off the table," but I dismissed it as a tactical dispute. At least we knew there were "no more blank checks" and Congress would starve the beast by exercising the power of the purse. When they capitulated, I was vexed.
When the AG told Congress he didn't recall any Constitutional guarantee of habeas corpus, I was stunned. I didn't realize Art. I, Sec. 9 of the Constitution was a figment of my imagination. At least that explains why no one uses it anymore.
This week really surprised me, though. I hear Congress just granted more unchecked powers to Gonzales. I can't understand how that happened. It's like no one recalls his testimony. It was awhile before I figured out the problem: we haven't been supportive enough.
Instead of calling them Vichy Democrats who cower in front of glass-jawed bullies, we should be supporting them. We've done it before. We can do it again. In 2006 we gave them a mandate. You and I know the majority of America was behind them. The problem was they didn't feel it. That's our fault. We need to show them we're behind them.
Working together, we can solve this ...
KNEE PADS FOR DEMOCRATS!!!
Think about it. Knee pads would be the perfect gift. They are something Democrats obviously need right now, but will never buy for themselves. The way things are going, they are sure to get a lot of use over the next couple of years. And every time Democrats use them, they will think of us. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
I realize the need for kneepads on Capitol Hill is not new, but sore knees are an occupational hazard for interns, not elected officials. Besides, sore knees heal quicker when you are young. When you get a bit long in the tooth... well that's when you need some support. The old joints just ain't what they used to be and there is only so much motrin and scotch you can swallow to ease the pain before your stomach revolts.
Gift giving is an art. It requires a personal touch to really make the difference between a great gift and the greatest gift ever. Everyone knows what a drag it is to get a lovely sweater that is just all wrong for you. Maybe it's the color, or the style, or the size. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but you will be damned if you will wear that monstrosity. So we need to think this one through. It is critical we have a diversity of options to reflect the diversity of our Beloved Democrats in Congress. Don't despair, help is here. Our crack research team has come up with a whole range of amazing gift suggestions:
For Nancy Pelosi: May we recommend Dancer's Knee Pads? They will complement her style as she leads the Democrats in their daily kabuki dance called "oversight." She will look stunning as she dances away from her responsibilities to the Constitution. They will also provide her with the necessary flexibility to tap dance her way through contradictory statements while appearing before the cameras and disappearing before her constituents.
For Harry Reid: This was a no-brainer. Everyone agreed. Nothing would be better for Harry than Blue Dog® Wrestler's Knee Pads! They will give him the lumbar support he needs while he wrestles with his conscience before bending over backwards to accomodate Bush and his cronies. They will also give him the power and fortitude he needs to turn his back on the growing majority of Americans who want this war ended, the constitution respected, the rule of law restored, and accountability returned to government.
For Tough on Terror Dems: May we suggest the newest addition to this ever increasing product line? Nothing says you are Supporting Our Troops better than Camouflage Knee Pads! Even if you never served in the military, you can still look like an action hero when you strap on these bad boys! Whether you are meeting with military contractors, Pentagon brass, or just taking the obligatory junket to an open air market in downtown Baghdad, these killer knee pads will never cut and run.
For New Members: We strongly suggest freshmen receive Nike® brand Knee Pads. That way guys we helped elect, like Jim Webb, will have an easy to use and constant reminder from us to "Just Do It!" when they slip into these color coordinated knee pads and prepare to swallow whatever the administration dishes out. Since they are novices, we may need to send them instructions so they can do this properly. Alternativey, they can just follow the lead of their illustrious leadership and bend over backwards to appease the least popular president in modern American history.
Deluxe Gift Basket**: We don't limit ourselves just to knee pads. This tastefully designed gift basket arrangement includes an assortment of colored choke collars, a leash, a copy of the constitution printed on a roll of toilet paper (not shown), and water-based lotions and gels to complement the more mundane and practical gift of knee pads. To guarantee your message is not misinterpreted, we include a cuddly bear with an embroidered heart that says, "I love you". (Colbert Nation members may substitute an Eagle for the Bear if desired).
We don't expect anyone other than Republican Lobbyists or Democratic Strategists to spring for this package, so gift baskets are made to order. However, out of deference to the occasional O'Reilly fan, we thought it important to include this option to show we cater to all sensibilities.
** Deluxe Package only available for Democrats who Supported the Paris Hilton Tax-Cut Package
What are you waiting for? If we are going to help Congress, it is going to take all of us doing our part. No matter which package you choose to send, don't forget to add that special personal touch and include the attached gift card. Even if you can't afford to send anything, just emailing that little card or FAXing it to their office will let them know you are thinking of them.
Don't be sheepish. Let's help Our Beloved Democrats get down to business, put their backs into their work, and and finish the job.
So come on folks. Time to step up and do your part to help Our Beloved Democrats. Don't Delay! Everybody say it with me: The Democrats Kneed Us!