Today, I stand before you to declare my candidacy. It is my mission to improve the world. I am not quite sure yet which office is most suitable to do this, but such details do not concern me.
Why am I running? Well, I was driving by the local Taco Time, and saw that they had a sign up for new employees saying "Are you a leader?" And I thought to myself: why yes, I am a leader. And it's about time that America and the world enjoy the benefits of my leadership. Look, people have been recommending my diary entries, and that tells me that I can win elections. I once had my own blog, and got at least three positive comments on it. That's strong stuff.
My candidacy will be clean. I will not accept money from lobbyists. In fact, I will not accept money from anyone. Someone bought me a beer a few years ago, and they are still asking me to return the favor. That taught me a valuable lesson. I should not feel like I have to give anything to anyone, ever. Sure, noone has offered me money so far, but that's beside the point. I don't want your money.
My platform is all about change. Change is good. Status quo is bad. Anything ending in quo is bad, apparently. Quid pro quo or something is bad too. Which has to do with money, apparently. My neighbor Mike says so. One more reason why I'm not taking money.
The second point is that I hate the DLC. They have this thing about triangles. I'm a firm rectangles guy. Maybe even parallellograms; you gotta be flexible. But none of that triangle stuff.
I've also heard that endorsements are good. I can tell you that this guy Ed at the gas station around the corner always tells me that it was nice to see me again. So I know I connect with the common working man.
Lastly, it is time that we got rid of the old leaders. Like Hillary Clinton. She just sucks. Why? Well, she just does. And she did that thing that was bad for the other thing. Plus, Mike says that she likes triangles too. Which is just wrong. It is time for a new angle. See, I am clever with puns, too.
It is time. The world is ready for me. This will be the great tuberoots campaign of our time. And the next time. Spread the word. Together, I can bring down the establishment.