...apparently, we love it!
One of the more obvious social changes for my generation compared to that of my parents has got to be the phenomenon of 'living together'. Boomers (more specifically, the hippies) may have pioneered the societal changes that would eventually make cohabitation common, but it is their children who have truly taken the phenomenon to a new level of commonplace. Once somewhat taboo a scant generation ago even for those who were not particularly religious, shacking up is now utterly normal and downright unshocking. In my opinion, it has fundamentally altered how many of us live out our twenties and thirties, and how/if we choose to marry. For better or worse...?
Kossacks Under 35 is a weekly diary series designed to create a community within DailyKos that focuses on young people. Our overall goals are to work on increasing young voters' Democratic majority, and to raise awareness about issues that particularly affect young people, with a potential eye to policy solutions. Kossacks of all ages are welcome to participate (and do!), but the overall framework of each diary will likely be on or from a younger person's perspective. If you would like more information or want to contribute a diary, please email kath25 at kossacksunder35 (at) gmail dot com.
I am pretty much a poster child for the benefits and problems 'shacking up' can bring. But first, some stats. I have to admit these numbers surprised me a little. From the good ol' Wiki:
In 2005, the U.S. Census Bureau reported 4.85 million cohabiting couples, up more than 1,000 percent from 1960, when there were 439,000 such couples. A 2000 study found that more than half of newlyweds lived together, at least briefly, before walking down the aisle.
The cohabiting population, although inclusive of all ages, is mainly made up of those between the ages of 25 and 34.
And from a site called unmarried.org (interesting stuff). The bold text highlights that for all of us Lady Kossacks under 35, half of us will have lived with an unmarried partner at some point:
There are 9.7 million Americans living with an unmarried different-sex partner and 1.2 million American living with a same-sex partner. 11% of unmarried partners are same-sex couples.
41% of American women ages 15-44 have cohabited (lived with an unmarried different-sex partner) at some point. This includes 9% of women ages 15-19, 38% of women ages 20-24, 49% of women ages 25-29, 51% of women ages 30-34, 50% of women ages 35-39, and 43% of women ages 40-44.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States." Vital Health and Statistics Series 23, Number 22, Department of Health and Human Services, 2002.
The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000.
The number of unmarried couples living together has increased tenfold between 1960 and 2000.
- U.S. Census Bureau, 2000.
These numbers are huge, and they continue to grow. What does this mean for us politically in the future? Will there come a time when there will be an easy way for us to get something like temporary civil union privileges which extends rights that have been traditionally reserved for marriage? Could it be something renewed annually like auto insurance, making you and your partner eligible to share health insurance plans, file taxes jointly, etc.?
How we shape our society as 'traditional marriage' continues it's slow crumble will be very interesting to see.
It seems as if cohabitation has become just another rite of passage for young adults, a convenient state of existence sandwiched somewhere between dating and marriage that makes financial sense for the duration. Even if there are no plans to marry or otherwise commit, it can seem like a smart choice to make. Very often it is. However, now that I have some hindsight and experience I would certainly recommend to anyone considering it to think long and hard about their expectations down the road before taking this particular plunge.
I read somewhere once about how being in your 20's in today's modern times in much more stressful and far less carefree than the image many 20-somethings project. Very true. Not only do we deal with increasing debt and job insecurities (not to mention not being able to afford to move out of our parent's house in some cases), but cohabitation can also result in the same sort of messy trauma that a regular old divorce can bring. Case in point...
My story: Before I met my current husband I lived with my college boyfriend for nearly five years. Our plans for cohabitation were surely borne out of financial convenience first and foremost, along with some sort of undefined fear of how things would change after college. I gave almost no thought to exactly how I imagined this relationship could end, and I suppose that on some level I assumed we would get married, even though I was in no way sure that was what I wanted. When it became clear that we would NEVER MARRY, our lifestyles were so entwined that it was a nearly impossible for me to simply move out without major emotional and financial upheaval. I just didn't have the money. I was 27 by the time I finally had the resources and motivation to move out on my own, and this followed a couple of years of relationship craptacularity. I'm one of those gals who always knew she wanted to have children and a family, etc., so certainly I was mortified with myself for all the time I wasted. Needless to say, I had great reservations about moving in with the man who would become my husband. I did not want to waste any more time, above all else. I made it pretty clear to him that our cohabitation was not a casual thing, and in a way that made me feel sort of old-fashioned. I couldn't quite relax until we were formally engaged, even though I previously felt marriage was rather overrated. Anyway, in the long run I was lucky.
Are we TOO casual about cohabitation as a generation? Is it practical in the long run?
Is this phenomenon a reflection on how we feel about about 'traditional' marriage?
What does it mean for us politically in the future?
Do most people who move in with their boyfriends/girlfriends during their twenties have a nugget of expectation in the back of their minds that this could be a permanent arrangement (or was it just me?)
What's your story?
Discuss. I kinda phoned this diary in, for which I apologize. This whole motherhood thing is really screwing with my ability to think coherently.
...I will add that GLBT couples, sadly, don't have many other options in most of this country for building a family other than cohabitation. That is a diary in itself, to be sure.