I was having a discussion with a co-worker today. A joke has been making the rounds at my place of employment. Whenever a customer asks for something that is totally ridiculous, we have moved beyond the obligatory, "And as long as you are dreaming, why don't you wish for a pony?" into the funnier, "Why don't you ask for a unicorn that poops marshmallows?"
It was in that spirit that we discussed George's speech last night.
Mark, this one is for you.
Preznit George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. Preznit:
Tough couple weeks, huh? First Gonzales leaves, and Tony Snow too. A senator from Idaho (get it, I-Da-Ho?) gets busted for being a naughty boy in a men’s bathroom, Warner and Hagel retire, and you get publicly spanked on national TV by everyone up to and including Joe Biden and Chris Matthews.
Tough times, Mr. Preznit, and tough times require tough men. Too bad you are a draft-dodging prick with the charm of an intestinal virus and the courage of a weasel.
But fear not. I have the answer to your problems. Well, not all of them. The crippling inability to speak in public, the mediocre intellect, and the towering megalomania are not within my power to cure, but there is good news. Maybe you’ve noticed that being involved in a civil war in Asia is not the best foreign policy that a country can embark upon (Asia is between Europe and that big blue thing on the globe called the Pacific Ocean, George). Iraq will hang around your neck like a rotting badger unless something is done.
The problem is two-fold. America needs energy to fuel our cars, and we also need to show those dad-gum terrists what’s what. The answer?
Dragons.
Dragons will scare the living crap out of those bad men. Dragons that can shoot fire out of their mouths, and lightning bolts out their asses. I’d like to see Muhammad Al-Qaeda try to face down a flame-throwing Draco Nobilis, wouldn’t you?
And I haven’t even gotten to the best part. Did you know that dragons pee gasoline? It’s totally true. My buddy Trevor (he’s an intern at The New Republic) tells me that dragons pee gasoline and that it was hushed up by the Carter administration in 1978. So it has to be the truth! Once the dragons bring peace and democracy to the Middle East, we can bring them back home to Texas, where the mighty powers of capitalism will insure an energy independent America for centuries to come.
So get cracking, George! Either we send gasoline-peeing, fireball-breathing, lightning-bolt-out-their-ass-shooting dragons to the Middle East, or we have to keep our own troops in a bloody hellhole for years to come.
I know that you’ll make the right decision.
Sincerely,
John Glaenzer
Woodridge, Illinois