I will begin by assuming that most people have read the excellent and horrific diary by eugene. If not, you definitely should This seems like an excellent time to discuss the wider implications of miscarriage for the millions of women who have had to suffer one or more, and usually in silence.
You see, miscarriage is something of a taboo topic in this country. We have scripts for break ups, divorce, loss of job, and the death of a family member. Yet grieving mothers who have lost a pregnancy are largely expected to remain silent. People don't now how to deal with miscarriage, and because of this and our increasingly anti-choice culture, it's quickly snowballing into a political issue of astounding significance.
I suffer from what is more kindly known as recurrent pregnancy loss. I have had 3 (thankfully early) miscarriages in the past 9 months. In the medical community, I'm what is known as a "habitual aborter."
Now, I am very pro-choice, so I'm not as horrifically offended by that term as many would be, yet I resent that it suggests I chose this. What little script we have for miscarriage largely places the blame on the woman. Now, hear me out. Pregnant women have a huge number of restrictions put on them. They can only gain so much weight. They can't eat this, can't do that activity, shouldn't be around this substance, etc. etc. etc. The list is endless; after 3 pregnancies I still haven't memorized it all. The theory is that if you x, y, and z, you'll have a healthy baby. If you engage in one of the proscribed activities, well that's why you miscarried, and clearly you shouldn't have had that deli meat or taken that bath or walked that extra 3 blocks. After my first miscarriage, the first question I was asked was "what caused it?" with the assumption that I had done something. Sure, I took a bath 2 nights before, but I promise you that did not kill my first baby.
And then there are the more horrific cases. An online acquaintance recently lost her 3rd child at 18 weeks of pregnancy due to placental abruption. She was bleeding so heavily that she almost died, and her husband had to sign the consent form to perform the therapeutic abortion (the baby had not yet died, but there was no way it would live). Yet some women have harassed this grieving woman for daring to have a surgery and dismembering the fetus to remove it rather than laboring, birthing an intact (dead) fetus and then quite probably die. For some people, it is preferable that the woman die rather than harm the doomed fetus. It astounds me that someone actually thought that was a choice
Furthermore, there's the "partial birth abortion" ban, which really only hurts the mothers when something goes horribly wrong with the pregnancy. (See "and I wasted all that birth control" for a compelling example of why this procedure might be used.) Is it better to risk the mother in order to do less horrific things to a doomed fetus? Obviously, I believe not, but some would disagree with me.
In the event that Roe is overturned (something I think is more and more likely every day), every single miscarriage will become a matter of inquiry by the state, and the belief that miscarriage can be caused and can be blamed on someone will not only be more prevalent, but may result in criminal penalties for grieving women. For fear of legal reprisal, the movement and activity of pregnant women will become more and more curtailed, and there goes women's rights.
Miscarriage is frightfully common. I guarantee you that you know at least one person, and quite probably dozens, who have had miscarriages. More than 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. As a culture we need to stop acting like this is women's fault, and simply support the grieving mothers.
(As a hint, don't ask what happened. Don't tell them to get over it. Don't say they can try again. Don't say "at least it wasn't a child." Don't insinuate blame. Don't pretend it didn't exist. Simply express condolences and let the grieving woman come to you. Miscarriage is hard enough to talk about, and it doesn't need to be made worse. No one understands the grieving of another person, so don't assume you do.)