When we last left our terrified audience, they were fleeing the movie theater, as the credits to Attack Of The Killer PondScum scrolled by, watched only by those too petrified to find their feet.
Hastily they upgraded their sleeping pill scripts and returned to their lives, hoping to someday forget the horror. It was not to be. Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water, the previews started, and try as they might, they could not avert their eyes. Something was calling -- a great undertow of a voice pulling them like helpless jellyfish, taunting them with that little orange link they knew they just should not click on, but yes they just did, tripped over the bump they did, to suffer the sequela of the sequel.
The previews of course assure us that the film will be an unmitigated disater... but who trusts even critics these days, nevermind the filmmakers?
We take you directly to the dark alleys of Hollywood Boulevard to catch some of the early escapees from the premier showing and get a sneak preview -- literally catch them, mind you -- like, with a net. After more than a few sedative darts, they are grateful enough to let is know how the movie is going.
"Well, it starts kind of happy, you, know," says Rob, our first catch "The scientists are all up in the North Pole and even though the algae is starting to show up there you kind of get the sense that maybe they have a handle on it. Then it gets scary fast, because you find out the foreign organisms can hitchike around and the pollution is already happenned and it's just sitting there waiting for the global warming, like a time bomb of our own making. And sometimes there's just no explanation. It's one of those Frankenstien moments. Hey, can you shoot me with that thing one more time?"
We were eager to find out what became of some of the first film's best villians, so we asked a young lady too scared to remember her own name. "Yes, the cyanobacteria is back, and it is everywhere. But there's this new one, this 'rock snot' stuff coming in from New Zealand too... it was too scary. I mean I expected to see the dogs die... but all those poor fish. And the cows. The poor cows... whatever did they do to deserve... and what are we going to eat?"
Since our last one is at this point sobbing uncontrollably, we don't press her on her oddly contorted animal conflictions. Let's go catch another. Dave, an obvious tourist, is next to be felled by our big game marksman.
"The jellyfish don't do much in this one, just they start showing up a lot, even in freshwater lakes. They don't shut down any reactors like last time -- the warming does that all by itself. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of disasters and they have everyone from local governments to the army to NASA doing stuff and there's invasions and all -- it's chaos, for sure!"
What I couldn't take was the futility of it all. I mean, they're in there vacuuming it up and trying to kill or starve it but sometimes it all goes wrong. And there's the unintended consequences... they scare the bejeezus out of me."
We're running out of tranqs, so we only have time for one more, and it'll have to be an old one. We catch Elsie before she makes it to the safety of the liquor store: "You thought the algae was bad from the last one, eh? Well it turns out it is just sort of like the apostle... it's what feeds off the algea that's the real menace in this one. I have seen a few flicks in my day sonny, and let me tell you, this one's scary. Plus they had some guy throw a bucket of rotten fish on us, for realism.
So, that's a wrap folks. This film sounds like required viewing to us!
We mean really required. Like even more requiring than the government can do.
Like -- You are going to see this, no matter what. That kind of required.
Sorry to break it to you.