...this is what they'd say!
I spent a weekend with some friends recording hip hop parodies of every GOP candidate. They're pretty damn funny if I say so myself. Take a listen, I think you'll like it!
And yes, that's me doing all the singing. Nothing to write home about, I know, but at least I'm better than the Republican Christmas carolers!
You can download the track here (mp3). Feel free to spread it around! We love file sharing...
And if you want the lyrics, they appear after the jump.
Primary Love (a.k.a. California Love - 2Pac)
Iowa knows how to party
New Hampshire knows how to party
In the city of Des Moines
In the city of Concord
In the city…Iowa city
They keep on talkin'
Now let me welcome everybody to the wild Midwest
The first state to pick the nominee for the rest
Attack ads on TV, pollsters in backrooms
Pack a vest for your jimmy in the airport bathroom
The Hawkeye state with the ethanol lobby
The state that pulled 30% for Mitt Romney
Giuliani's on a mission after Mitt
A lean, mean, money-stealin' machine, talkin' shit
Bush been in DC for 8 years helpin' the rich out
Ever since Florida was a miscount
Now it's '08 and they fakin' and sayin' nothin'
Talking 'bout what's good for the country
But it's all good, from Des Moines to NH
Your city is the bomb if your city make them pay
Throw up a finger if you feel the same way
The GOP's a big fucking joke in '08
Hunter Says (a.k.a. Simon Says - Pharoahe Monch)
Get the fuck out!
Mexicans, get the fuck out.
Reach for the fucking sky.
Supremacists in the back smoking crack, now what's up?
Minutemen, rub on your uzis.
Fuck it, I said it, rub on your uzis.
Duncan Hunter crazy as a motherfucker confronting front-runners with hundreds of immigration numbers
Y'all know the name
Duncan fucking Hunter ain't a damn thing changed
They all up on the borders and shit, immigrating
Still speaking Spanish and never assimilating
So I'm stimulating debate and preaching hate
I'm the one issue candidate
Kickin' in doors and building 20-foot walls
If you don't like it, suck on these American balls
Quit scamming me with sham amnesty
Compassionate conservative blasphemy?
Man, don't laugh at me!
I'll kick 'em all out, I'm the man to appoint
If you're not building a wall then you missing the point.
9/11 Bitch (a.k.a. Move Bitch - Ludacris)
9/11, bitch, I saved the day
I saved the day, bitch, I saved the day
Oh no! The tower's gone.
Why can't I move on?
Terrorism! Guard your kids!
Rudy knows what danger is.
I got caught for my private scams
But you'll forget when we attack Iran
And hit 'em with a warhead
Nuke the whole Middle East
And then there'll be more dead
No Money, Mo Problems (a.k.a. Mo Money Mo Problems - Notorious B.I.G.)
Now, straight talk express
Old-ass man, I'm next to useless
Campaign a real mess
Weak and pointless
Called Iraq a success
And hope for sympathy
Once a maverick, now I'm a joke
McCain, you know ain't nothing changed, still broke
Won't stop 'till the whole world see me choke
Support the president
Look like a straight fool
Saying Bagdhad's safe if you roll with a crew a hundred deep
In the green zone, helmet on my dome
Used to want reform, now I gotta leave that alone
Drop campaign finance for a presidential chance
Said torture's cool, flipped again, disgraced
Always my last attempt, gotta win in this race
Campaign flopped, polls stuck in the 5th place
A broke-ass loser with no dough in the '08
I don't know what they want from me
It's like the more we ditch our principles, the less money we see
Huckabee (Hey Bay-Bay - Hurricane Chris)
Huckabee, Huckabee
Got God calling on the phone (Huckabee)
Lettin' rapists lose on the roam (Huckabee)
Slimmed down about a hundred stone (Huckabee)
Lockin' AIDS patients in a home (Huckabee)
The Christian Right hollerin'
Huckabee! Huckabee!
Flip-Floppin (Big Pimpin' - Jay-Z)
You know I flip 'em flop 'em pick 'em drop 'em, but I don't fucking keep 'em
Take another stance, little song and dance, but I don't fucking mean 'em
These pundits keep on screechin', talkin' 'bout, "What you believe in?"
A politician in the sense of the word, bitch, really start to a secret.
Then I smile for the camera when they want a quote, when I need to get a vote
Then it's flip-floppin' I'm changing my tail, if you vote my beliefs are for sale?
True Christians want to know about Mitt and Christ, can I work with the Christian Right?
Long as you're cool, I'm cool, come on folks, so let's keep winnin' the fight!
Immigration legislation. Y'all want a pro-life nation?
What you wish is my position, I'll be forever switchin'
Even work with Buchanan, I've got no standards, I've got no scruples,
So I'm real useful. So get them votes out!
We doin' flip-floppin', spendin' cheese
We doin' flip-floppin' with M-I-T-T
We doin' flip-floppin' up in SLC
Immigration, health care, pro L-I-F-E
Fred Thompson's A Joke (Gin & Juice - Snoop Dogg)
With so much drama in the GOP it's hard being F-R-E-double D-I-E
But I, some how some way, keep falling half asleep at every CNN debate
May I have a little reast 'cause I'm ancient, trying to do my best to be like Reagan
But it's 2008 and the party's looking desperate because Bush is a joke.
We got Craig in the bathroom, gettin' it on, and Trent Lott leaving 'cause a foot in a scandal
So what we gonna do? Shit, I got skeletons in my closet and my homeboys do too.
So turn out the lights and close the door. But for what? So we can steal some votes! Yeah!
Cause we goin' to need some help with this. Wait, what? I fell asleep and shit.
Sleeping through campaigns, what's my name now, Fred Thompson's a joke!
Laid back. (With my money and my money and my money and my money)
Ron Paul! (Hey Ya! - Outkast)
Alright now fellas! (Yeah!) What's cooler than fiat money? (Real gold!)
I can't hear you, I said what's cooler than fiat money? (Real gold!)
Alright alright alright alright, now ladies! (Yeah!)
I'm going to abolish the IRS for you now in just a few minutes.
You don't need the IRS for nothing!
We've seen them on their baddest behavior. Out of Iraq! I am your savior!
I say now blimp it, b-b-b-blimp it, blimp it for the Constitution!
Reddit, Digg and Reddit, reddit for the Constitution!
(Libertarians, computer nerds, conspiracy theorists, get out and vote!)
Ron Paul! Ron Paul!
(originally published at The Seminal)