Hey, kids!
Wanna be part of the In Crowd here at Kos? Dying to post a diary criticizing one or more of our Democratic candidates, but not sure it'll have the impact you'd like? Burning to put the Party Establishment on notice that you're a political analyst -- and campaign strategist -- worth sitting up and taking note of?
Well, worry no more! Our Acme® DKos Presidential Diary Starter Kit™ -- introduced here exactly one year ago today and more relevant than ever -- is just the tool you need to make your mark on campaign history! Turn to Acme, and amaze and impress your friends!
Join me below the jump for more information on this breakthrough commentary system that's all the rage with the blogging set.
That's right, folks. With just days to wait until the next primary, and 10 months to go before the general election, time is awastin' -- and the political world needs to hear your voice now!
As 80, 90, 100 diaries decrying the qualifications of every one of our Democratic superstars get posted every single day, it's critical that you, too, weigh in -- and the sooner, the better! That's why Acme® has created this special DKos Presidential Diary Starter Kit™!
First-time diarist? Too busy to do the research you need to support your position? Too pressed for time to study the front-pagers to see what it takes to sway the masses? Then our DKos Presidential Diary Starter Kit™ is just the ticket, no pun intended.
Our experts have analyzed the endless stream of diaries aimed at depositioning one or more Democratic candidates and have boiled it down to a simple mutiple-choice, fill-in-the-blank, just-add-water starter kit so simple even a Republican can do it!
Still not sure? Well, then, take a look at our classic "Why I Hate Candidate X" diary form, and see if this isn't the time-saving analytical tool you've been waiting for!
Dear ______________ PICK ONE: a) Kossacks, b) former friends, c) idiots, d) enemies of the state. This is my PICK ONE: a) first diary, b) last diary, c) most meaningful diary yet.
Over the last year, I’ve watched with PICK ONE: a) bated breath; b) disgusted fascination; c) abject horror as _____________ (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) formed his/her Presidential exploratory committee.
I’ve been PICK ONE: a) sent screaming into the streets; b) overcome by the vapors; or c) washed in wave after wave of full body nausea as I’ve watched you all PICK ONE: a) declare your undying support; b) announce your new position as a paid member of _____’s (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) campaign staff; or c) begun yet another .07 Kos fundraising effort on his/her behalf.
Every night this month, I’ve laid awake wondering PICK ONE: how anyone with any a) self respect; b) intelligence; c) love of the Motherland doesn’t know what a PICK ONE: a) shockingly bad choice; b) foe to democracy; or c) goat romancer_________________ (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) really is.
Even the most PICK ONE: a) cursory Web search; b) generous reading of his/her track record to date; c) glowing interviews about _________________ (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) make it clear that __________ (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) a) is ill-equipped to serve as President; b) would be the political equivalent of the South Asian tsunami; or c) can’t find his/her ass with both hands and a roadmap.
When you add his/her purported history of PICK ONE: a) drug experimentation and/or practice of the law; b) longtime residence in Arkansas and/or attendance at an Indonesian madrass; or c) propensity to flirt with farm animals, and you can see that __________ (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) is, quite simply, PICK ONE: a) unacceptable; b) unelectable; or c) must have a pork chop tied around his/her neck so that his/her dog will play with him.
Given ____________’s (insert name of candidate you’re opposed to here) PICK ONE: a) race, b) gender, c) profession, d) fashion sense, it’s clear that it would be impossible to PICK ONE: a) balance the ticket sufficiently to take necessary Red States; b) raise enough dough to match anticipated Republican spending on McCain, or c) get taken seriously by the CIRCLE ONE: bigots/racists/White Folk in the dirty, dirty South.
If you haven’t already PICK ONE: a) joined me in my conclusion; b) written a letter begging __________ (insert candidate you’re opposed to here) not to run; or c) recommended this diary, it’s clear that you might as well PICK ONE: a) go ahead and register as a Republican b) leave Kos now for the shores of Red State; or c) liquidate your assets and emigrate to Venezuela.
I know many of you will PICK ONE: a) call me a Troll; b) label me a moron; or c) tag me as an arrogant motherfucker because of this diary. I know, too, though, that I’ve been blessed with PICK ONE: a) the kind of far-sighted geopolitical insight that comes but once in a generation; b) a David Lee Roth-like, ill-fated hubris; or c) blissful lack of awareness of and sensitivity toward those around me, so your opinion really doesn't matter to me. (Call me?!)
If you don’t share my low opinion of ___________ (insert the candidate you’re opposed to here) and/or, conversely, my high opinion of my own political analysis, you can PICK ONE: a) troll rate my tip jar; b) consider yourself removed from my holiday card list; or c) go fuck yourself.
Talk amongst yourselves.
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