The last couple of years have been really bad for me and my significant other. In the grand scheme of things, as bad as it has been, we're much better off than most. I feel small and petty and bitchy when I get mired down in my own troubles and then see newscasts about Darfur or Iraq or any of the numerous other places and peoples getting pummeled by violence and greed.
We have free counseling at work, so I took advantage of it and went and basically vomited all my crap on the floor for the poor woman to sort through, and when I paused to take a breath, she nodded, scribbled on my shiny new file and murmured "PTSD".
Well, I know what that is, but it startled me. I've not been in a war, I've not been assaulted, not been the victim of any violent crime. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seemed too--important--a term to assign to me. I'm just dealing with a lot of crap, that's all. PTSD is reserved for people with much deeper and more significant traumas than mine. Isn't it? Well, no, not really, because the only perspective any of us have on tragedy is the worst thing that ever happened to us. If the biggest tragedy of your life is a bad hair day, then the ATM not working on Saturday afternoon could be a mighty big deal.
Which led me to wonder--is that what's happening here? Not just on this blog, but throughout this nation. Are we, as a country, suffering from PTSD?
PTSD can cause you to feel and react as if you’re constantly in danger. In this state of chronic hyperarousal, your mind and body is on constant red alert, making it impossible to fully relax, be productive, or enjoy life.
The PTSD symptoms of increased arousal and anxiety include:
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hypervigilance, or being constantly “on guard”
An exaggerated startle response, or jumpiness
There have been a number of studies in the past few years about how we aren't getting enough sleep. The nation as a whole, that is. Some estimates are as high as 70% of us being chronically sleep deprived.
As far as irritabilty and anger, just look at the rec list.
Every day, quite frankly, as a nation, we don't seem to be able to focus on the important stuff for long. Each criminal act by BushCo is met with a outpouring of anger, followed by gnashing of teeth over the failure to prosecute, and on to the next target--which we usually have the next day.
And who can blame any of us for being on guard? The Constitution has been shredded before our very eyes. The economy is in the ditch. Gitmo is still open for business. The war in Iraq continues and Iran may be next. Wiretapping us is necessary and our privacy is REALLY inconvenient. And so on, and so on.
I can't really speak to the last one for anybody else, but I've told my beloved's 12 year old son to stop sneaking up on me because it really isn't funny anymore. I can remember when I used to laugh and go on, now it seems to always send me into a panicked tail-spin.
As much as I hesitate to mention 9/11 (my birthday, woohoo!), I cannot help but wonder--is that where it started? Did that act of violence against our nation send all of us into a tailspin that, 6 years later, we still haven't recovered from because we still haven't acknowledged it or tried to deal with it? I know at least one Kossack has written several eloquent and insightful diaries on this subject (forgive me, I do not remember your name), but I don't know that I ever attributed my reactions, my instincts or my thought processes to PTSD. It was something I attributed to others on a regular basis, but not me.
I wasn't in New York, I didn't lose anyone in the towers, haven't lost anyone in Iraq, so it couldn't be me who had the problem and wasn't thinking clearly. I'm a rational person. I see the propaganda on the "news" for exactly what it is, I hear the language frames and grind my teeth. I've watched the country divide into the "Get this country right with God" and "Get this country right with the people" camps (How the hell did these become two different things?). I've watched as Christianity has been warped into the flaming sword of righteousness and democracy to be swung over the heads of, well, the not-Christian (which is apparently anyone who doesn't have issues with abortion, gay marriage, drug decriminalization, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, Democrats and, well, the list is too long and it seems to have new items daily).
And then there's our [insert sarcasm here] fearless leaders who, again and again do and say things that seem totally off the beam. Is it possible that the simple truth is they're all suffering from PTSD and afraid to do anything, too? Is that bully in the White House so certain in his delusions that their basic insecurity about what to do makes them back down? No doubt they've enabled, time and again to my horror and dismay, but is it because they're in cahoots with him, or because they're as lost and uncertain and scared as I am?
For two years now, I've walked around with this feeling that something is very, very wrong with me. I can't calm down, I over-react, things stay with me much longer than they should, sometimes my mind feels like a stuck album, going over the same moment again and again and again. And now I'm beginning to see that this nation in general, and the upcoming election in particular, are echo chambers for this sense of disconnect, this inability to get a handle on the REAL problem. I feel as though if I can find the end of the thread, I can pull the whole mess apart and really look at it. Fix it. Weave it back together as a cloth instead of the mass of knots it currently seems to be.
And I look at the prospects for the next election, and I hope, but I still don't see the answer. I see people telling people what they want to hear, mostly. The ones who don't, pretty much don't get heard. Clinton says she'll be ready from day 1 (I don't know what that means except she already knows the layout of the house), Obama says we can all get along (its a lovely sentiment, but from where I sit, getting along means doing whatever the oppressive, fascist, corporate shills want), Edwards says he'll take on the lobbyists and kick them out (I don't see how one man can do that, or even 2), McCain wants me to believe the surge is working (you've GOT to be kidding), Romney says he can bring jobs back from overseas (I don't see how a robot can do that), Huckabee is just a nice guy who wants to help (so is Satan if I recall). Each of them is a sound bite designed to appeal to their constituents. No, I don't mean to imply the dems are just as bad as the repubs. Never would I do that. What I mean is, they sound good, and the policies do too (the dems), but anyone who hangs out here for any length of time knows a stimulus package isn't going to save us. I don't hear the debt, even from Dems, in actual numbers, They all play with the stats. I don't hear them talking about the pain this nation will suffer no matter who is in office. I don't hear them saying that those currently in office will be prosecuted even after their term for crimes against this nation (the only way, I believe, to ensure it does not happen again). They do not wholly refute executive power. They don't mention impeachment. Who knows about the FISA bill?
The reason I don't hear it? They don't say it because no one wants the truth. We're terrified that our democracy is gone, that the fight over the direction of this nation is a fight over a corpse that no one wants to admit is dead yet. I see any hope of national discourse disappearing under the weight of past slights, previous mistakes, suspicion and media spin. And I see us allowing it, because we're too scared of the future to look honestly at the present, because we want someone to do something, but we don't know what.
And so we can't seem to take an honest look at any of the candidates. We must be passionate and always supportive, even in the face of issues that should be considered and taken into account (not that they will disqualify a candidate, but myopic, blind faith in anyone--throughout history it has caused nothing but trouble). We must demean and badger those who would question. We must somehow make the candidate of our choice the true candidate, the right candidate, the only candidate for those who are smart/informed/aware/caring/discerning. And by the time the election is upon is, only bitterness will prevail.
After 7 years of Bush, we should know better than the "Ur fer us or agin us" mentality. We should eschew it entirely.
And it is to our detriment if we do not. For if this is, in fact, some sort of PTSD, the damage we do both here on the blogs and out there in the "real world" with all this bickering will simply destroy any hope of reconciliation or peace. With other party members, with our neighbors, with our communities, this divide will continue for as long as we react in fear and anger. The echoes will carry on through 2010, 2012 and beyond.