I need the help of all you Kossacks, since I doubt I can do this on my own.
I am seeking 1 hour of gainful employment.
One single hour.
It's not that I'm unemployed.
Or unemployable.
I work at least 40 hours at my day job and put in another 12 or so on my side projects. But all I'm needing is just 1 more hour of employment.
So can you help a Kossack with another hour of work?
People who know people - make some calls for a friend, eh?
All I need is 1 hour...
....and pocket a cool $3,148,528.
Just one hour collecting the profits from one oil company, please.
Shell's record profits branded 'obscene'
The oil major has made British corporate history with the record figures, which are equivalent to more than £1.5m an hour and come at the end of a three month period when crude prices have averaged over $90 a barrel.
Jeroen van der Veer, chief executive of Royal Dutch Shell, described the performance as "satisfactory" and admitted that overall production for the year had actually dropped 2%.
Emphasis mine.
Money, all theirs.
What, you may ask, could I do worthwhile for that hour?
For roughly $749 per word, I could spend that hour typing an apology to the planet for you sucking at it like mosquitos. Long, flourishing metaphors begging for their souls forgiveness would permeate the document. I will be nice and close it "Respectfully," as not to seem too remorseful on behalf of Shell.
Perhaps the money would infect me with the same greed that possess the company. Under the banner of commerce I will represent Shell's iron fist to any and all governments whose land provides the wealth. I will gently remind them, for an hour, that they do not deserve to share in the wealth under their lands. Who do they think they are - Venezuela?
If I had my way, I'd spend the first half hour archiving every email, every note, every file - especially exec salaries. The next 15 minutes would be sharing that information to everyone else in the company, in partner companies, and especially with the local governments where Shell operates.
The next fourteen minutes I'd spend in a room with every person making more than 100x the lowest paid worker. We'd chat for a spell, making small talk to break the ice before I burn all 27.6 billion dollars in 2007 profit before their eyes.
...I could finance the Iraq debacle for 100 days with that bounty... but not another dime should be spent on the war... there are over 200 days until the election...
The last minute I'd enjoy a martini, made from their collected tears.
A toast to profits!