In an effort to diminish his perceived irritability after a Wednesday morning skirmish with a journalist in Iowa, John McCain has been instructed by his handlers to answer all future interview questions using a simple code delivered via analog signals.
Senator McCain, encased in a futuristic black wheel chair that prevents him from making his trademark spastic gestures, silently and without expression "talked" with Katie Couric from the bridge of the new "Starship Straight Talk."
A transcript from the interview is below the fold.
Couric: Thank you for joining us again, Senator McCain. So this is the new, improved "Straight Talk Express."
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: (smiling) Well, it doesn't get any straighter than yes and no.
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: (rapping on the wheelchair) Is this carbon fiber?
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: Very nice. Senator, some have said that this is another "Hail Mary" stunt by Steve Schmidt in an attempt to reduce perceived negatives shown in polling after Friday night's debate. How do you respond to that?
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: (looking directly at camera) Okay, for our audience, that means no. (back to McCain) Senator, are you not at all concerned that your choice of Sarah Palin as a running mate, the sudden suspension of the campaign last week, and now this might scare voters just a bit?
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: But Senator, isn't it going to be a little tough to answer some of the nuanced questions that pertain to foreign policy, the current financial crisis, and restoring America's leadership in the world with just a yes or no?
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: Senator McCain, if this new tact doesn't work and your numbers continue to drop, what then?
McCain: (silence)
Couric: Senator, do you need me to repeat the question?
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: You'd rather not answer?
Senator McCain "answers" a question
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: Senator, let's turn to Thursday night's VP debate...
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: Excuse me?
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: Senator, let me at least finish the question...
McCain: (beeps twice)
Couric: Senator, are you at all concerned about Governor Palin's readiness to go in front of the country in what will be no doubt be a pressure-packed 90 minutes for her?
McCain: (beeps five times)
Couric: Wait, I didn't get that, was that five beeps?
McCain: (Silence)
Couric: (Looking off camera) Do we know what five beeps means? (Turning back to McCain) Did you mean five individual yesses?
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: Alright, so you're very concerned about...
McCain: (beeps once, interrupting her)
Couric: Senator McCain, yesterday when I asked Governor Palin what news publications or magazines she reads, she answered "all of them." And yet, she couldn't name one. Do you think that's odd?
McCain: (Silence. Smoke appears to rise from inside the wheelchair.)
Couric: Could it be, as some have suggested, that she's over-prepared from all that reading?
McCain: (beeps once)
Couric: Senator McCain, if the unthinkable happens and the debate is a huge disaster for Governor Palin, is there any chance she will be replaced on the ticket?
McCain: (Silence. Smoke is now billowing out of the wheelchair.)
Couric: Oh my God, Senator can I get you something, a glass of water?
McCain: (beeps once)
Transmission from Talos IV is interrupted.
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Sorry if this is too inside Star Trek. As Sarah would say "it just kinda wrote itself, ya know?"