EYES ONLY: NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE
To Be Aired 8:00 PM EST
on Various Television Broadcast Networks
(SUSTAINED APPLAUSE)
JOE BIDEN: Hi there, I'm Joe Biden! Welcome to our special coverage of the 2008 presidential election. We have a very special guest with us today . . . Let's have a big round of applause for Senator Barack Obama!
(OBAMA ENTERS STAGE, STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS)
BARACK OBAMA: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. It's nice to be here.
JOE BIDEN: Senator Obama, if I understand this correctly, you have something very incredible to offer to the American people tonight.
BARACK OBAMA: That's absolutely correct.
JOE BIDEN: What do we have for these folks?
BARACK OBAMA: Well, Joe, for a limited time only, we are offering a Sane and Intelligent President of the United States!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES WILDLY)
JOE BIDEN: That's incredible! I know a lot of people who have been wanting one of those for years.
BARACK OBAMA: Absolutely, and that's why we decided to offer this exciting opportunity to Americans. A Sane and Intelligent President would be a real problem-solver for a lot of people, but this one has more useful features as well.
JOE BIDEN: More than just Sane and Intelligent? What more could we ask for?
BARACK OBAMA: I'm glad you asked, Joe. If people at home act now, they can also receive Sensible Foreign Policy.
JOE BIDEN: Amazing! But what about Civil Rights? I've had a president for several years that has been absolutely horrible with civil rights.
BARACK OBAMA: Well, this particular Sane and Intelligent President also comes standard with a Strong Understanding and Respect For Civil Rights. And there's more, Joe.
JOE BIDEN: More!? Is that possible?
BARACK OBAMA: The Sane and Intelligent President also features Rational Education Policies.
(AUDIENCE MURMERS IN APPROVAL, CHEERING)
JOE BIDEN: That's incredible! Is there anything ELSE the Sane and Intelligent President can do?
BARACK OBAMA: How about Responsible Tax Cuts For Ordinary Americans? The Sane and Intelligent President also comes complete with a Plan to Combat Poverty and a Plan to Jumpstart the Economy, as well!
JOE BIDEN: You know, I was just talking to some people the other day about the economy. They even said that they hoped they could get a Sane and Intelligent President to help solve those kinds of problems!
BARACK OBAMA: For a limited time only, we are also willing to throw in the Blueprint For Change with every order of the Sane and Intelligent President.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY)
JOE BIDEN: This a fantastic product, but I'm sure the people at home are thinking "Do I have enough votes for this?" A Sane and Intelligent President like this might cost 100 votes in stores.
BARACK OBAMA: What would you say if I told you that the Sane and Intelligent President could be yours for only 49 votes?
JOE BIDEN: You know what I'd say...
AUDIENCE AND BIDEN TOGETHER: ...THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
BARACK OBAMA: Well, it's even less than that!
JOE BIDEN: LESS than 49 votes?
BARACK OBAMA: That's right. Less than 49 votes, less than 39 votes. Even less than 29 votes.
JOE BIDEN: Less than 29 votes for a Sane and Intelligent President with Sensible Foreign Policy, Strong Understanding and Respect For Civil Rights, Rational Education Policies, Responsible Tax Cuts For Ordinary Americans, a Plan to Combat Poverty, a Plan to Jumpstart the Economy, AND a Blueprint For Change?
BARACK OBAMA: But wait, there's more!
JOE BIDEN: MORE!?
BARACK OBAMA: Yes, act now and we will throw in Affordable Health Care Coverage.
JOE BIDEN: I would say that's worth more than 29 votes by itself!
BARACK OBAMA: Well the Sane and Intelligent President is less than 19 votes. What if I told you that the Sane and Intelligent President will cost less than FIVE votes?
JOE BIDEN: I would hardly be able to believe it.
BARACK OBAMA: Well I'm telling you right now that the Sane and Intelligent President can be yours for the low, low price of your ONE VOTE.
JOE BIDEN: How is this possible?
BARACK OBAMA: Millions of Americans who also want the Sane and Intelligent President also send in THEIR one votes... soon, we have enough votes to offer the Sane and Intelligent President to the entire country!
JOE BIDEN: Simply amazing! How do voters order the Sane and Intelligent President?
BARACK OBAMA: It's extremely easy. All you have to do is find your local polling location -- probably a local school, meeting center, church, or fire station. You just walk in, speak to one of the operators who are standing by, and select "Barack Obama" on your ballot. Allow 77 days for delivery.
JOE BIDEN: That's it?
BARACK OBAMA: That's all there is to it, Joe. And I'll even throw in an Economy-Stimulating Energy and Environmental Policy to sweeten the deal.
JOE BIDEN: So let me get this straight: for just their one vote, Americans can get a Sane and Intelligent President complete with Sensible Foreign Policy, Strong Understanding and Respect For Civil Rights, Rational Education Policies, Responsible Tax Cuts For Ordinary Americans, a Plan to Combat Poverty, a Plan to Jumpstart the Economy, a Blueprint For Change, Affordable Health Care Coverage, AND an Economy-Stimulating Energy and Environmental Policy?
BARACK OBAMA: That's right. And for a limited time only, if voters bring a registered neighbor, friend, or family member to the polling station with them they will also receive a free Innovative Science and Technology Program.
JOE BIDEN: A president that believes in science? That's incredible! But is there anything the Sane and Intelligent President cannot do?
BARACK OBAMA: Julienne fries. That's it.
JOE BIDEN: Well, that's all the time we have left today, Senator Obama. Thanks for being with us today.
BARACK OBAMA: My pleasure. And don't forget to order the Sane and Intelligent President on November 4. It's a one-day only special event.
JOE BIDEN: This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a Sane and Intelligent President, everyone! And your one vote can get you all that PLUS Sensible Foreign Policy, Strong Understanding and Respect For Civil Rights, Rational Education Policies, Responsible Tax Cuts For Ordinary Americans, a Plan to Combat Poverty, a Plan to Jumpstart the Economy, a Blueprint For Change, Affordable Health Care Coverage, an Economy-Stimulating Energy and Environmental Policy, AND an Innovative Science and Technology Program.