Only one day too late to be posted on National Coming-Out Day, here is my coming-out statement to the DKos community as a M2F transsexual.
Catch me on the flip side for the whole story.
Dear Friends of the DailyKos Community:
I am writing to you to tell you something about me. Many people here know me as a woman. That is what I wish. However, circumstances and my own repression of my basic feelings have prevented me until now from living as a woman.
I am a male-to-female transsexual. I recall feeling, ever since I was seven years old, a severe distaste living in a male body. I remembering wanting to be a girl at about that age, but I thought it was wrong to be a "sissy," so I pushed it down. This feeling reemerged in my consciousness at about age 12, but once again, I pushed it down. I remember experiencing this feeling again at about age 19 or 20. I pushed it down again, but I was less successful that time. By the time I graduated from Davidson College (Class of 1972) at age 22, I was continuously aware of these transsexual feelings. In the three decades that followed, I have drifted from one therapist to another and one job to another and even from one religion to another trying to find out what was wrong with me, why I was so depressed and angry all the time, why I had so little self-confidence, and why I felt such intense self-loathing. I lived in a state of denial of my true nature for 30 years, telling myself over and over again that whatever my problem was, it could not be this.
One of the many misconceptions about transsexuals is that we’re "just gay," but that’s not true. Gender identity is a completely different issue from homosexuality. It is a psychological dilemma that cannot be resolved by cross-dressing or homosexual relationships or a combination of both. It can only be resolved by "transition," a process of shifting one’s appearance and social role from male to female, over a period of years. Many people have heard of the so-called "sex change operation," but that type of surgery is at the end of the transition process.
In the spring of 2002, I admitted to myself that this thing was true. I realized how many things about me it explains: why I haven’t ever married or become a father, why I haven’t had close or stable relationships with women, why I have been so depressed, why I carried around so much fee-floating anger, and why my fictional protagonists are always female (something you have noticed). I have returned to therapy, but with a different and much clearer goal. This time, I was trying to figure out what to do about this thing. In addition to therapy, I began experimenting with cross-dressing and makeup, and discussing my predicament with other transsexuals.
I’m still early in my transition. I’ve been taking it slow, partly because I’ve always had a very low opinion of my own appearance. This attitude is slowly changing. I realize that at my age, I’m not going to turn into some hot sexy babe. I don’t expect to be a reigning beauty. In the next few years, I see myself as turning into a single woman of mature years with a promising second career as a writer.
Hormone replacement is essential to the process. I’ve been on female hormones (estradiol) ever since the spring of 2006. I’ve had some slight breast development. A casual observer, seeing me when I’m wearing a shirt, would probably just guess I have "man tits" like many other middle-aged men. I have also been taking laser hair removal treatments for my beard and chest hair. The chest hair treatment is complete and my last appointment in the series for facial hair is next month. It won’t get rid of all my facial hairs. I have a thin dusting of grey hairs scattered across my face which don’t respond to laser treatment.
Thanks to the hormones, my hair has started to regrow, but since my baldness was far advanced, I don’t expect to get a whole lot of hair regrowth. There are other alternatives: not just wigs, but also hair reweaving, hair transplants from other parts of the head, and hair extensions that can be matched to your natural hair color and attached with surgical adhesive. This last alternative is washable and needs to be replaced every couple of months or so. I’m studying my options in that area. Till I make a definite choice, I have a nice auburn colored wig with bangs.
I have done a little bit with makeup, but I don’t think I’m the kind of woman who lays it on with a trowel, especially since I’m told I have good skin. I moisturize and don’t go out in the sun much.
I sleep in a nightie now. I have started building female wardrobe.
I’m planning to leave my current employer and become a self-employed full-time writer at age 59 and a alf, less than a year from now. I will go full-time as a female at roughly the same time, and legally change my name. The sex reassignment surgery ("sex change operation" in the style of the tabloids) will come sometime after that. I’m open about the exact date. I’m saving money for it now.
I’ve already chosen my new name. I want to have the name Elizabeth Sophia Cross, or Betty for short. At some point, my nomme de plume will change to Betty Cross.
My years of trying t live as a man have not been a total loss. I accomplished some things I’m proud of, and I like to think I’ve been a good friend to those who have sought my friendship.
As a progressive community with many active uncloseted LGBT members, the DailyKos community is sure to be supportive, even if some who know me are not. Let us go forward together, each of us in the identity we choose, to achieve our vision of a better America and a safer world.