Amid all the negative talk of a recession, and the gloom and doom rumors of a tight economy, the government wants you to know that in times of real distress, it is there to help.
The government does not panic, or make rash choices, and neither should you. The government understands that you sometimes feel like a profit center for companies, but that is a negative attitude. The government will of course take care of you and relieve you of stressful decisions in times of difficulty.
In the meantime, here are a few pointers to help you help yourself.
Stay Warm
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On cold days, and especially if it is windy, you should wear tinfoil. Tinfoil has unusual thermal properties, and hence, keeps you warm.
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If you have a gas stove, open the door, blow out the pilot, and turn the gas on full. You do not need to actually light the gas unless you also plan to cook something.
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If you have an electric range, then generating steam can be a great source of warmth. Use low boiling-point liquids such as acetone or gasoline to generate a less expensive steam. Light candles for a romantic mood.
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It is often much easier and less expensive to heat only one room than a whole house. By closing the garage door and running your car, you can quickly get the ambient temperature to a very comfortable level as you peacefully doze off while listening to the radio.
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Take a hot bath! That is always relaxing and it will warm you right up. As the water cools, just reheat it with a hair dryer.
Eat Well
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You can barbecue and heat your house at the same time. Do not use a gas grill, as that could be dangerous. Use charcoal briquettes and continuously soak in starter fluid to ensure you food is cooked through and through.
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If you don't plan on driving anywhere, then drink alcohol. Alcohol has a high caloric content and can be fun too!
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It is true that wallpaper has some caloric value, but what is little known is the paste has even more. There is always a little paste on wallpaper peelings.
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Don't let culture get in your way. Nearly everything that moves is a delicacy somewhere in the world.
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Do not be embarrassed to ask your government for food. Congress is currently taking up a measure for the creation of a new GSE called Soilent Green. This program expects to deliver protein to the public without harming the environment.
Lifestyle
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The government understands very well that people get nervous in times of distress and tend to panic. This is always a dangerous period. In the event of an actual economic downturn, you can take comfort the government will do everything within its powers to ensure that you are dispossessed of harmful instruments such as weapons or gold and silver bullion.
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Go shopping! You can have fun and help out at the same time.
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See the sights! In the event of a foreclosure, you can sink into despair and whine, or you can make lemonade. Take the opportunity to wander, or as the Australian's say, go for a walkabout.
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Look for treasure! There is a veritable goldmine in cans out there, and the government will always accept the good ol' poptop as legal tender.
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Keep a good attitude. Say hello to the officer or soldier you pass by. They just might appreciate it. Don't stare in restaurant windows - it's considered very rude. Anger never solves anything.
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Meet new friends! This great nation would never abandon you, and if times were ever really distressed, you can count on the government to provide for you. When you are standing in line for cheese, strike up a conversation with those around. Keep the conversation positive for minimal trouble with the soldiers assisting you.
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Change careers! If you are between the ages of 14 and 58, there is always a job for you in the military. The work is hard, and it is perpetual, but that is what keeps freedom alive and well in the minds of everyone.