(WARNING: SNARK!)
AP NEWS (Washington, DC)
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In a televised press conference today, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain declared his sweeping plan to roll back the laws that govern physical existence, both on this planet and throughout the universe.
"Today, my friends, I am proud to announce my intention to remove the legislative barriers that inhibit our universe, and discourage growth. For too long our reality has been constrained by the laws of gravitation, thermodynamics and quantum physics. When I am president, I will remove these barriers and allow the universe to grow in new, dynamic and innovative ways."
While his statements were unspecific, a detailed plan appeared on his campaign website within the hour, explaining precisely his intentions and methods of removing outdated and no longer relevant laws that govern the movements and behavior of everything in the known universe, down to the smallest sub-atomic particles.
More below the fold.....
From the section on gravity:
"Large and massive bodies have long held a disproportionate amount of power in our universe. Stars and black holes have come to believe that the universe revolves around them, and that there is nothing the rest of us can do to quell their power. By eliminating the laws that regulate gravity, we can level the playing field for small, independent astral bodies that haven't been given an equal chance in our mass-based regulatory system. This will open the door for all all kinds of viewpoints, including geo-centrism, luna-centrism, and my personal favorite, Jesus-centism."
He further stated that, in an equitable gravitational market, Americans would be given the free choice to be "attracted to any body that they would like", but but stopped short of endorsing same-mass co-orbitation, and reiterated his position that it was a decision "best left to the states".
His criticisms of the Laws of Thermodynamics were harsher, and he went so far as to question the patriotism of the authors, specifically the French scientist Sadi Carnot, whose 1824 paper, Reflections on the Motive Power of Fire, laid the foundation for the formulation of modern laws of entropy.
"We cannot allow our universe to be regulated by outdated 17th century dogma any longer. The idea that closed systems will trend toward disorder is a fundamental constraint that is preventing us from succeeding in our military endeavors. By rolling back these unpatriotic and unnecessary constraints imposed upon us by so called "intellectuals", we will finally be able to bomb the nation of Iraq into a new era of prosperity and self-reliance."
McCain saved his harshest attacks for the relatively new rules that govern the sub-atomic world, collectively known as Quantum Physics. He railed against these regulations as "confusing as hell", and "utterly nonsensical".
"I don't think we have any kind of business passing laws that govern the behavior of particles so small that they can't even be seen. We can't even begin to imagine the kind of destructive effects that government interference might have in these micro-cosmic markets. Besides that, I believe that we don't understand these markets well enough to regulate effectively. We can't even measure a quark's position and speed simultaneously!"
He specifically singled out the Large Hadron Collider at CERN as an example of the excesses and waste related to sub-atomic regulation.
"They've built the largest machine ever assembled in the history of man, funded by scientists, who are funded by grants, which are funded by you. The taxpayer. And the darn thing doesn't even work! It cost over 10 Billion dollars to build, and it failed on its ninth day of operation. I believe this is just another travesty of pork barrel spending and excessive regulation. As president I will fight to collide not protons, but jobs, making new and exotic (though unstable) professions that we can study to better understand the free market."
John McCain has a long history of opposing the laws that govern physics throughout his career in government, and during his tenure in the military. His re-invigoration of the campaign against gravity is especially timely, given the recent Rolling Stone article detailing his miserable pilot's record. John McCain lost five planes throughout his military career, three of them through verified pilot error.
An aide released the following statement:
"John is taking a bold step to roll back the laws that caused his planes to crash so many times. These steps will ensure that our pilots never have to endure the Hanoi hell that he did, and will secure his reputation as a leader on military issues."
The policy announcement sent ripples throughout America, and has recieved much praise in many media outlets. When contacted for comment the Obama campaign released the following statement:
"Under the laws of physics, the universe has expanded, unabated, for nearly 6 billion years. Barrack Obama believes that the laws of physics do more good than harm, and that deregulation of physical reality may carry unforeseen costs that the American people would be unwilling to shoulder. As President, he will strive daily to insist on reasonable, peer-reviewed regulation of the universe, and work to make existing theories into law."
The spokesman did concede one point to Senator McCain, regarding sub-atomic regulation:
"I don't think anyone really understands Quantum Physics. I think some of our laws may be incorrect, and would need to be reviewed, updated, and in some cases, repealed. I mean, seriously... Schrodinger's Cat? It just doesn't make sense!"
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Thanks for reading!! - MikeDub