A Call to Arms from an Honest to God, Real, Pro-American, Conservative Culture Warrior
The goal of Proposition 8 was simple; "Protect Traditional Marriage. Stop Gay Marriage." The reasoning behind it was so simple even a hell-bound, hedonistic, homosexual, pervert could understand it; Traditional Marriage is the very foundation of civilization itself, and if it is redefined or altered in any way, in this case, by allowing gays and lesbians to marry, then civilization would crumble. Why would it crumble? If homos are allowed to marry, children will learn that gay people actually exist! Then it would only be a matter of time before people start demanding the right to marry their pets. It’s only the next logical step. If you allow Adam and Steve, you have to allow Adam and Fido. A line has got to be drawn!
So, like an alcoholic waking up in a puddle of his own urine and vomit, we’ve taken the first step and admitted we have a problem. Society has gotten The Gay. "Prop H8", as the civilization-hating, gay activists are calling it, eliminated the previously granted civil rights of a minority group by a simple majority vote (Always a good idea!). But this is only the first step. The foundation of our civilization has many cracks, the origins of which date back much further than May 15, 2008, the day those activist judges of the California Supreme Court struck down the ban on gay marriage. Further steps need to be taken to restore our foundation and they need to be taken now!
The next, vital step in restoring our foundation is the immediate re-criminalization of homosexuality. Those gays have gotten way too uppity since the United States Supreme Court ruled on November 18, 2003, in Lawrence vs. Texas, that states could no longer punish homosexuals for what historically has been called "deviant sex." If you allow gays to go around having all that hot, gay sex, they’re going to want to keep having all that hot gay sex. And if the sex is hot enough and gay enough, eventually they’re going to want to keep doing it with the same person and we all know where that leads. U-Hauls! Lesbians and their U-Hauls are actually what got us into this whole Domestic Partner/Civil Union/Marriage/Slippery Slope mess in the first place. While gay men were out doing what good deviants do, having all kinds of recreational sex with multiple partners, often involving recreational drugs, in recreational places (parks, public restrooms, discos), the lesbians were having actual relationships! And when all that recreational sex the men were having lead to the AIDS crisis, or more commonly referred to as God’s Answer To Homosexuality, it was the lesbians who stood up for their gay brothers and demanded that they be treated like actual human beings. The nerve! And when the next generation of young men were recruited into the life-style, and they saw where all that deviant behavior could lead, they had the gall to go out and get into relationships of their own. So re-criminalizing gay sex will force all those nasty gays back into the closet and stop them from recruiting all those straight men who certainly didn’t go into that public restroom in the park in the middle of the night for anything other than a good bowel movement after a brisk run on a hot, summer night. Maybe he wouldn’t have been out so late if his wife wasn’t such a nag and was always talking about how great her best friend Marcy is! How caring and understanding and what a great listener Marcy is! How Marcy would certainly put her dirty socks in the hamper where they belong and not leave them lying on the floor and would call if she were going to be working late again and would put the seat back down and wouldn’t chew with her mouth open and Jesus Christ woman, if you love Marcy so much than why don’t you shut up about it and go be with Marcy already! But that would be gay and gay is bad. Very bad. A threat to the very foundation of civilization and we’re on the road to recovery. Hallelujah!
The next step in this struggle to restore the foundation of our civilization has to do with our good Mormon brothers and sisters. It was the members of the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints who did most of the heavy lifting throughout the Yes on 8 campaign. The contributions from LDS members alone added up to $20 million. Additionally, LDS members donated almost $7 million to a similar measure, Proposition 102 in Arizona, which, thankfully, also passed. How can we reward these good culture warriors who did so much to help beat back the threat of homosexuality? Church founder Joseph Smith Jr. said God’s commandment to him and his followers was "to take virgins ‘an hundredfold in this world’ for the purpose to ‘multiply and replenish the earth’so ‘that they may bear the souls of men.’" Joseph took that to mean marrying eight underage girls including one fourteen year old and two sixteen year olds. God did demand that they be virgins, and how many girls past seventeen are still virgins anyway? Even by 1830’s standards, he was just playing it safe. Imagine what God’s wrath would have wrought if he had married a non-virgin! And think of the benefits to future, underage, Mormon girls. They won’t have to graduate high school or worry about a career or a life of their own. They can rest easy knowing that, if they stay virgins, then a good, God-fearing, strapping young man of say, fifty, will take them as his fifth or sixth wife. Congratulations, ladies! Now some may say that the majority of Mormons today no longer practice polygamy, known to true believers as "The Principle." I don’t know about that, but we are talking about restoring Traditional Marriage, right? Well, then, Traditional Marriage for Mormons means taking several, child brides. Any less for a Mormon and you’re going to hell along with all the homos. I didn’t make up these rules. God did. Just wearing the underwear and going on your little missions doesn’t cut it. So to all you wimpy, Mormon men out there who say they only want one wife, suck it up! The future of our civilization hangs in the balance!
Further more, we must not forget our good Catholic brothers and sisters who sacrificed so much to help push back the threat of gay marriage. Their great leader, former Hitler Youth Nazi, His Excellency Pope Benedict XVI, went so far as to call gay marriage, "an objective obstacle on the road to (world) peace." As the kids today say, that’s really bringin’ it, Pontiff! And lets hear it for Cardinal Roger Mahony of the Archdiocese of Los Angeles who said of the ban, "I am grateful to the Catholic Community of Los Angeles for your commitment to the institution of marriage as fashioned by God and to work with such energy to enshrine this divine plan into our state's Constitution." Mahony cuts to the heart of the matter here which is, separation of church and state be damned! That’s what it’s really all about. And Mahony certainly knows what he’s talking about. He’s been out there fighting for tradition, the tradition of silencing minorities, minor children in the case of all of those whiny alter boys, for decades. Good on you, Rog! But merely denying gays the civil right of marriage does not go far enough. There are other elements of God’s divine plan that we can and must enshrine into our Constitution.
The next vital step is to put a ban on all divorces. The good book does say that "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder" or something to that effect. Full disclosure here; I’m not that big on reading. What we’re really talking about here is "‘till death do us part." That is the key! Image if the gladiators of ancient Rome fought until the "irreconcilable difference." Ridiculous! You can’t leave out the "death" part! Like life itself, no one gets out of marriage alive. Annulments being the only exception. Annulments are totally fine and in no way represent any sort of threat to the family or civilization because an annulment retroactively cancels out your marriage. It says that a marriage never actually took place. So long as you are a rich, well connected Catholic, you can get married, have six or seven kids, then after fifteen or twenty years when your wife’s hips are out to here and her tits are sagging down to there, hit up your good friend Father Bill, or Chuck, or Paul, or Rick, or whoever, make a nice, sizable "charitable donation,", remember, the church is kind of strapped for cash these days what with all those lying alter boys, he waves his magic wand or cross or whatever, and presto! Your marriage never existed. Pretty neat, huh?
Moving along, I really don’t think we need to get into the whole pro-life thing here do we? I mean, we all know that abortion is murder and that any woman who gets one for any reason whatsoever should be condemned to the fires of hell for all eternity, right? Right! So, of course eliminating birth control is the next big step in the sacred plan for restoring civilization. As the song says, "Every sperm is sacred," and that "For every sperm that’s wasted, God gets quite irate." I didn’t make it up. It’s all in the book. Deuteronomy, I think. Spilling your seed and all. That means no more rubbers, no more diaphragms, no more pill, or morning after pill (that’s murder too, ya know!), and sorry, no more masturbation. Hey, if we can tap a phone and read your email, you think we can’t find out who’s been beatin’ off? We got cameras that can see through walls from outer space, for cryin’ out loud! However, you can get a special dispensation from your priest. I recommend buying in bulk. They’re cheaper that way.
And let us not forget our good allies in the black churches! The prominent ministers like the heroic Rev. Gregory Daniels who said, "If the KKK opposes gay marriage, I would ride with them." The generation of African Americans who fought so hard for their own civil rights in the 1960’s, only to come out so strongly to protect Traditional Marriage from the gays. Gay rights are not civil rights, right? Damn right! That’s what the Right Reverend Jesse Jackson has stated. And in this case, and in this case alone (otherwise the guy’s a total nut-job!), I totally agree with him. Besides, the real "authority" on civil rights was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and despite all those rumors that one of his closest friends and advisors, Bayard Rustin, was a homo (and commie!), King didn’t like the gays either. Obviously, when his widow, Coretta Scott King said, "A constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages is a form of gay bashing and it would do nothing at all to protect traditional marriages," she was still crazed with grief over his death some forty years earlier.
Besides, despite what all the "science" says, homosexuals aren’t really a minority anyway. They’re deviants! Same sex attraction is not an inherent trait, it’s a life-style choice. Just ask any of those happy, well adjusted ex-gays coming out of Focus on the Family’s "Love Won Out" retreats! They’ll tell you what miserable deviants they used to be and how much better their lives are now that they’ve prayed the gay away. No one likes a deviant. Except maybe for the occasional, hot girl-on-girl variety deviant. But, and I can not stress this enough, only the hot ones! Lindsey Lohan is fine. Rosie O’Donnell? No, I’m sorry, that’s just gross. Ellen? Well maybe, but only if we get to watch her with Portia.
Bottom line; you can’t separate the civil rights movement from the church and we all know where the church stands on homosexuality, with the above mentioned exception for the occasional, hot girl-on-girl variety, don’t we? As far as civil rights in general, we as a society need to rethink that whole concept. I mean, did anyone ever get to vote on whether or not straight couples of different races should be allowed to marry? What happened to the democratic process there? We can not go around letting the races mix. My God, people! Just look at who our next president is going to be! If that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is. Then again, Barack Obama has said repeatedly that he, as a Christian (even though we all know he’s actually a Muslim), is against gay marriage but that he is also against gay marriage bans, so who knows what the hell he’s talking about. Typical Democrat. Ban Democrats! But that’s a topic for another column.
Getting serious here, in order to protect civilization, to really, really get in there and protect the be-Jesus out of our civilization, for now and for all time, we need to abolish the 14th Amendment, the so-called "Equal Protection Clause" which shamelessly states, "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." In lay-man’s terms, it basically says you have to treat everyone equal under the law. So if you give one group over here the right to do something, like, I don’t know, for the sake of argument lets say, marry the person that they love and most want to be with, well then, you have to let all groups do the same thing. It’s the law of laws. The big cheese of laws, if you will. So, without a doubt, the Equal Protection Clause greatest threat to our civilization ever. Bigger than the gay threat? Yes, I’m afraid so. See, without the Equal Protection Clause, the holy grail for civil rights wacko’s, there could be no gay rights. No civil right of any kind! And isn’t that the real goal here? Eliminate the rights of this whiny, needy, little group over here, and that annoying, tiny, little special interest group over there? To live in a country with no whiners allowed? To live in a country ruled by God and His laws? Yes! Yes it is.
Now some might say, "Well, who’s God are you going to listen to?" And, "Which version of the Bible are you going to base your laws on? The Catholic Bible? The Protestant Bible? The Koran?" Jesus Christ, no! Who the hell said anything about that terrorist leaflet? Work with me, people! The answer to that question is simple. We hold one, big, national, proposition/referendum. Call it, "Proposition Protect Civilization" or "Proposition Repair Civilization’s Foundation" or something to that effect. I’m sure we could find some fag to give it a snappy name. Or how about just give it a number? "Prop 1" has a nice ring to it! And here’s how it works. You get all the churches from all the states to get all their followers to pump as much money into advertising as possible. Then you flood the airwaves with commercials calling this religion false and that religion a bunch of terrorists and the other one a bunch of child-molesters and that one a bunch of cow-poking freaks and then when all the churches have completely blown their collective wads, you have your election. And whoever put the most money into advertising and whoever had the best ads, wins! Because that’s what freedom is really all about. And that, my friends, is how we restore the foundation on which our great, God-loving, God-fearing, God-blessed civilization is built!