Sure, I live in Oregon, but that does not automatically make me a tree-hugging dirt worshiper (I empathize with the trees but do not feel that they need me to hug them; if anything they are likely to be offended by such patronizing.). Despite the fact that I am given to wearing tie-dye and own an organic whole foods cafe that serves vegan pancakes and soysage, I am not a crunchy granola head. In point of fact I am an obnoxious New Yorker who moved to the Northwest because I thought that this would be the best place for me to convert vegetarians into omnivores.
I believe that a hand-formed, freshly grilled burger with caramelized onions and a pint of Warpigs Wheat* is about as close to heaven as us mere mortals can get while still clinging to this dust speck of a planet. I know for a fact that a pulled pork sandwich with BBQ sauce dribbling down your chin is Divine Assurance that we are meant to enjoy our brief sojourn among the living. And don't even get me started on bacon. We take our bacon pretty damn seriously around here and go through about 20~25 lbs of it a week in the cafe. A day without bacon is like a day without oxygen.
Despite my carnivore bona fides, my teenage daughter is a vegetarian. I don't hold it against her 'cause it's a moral decision for her and I respect her and I know how she misses bacon yet still abstains. I'm not really out to convert vegetarians either, I am well aware that reducing our meat consumption is one of the best ways to help the environment. I believe that all things used in moderation is the simplest path to achieving balance for the planet and ourselves.
While seeking to maintain balance is always my goal, I came across an article yesterday which threw me off balance. Wired Magazine has a monthly feature called What's Inside, wherein they explain the chemical components of a quotidian product like shaving cream or deodorant. Unfortunately they do not put this column online or I would link to it for you. The December issue focuses on fabric softener. It's probably something that very few people give a first thought to, let alone a second one. If you're like me then about half the time you're doing laundry you remember to throw one of those fabric sheets into the dryer. The thing does its job and we don't even think about it.
Well, now you get to think about it. Given the lede, I think you know what's coming. The principal component of fabric softener is animal fat, rendered from horses, cattle and sheep. That's right, your clothes are given a coating of horse fat to make them feel softer. Which may explain why this company uses a bear as their spokesmodel. Are they trying to subliminally tell us something about their product?
It is well known among bakers that the best pie crusts are made with a bit of beef fat and that in the good-old-days McDonald's deep fryers too were filled with beef lard. Vegetarians and vegans have to be oh-so-careful about their food choices; even the things that come from plants which we think of as inherently vegetarian, like sugar, is filtered through charcoal made from animal bones to bleach out the sugar's natural color. I accept such small risks that things may not be what they seem (like sugar) when eating factory food because I am not a vegetarian and I try to limit the amount of factory-produced food I consume, but should I have to accept the same risks with a product that is not food-related?
Am I a hypocrite for being bothered by this? Sure, I'll invoke Whitman, "I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" I use animals for food and for clothing too. There is nothing better for shodding your feet or holding up your pants than items fashioned from cowhide, but those were conscious, informed decisions I made. I chose leather shoes knowing that an animal died so my feet could be comfortable, protected, and maybe a little stylish (unlikely). Nowhere on this bottle of liquefied lard in my laundry room do the ingredients list animals. In fact the only ingredient listed is the abstruse "biodegradable fabric softening agents." AYFKM? That's like saying a car is made of, "inorganic automotive parts."
I want to have informed consent about the products I use. Just as my customers have a right to know what goes into the food I serve them, I have the right to know exactly what goes into the products that corporations are trying to sell to me. The corporations of course have a long history of fighting truth in labeling regulations. One of the latest battles involves milk labeling. Producers who don't give rBST to their cows are being prevented from saying so on their milk cartons because to do so would point out that the other milk producers do give growth hormones to their cattle and we can't have consumers properly informed about what's in their food or how the animals are being treated on our behalf.
We need stronger labeling regulations and we need the government to stop kowtowing to corporate demands for obfuscation, lies, and half-truths. We are unknowingly applying a layer of animal lard to our clothes. Yes, of course, caveat emptor applies here, but how the would you even know what to beware of from this cryptic bullshit: "biodegradable fabric softening agents." Who knows what else goes into anything we buy? Is my porcelain dental crown made with depleted uranium? What heavy metals are used in my computer? Was cyanide used to make my gold wedding band?
I would like to think that our new administration will address these labeling issues but I have little hope that they will. There is no clear cut line of responsibility for this as it cuts across Commerce, Food and Drug, Agriculture, and the FTC. Help me out Kossacks, is there a path to making corporations forthcoming about what goes into the products they sell (yes, yes, I know, this is probably among the least of their crimes; I am starting small)? And even if we did know what is supposed to go into a product, how will we be sure when our consumer goods come increasingly from the corrupt unregulated hinterlands of Asia?
For those of you who are just as grossed out by fabric softener as I am, there are some alternatives out there. I am going shopping today to pick up something else to use in my laundry so I no longer have to wonder what animal I am wearing next to my skin and my daughter doesn't have to freak out and become a naturist (warning: frightening picture of saggy old butts).
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*Unabashed plug for a local brew few of you have any hope of ever tasting: Warpigs Wheat is crafted by a boutique brewery (Off The Rail Brewery) in Oregon that is so small they do not even have a web site (or I would have just linked to it). If you should happen across it by all means have a pint with a slice of lemon. There is no finer Hefeweizen on this good earth for a hot summer day.
BTW, I checked with the folks at Off the Rail and they assured me that the name Warpigs does not imply that there are pigs in the beer, it only means they dig Ozzy.