Thursday, November 27, 2008
Phoenix, Arizona
A Hummer minivan pulls up in front of a home on a tree-lined street in a Phoenix suburb. "Okay, guys, let's get to it!" Sarah Palin shouts into the backseat, springing out of the passenger door and unfastening Trig from his carseat. Todd Palin opens the driver door and begins untying a fresh moose carcass from the luggage rack.
"Is that a dead moose?" asks a member of the papparazzi, who are gathered outside the wrought iron fence that protects the McCain family homestead from intruders.
"You betcha!" Sarah replies cheerfully, hoisting Trig onto her hip and smiling into the camera.
"We drove down from Alaska, so the cold winter air keeps the moose fresh," Todd explains. Bristol's fiance Levi lends a hand, and the two men drag the moose by the horns up the walkway to the door of the McCain house, where John and Cindy stand waiting.
"Such a delight to see you again, Sarah," says Cindy, offering her dainty hand for a shake.
"Oh yah! So wonderful to be here with you and your husband, a true, pro-American American hero," Sarah says, still smiling into the cameras and waving.
"Hello, Sarah, it's good to see you," says Senator McCain, smiling awkwardly. He catches sight of the moose carcass and exchanges a panicked look with Cindy. "Uh, what's that you've got there?"
"Thanksgivin' moose," says Todd, wiping his blood-stained hands onto his pants and offering a handshake to the Senator, who pretends not to notice. "You know, for the feast. You said to bring a side dish."
"But we've got turkey..." Cindy begins.
"Oh yah, but it's tradition for Alaskan-Americans to have some moose stuffing with their turkey. Where's your grinder?" Sarah asks.
"My mommy makes the finest moose stuffing in the world," Piper Palin chimes in. "When my mommy is President, we're going to make a cookbook of real American foods."
"Yah," Todd agrees. "None of your fancy cheese from goats and Hamas and the such."
"Hummus," Cindy corrects.
"Where?" Sarah asks, handing Trig to Todd. "I'm not afraid to, you know, roll up my sleeves and get on in there and shore up our homeland security."
"It's hummus, not Hamas," Cindy tries again.
"Well I don't care how you say it, but you know, I'm not going to wave the white flag of surrender. I'm going to go right up to that Hummus and tell them, you know, we just won't stand for your anti-American-ness. Also too, you know, the 9/11."
"Heh heh, now Sarah," says John McCain. "I think you are confusing Hamas, the Palestinian extremist group, with Hummus, which is a dip made from bean curd."
"Bean turds?" Levi asks. "Sick. Give me some mooseballs anyday."
"Mooseballs?" Cindy asks in horror.
"You betcha!" Sarah responds cheerfully. "Spaghettis and mooseballs. It's my kids favorite."
A loud pick-up truck rumbles up the drive. "Oh, look who it is!" John McCain says to the papparazzi, who are slowly losing interest and retreating toward their news vans. "Joe the Plumber! He's here to celebrate our American Thanksgiving gathering with us!"
Joe parks his car on the McCain's front lawn. "Hey there, Gov. Hey there, John." He gives each a bear hug. "I brought a little something for you all." He hands out wrapped packages, the size and shape of a book.
"Ooh! I know what this is!" Sarah exclaims, as they all unwrap their gifts.
"You should! You wrote the forward," Joe says with a wink.
"Your book... 'How to Get Famous from Someone Else,'" Cindy reads aloud.
"How thoughtful," says John McCain.
"When do we eat?" asks Joe. They all give a final wave to the cameras, and Joe pulls John McCain aside.
"By the way," Joe asks. "Who do I talk to about this pardon business? I gotta get the IRS off my back."
"Oh Joe," laughs Sarah. "I think we've pardoned enough turkeys for one presidency!"
They all laugh.
Curtain.