If there's one thing that the battle over Proposition 8 showed, it is that the issue of same-sex marriage is one that engenders strong debate and passionate opinions. Conservative religious organizations and their followers fight vehemently against these unions; in the 2008 election, they succeeded in convincing a narrow majority of Californian voters that the right of same-sex couples to marry should be eliminated (in those words).
As the legal actions commence and the national debate continues, many in the LGBTQISACRONYM community are unsure of how they can get the nation on their side.
A September poll showed that two-thirds of those under 35 support same-sex marriage. The most active opponents to same-sex marriage largely have been those who have received the dreaded letter from the AARP. I believe that the solution to marriage equality sprouts from these statistics.
To win marriage equality, you must live them to death.
Now, I'm not saying that we should go about killing those opposed to same-sex marriage; good luck getting those pinko commie homosexuals to even consider violence. My point is that they're doing that job well enough on their own.
Have you ever been to a conservative church's post-service luncheon? Have you seen what they serve at those things? I have seen deep-fried Twinkies shoved through two donuts and served on a stick, and I live in New England. I can only imagine how these things are in the Deep South, where deep fryers are passed down from generation to generation like a family quilt.
According to my BFF teh internets, a deep-fried Twinkie is 425 Calories, while two donuts add another 460 Calories. (The stick adds a negligible amount of Calories depending on your eagerness to eat, although the FDA does informally advise against the consumption of wood.)
That's a whopping 895 Calories off of a simple snack. Eating that gives you more Calories than having a cheeseburger, medium fries, and a medium Coke at McDonald's (300, 380, and 210 respectively for a total of 890 Calories-- although the 15 Calorie ketchup packet on the fries will put you over the top).
Anyone who has ever argued the issue against someone with deep religious convictions knows how stressful it can be for both sides. Your heart starts racing, your blood starts flowing, your lungs start pumping. It's like sex, except you're having it with someone who hates you, there's no satisfying conclusion, and you both leave feeling bitter. (Actually, for some of you who already got married, that might be exactly like sex. Thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal.)
These people view your existence as a personal affront, an assault on the Biblical values that God handed down and dictated personally to Joel Osteen. The mere thought of gays existing-- anywhere-- is enough to send them into a stressful outrage, forehead vein and all.
Those 895 Calories make their return appearance as, in their furious fear of flamboyance, they fall flat to the floor of a clogged-artery-induced heart attack.
Thus, our solution. You must live them to death. The longer you're thriving, the longer they're writhing. This is a two-pronged strategem:
- Be gay. Not just gay, but gaaaaaay.
- Be healthy. Not just healthy, but heaaaaaalthy.
(To save time, try combining these two points in some fashion, perhaps by eating a banana suggestively, jogging in tight shorts, or hiring an attractive personal trainer, slowly developing both your body and your relationship, eventually falling in love like in so many mediocre romance novels and co-owning a gym in the Haight.)
While this is largely a passive assault on the opposition, you may choose to take a more assertive role by donating deceptively high-fat baked goods to your next evangelical church's bake sale. Note that in some districts, this may count as third-degree murder, so check with legal counsel before pre-heating the oven. (To keep with the points above, be sure to ask your legal counsel while making out on a treadmill.)
If we can get the anti-equality elderly to rage themselves into submission, the newly-created pro-equality majority can ensure equal rights for all citizens. So don your rainbow bracelets! Throw your rainbow rallies! Live your rainbow life! And let those who oppose you seethe; while time will assure our victory, it's nice to move things along a bit!
(Incidentally, given the political persuasions of pro-equality voters, the new majority will also end up creating universal health care, increasing the life expectancy and national quality of health, so once you're past the post, hurry up and act before preventative care becomes overly commonplace.)
ETA: Hurrah, Diary Rescue!