Obama's fragile 9,000,000 vote victory is being seriously undermined! Teh gays' continued whining and complaining is threatening to derail Barack's electoral mandate! What is a 192 Electoral Vote margin compared to half of Kos's rec list?! How can his political capital survive the onslaught of dozens and dozens of diaries on Daily Kos?! We must mobilize, and beat down their divisive agenda.
We haven't seen anything this scary since PUMA!
This has got to stop! There are more important things to think about! We can't afford to allow teh gay to hijack Obama's executive priorities. If they have their way, he'll never get around to reforming healthcare, he'll be too busy traveling the country grand marshaling gay pride parades! And everyone knows, this fissure between Obama and teh gays is just the sort of in Pfizer is looking for to hijack the reform package.
How can he ever get the country detangled from Iraq and Afghanistan, if Obama is receiving sternly worded letters from Barney Frank and the Human Rights Campaign! How can he investigate torture abuses if teh gays have him too busy judging the Mr. International Leather Man competition?
You guys, we have to get them to quiet down! Everyone knows, no one can effectively govern if teh gays are complaining! You can't cross teh gays and maintain your political viability! This ruckus is a serious threat! Deadly serious!
Oh my god, and don't even me started on the boycotts, picketing and protests! Don't they know the economy is in meltdown! How will Obama commandeer the wheelbarrel of money for Wall Street, if he's all distracted trying to save El Coyote from bankruptcy! We need to save those TARP funds for Citigroup, not waste them in Burrittoville! They won't be happy until he divorces Michelle and marries Liza Minellli!
Mark my words, you gays, I will not forgive you if Obama limps into the 2009 Congressional session, hobbled--hobbled!--by you neo-McCarthyists in the Velvet Mafia! I will not forgive you! I can't believe I let my wife drag me to a Clay Aiken concert, NEVER AGAIN! And she's on her own next time Wicked comes to town.
Spider-man says, "With great power, comes great responsibility!" Oh, if only teh gays would wield their enormous power with more responsibility! Someone make them stop, for the love of God, STOP!!! They are screwing everything up! Oh, it's all going down in lavender flames! The Republic is crashing to the ground! Oh, the humanity!!! Why do they expect him to spend ALL HIS TIME trying to reunite the Village People?!
Call to action:
Please join me in explaining why this isn't really important, and why now isn't the time, and why Rick Warren isn't really so bad, and why it's important to kiss the ass of people who have been kicking ours for eight years. With a narrow 9,000,000 popular vote win, they need to understand why it's so important to play nice with the folks that forwarded all those "Obama's a secret mooslim terrorist" emails. Remind them that no one else will have them, what are they going to do anyway, vote for Sarah "Pray the gay away" Palin? Good luck!
And, don't forget to remind them that really no one really cares, and that the truth is, most people don't really like them, except maybe few of us. I mean, we're on their side, but if they don't behave we might not be for long!!! And they're only hurting themselves!