Department of Homeland Security officials have detained an elderly man this morning on a number of charges including Customs violations, traveling without a valid Passport or Visa, flying an unregistered aircraft, and what a spokesman for DHS referred to as "numerous suspicious and questionable behaviors."
Decreased manpower due to the Christmas holiday means the man, a Catholic believed to be Greek or Turkish in descent, is likely to spend Christmas in a detention facility. Bush administration spokesperson Dana Perino attempted some damage control at her morning press gaggle, stating, "This man is a suspect in a number of international crimes and we are well within our rights to detain him indefinitely."
The man, identified as Agios Nikolaos, claims that he has done nothing wrong and that he is not a terrorist. "I take off my shoes for their stupid people. No bombs in my shoes. I do not bring more than three ounces of shampoo or toothpaste because of the stupid regulations. I have to buy my coffee at Cinnabon in the terminal past security and they charge me $8 because they know they have me by the balls."
TSA employees say they are not sure how Nikolaos was able to bypass security, as he has no valid travel papers. "Don't let the guy fool you," one of the TSA agents remarked. "He's tricky; I believe he did everything they're saying he did."
The final straw came at Chicago O'Hare International Airport, where many flights have been canceled or delayed due to weather. "Everybody's grounded because of this shitstorm we've been having," says Harlan Jacobs, a 33-year-old baggage handler. "All of a sudden, there's a big fucking red light taking off. We're all like, 'who the fuck is that?'"
The craft was forced to land at an airstrip near Indianapolis, Indiana, where Nikolaos was taken into custody. His aircraft, which was described by a DHS spokesman as "fairly unconventional" was impounded, and personnel from the United States Department of Agriculture were called in to take possession of livestock. Asked the nature of the livestock, a USDA spokesman said, "I don't know, nine fuckin' caribou or somethin'."
Nikolaos claims he had been visiting the United States early to deliver a special Christmas present to President Bush. "Giving gifts is kind of my thing," says Nikolaos. "But people like George W. Bush, let's just say he's on a special list."
Such language has concerned Homeland Security agents assigned to Nikolaos, but Nikolaos insists he has done nothing wrong. "A guy like President Bush... he is very bad man. He deserves coal for Christmas. A lot of coal." Nikolaos saw an opportunity to give President Bush "exactly what he deserves" when a retaining wall holding a 500 million gallons of toxic coal sludge broke in Tennessee. Nikolaos says his intention was to scoop up large quantities of coal sludge and deliver it to Bush on Christmas Eve.
Homeland Security and the Secret Service have classified such language as "terrorist threats against the President of the United States", a very serious charge. Bush administration officials have ordered that Nikolaos be held indefinitely and have suggested that while the United States does not torture, Nikolaos may be subject to "harsh interrogation techniques", such as cutting off toes or electrocuting his genitals.
Nikolaos, for his part, does not seem concerned. "These guys are just showing themselves to be as naughty as I thought they were. I checked the list twice already, this counts as a third time." He adds cryptically, "There are plenty of chimneys in this place though. If I were a member of the Bush family, I'd stay clear of his stocking, if you know what I mean."
PS Here is a picture of a Santa Cat.
Happy Holidays, y'all.