I've figured it all out! I have the answer! Follow me below the fold and hear my chattering monkeywisdom as I spell it all out and save the world... or, at least the Democratic part of it, which is the only part I want to keep breeding, anyway.
I've been depressed about this nomination process for weeks now. I've got some very old friends now hating my guts (possibly permanently) because they're Hillary cultists while I'm an Obama Cultist. I don't really love the guy, I just think he's the best choice between two political rats, but, I'm assured that's enough to make me a cultist! So... boom-shanka, would you like some flowers and some literature?
So, we're divided into two cults, battering each other. It's roughly 50/50, pretty evenly split (and that's the problem, ain't it? If we could've just shut one of these candidates down on Super Tuesday, we'd all be over it and unified by now). DailyKos has more Obamamaniacs, while other places are filled to the brim with Hillaryity. And it's all very, very contentious. Everyone's just gearing themselves up to hate-hate-hate their second-choice Democrat. With such an even, acrimonious split, every possible scenario has started to look like doom. DOOM! I say! Here are some of these scenarios, which you may look upon, and despair, and wring your hands over (pausing once in a while to scroll down)...
- Obama wins the nomination, then wins the election. The Hillaryites make him their new "George W. Bush" and rail against him with great anger for the next four years or more, constantly critiquing every move he makes and screaming "I didn't vote for that guy, and we wouldn't have all these problems if Hillary was running things! Everyone would have a PONY if Hillary had won!" And the divide just gets worse, and the Democratic party splits, and there's no more pudding, and it's the end of punk rock as we know it.
- Hillary wins the nomination, and the general election. The Obamamamas aren't happy with how she did it and they spend her entire term picking her apart, railing against her, and saying how much better things would have been if Obama hadn't been robbed. "Surely everyone would have had the power of flight by now if we weren't stuck with Clinton II!" The Democratic party splits, the trees and baby seals die, and the rivers turn to blood.
- Obama wins the nomination and McCain beats him. The Hillary-ous ones claim forevermore that McCain wouldn't have won if he'd faced Hillary, and they hold it against the Obamaramadingdongs for the rest of their (most assuredly miserable) lives. And the Democratic party splits, the poor have nothing to eat but old copies of The Limbaugh Letter, and we go to war with Iran, Burkina Fasa, and East Timor. And possibly West Timor, if there is one... my geography knowledge is limited to which states are red and blue.
- Hillary wins the nomination and McCain beats her in the general. The Obambams scream (righteously!) !"We told you, we fucking told you!" and blame the Hilaryahoos until Judgement Day (and, if there's anything to Huckabee's theories, possibly beyond!) The Democratic party splits, Ronald Reagan gets carved up on Mount Rushmore, and there's a Humvee in every driveway until we all die (and are thankful for the dyin').
It's looking like us Democrats are never going to be happy, even when we're winning, so... maybe we should lose.
That's why I'm endorsing Captain Underpants as a Democratic party write-in candidate.
Even if Captain Underpants gets the majority of the vote, he's a fictional guy. At least, to my knowledge. Therefore he'd be disqualified, and we'd default over to McCain. And McCain would very likely suck and suck mightly on the groinal teat of the great Goat of Mendes, and yet... the Democratic party would be united in one common hatred, rather than divided over which one of our nearly-identical-in-most-respects candidates is the greatest person/ biggest asshole. We can't actually vote for McCain 'cuz that would be sick sad and wrong, but, it behooves us to have him elected. Sure, he'll destroy the country, but our hands will be clean. We'll be able to say "Things would be better if Underpants were running things! Hell, even Hillary or Barak would have been better than this guy!"
And, best of all, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity will still be unhappy! (This part is what I call my "deal-maker"!)
Since - being such headstrong little peepees - we cannot, apparently, have one common champion, perhaps its best we go for one common enemy instead! Victory is scary and intimidating.
So... Underpants '08!