There are a sect of Christians and sects of every major religion called fundamentalists. These are people who believe every word in the Bible (or Quran or Torah) and believe that is the unedited, literal word of God. They say that if you don't follow or believe what the book says, you will go to hell and Satan will ass rape you with his pitch fork for eternity. They also believe that this author, this God, is all knowing, all loving and perfect. The funny thing is I would find it easier for people who don't read the Bible to believe that nonsense than the people who do read the Bible. Even if you read the first few verses of the Bible you will find errors and contradictions that an all knowing perfect God should have been able to at least fact check and submit to his editor.
Since there are people who believe that non-believers should be killed, that homosexuality is an abomination,that the Earth is as old as the Bible says it is and that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to Church every Sunday; here is how absurd the world would be if it was as it is written in the Bible:
The Earth would be flat and square, Columbus would be a heretic and would still be floating around in space and I would get mail on Columbus day. Matthew 4:8, Revelations 7:1, Isaiah 11:12
The Sun would Revolve around the Earth. Joshua 10:13
The Earth would therefore be stationary. 1 Chronicles 16:30, Psalms 104:5
The Earth would rest on pillars, not Atlas. 1 Samuel 2:10
The stars would be tiny lights that could be thrown around by dragons. And by the way, there would be dragons. Revelations 12:4, Revelations 6:13
Heaven would be a few hundred feet in the sky, when you got on an airplane, that would be heaven, sometimes heaven has bad food and crashes. Genesis 11:4-6
The tallest mountains would only be 20 feet (15 cubits) high. No one would care about Colorado. Genesis 7:20
There would be extra light all day and night long other than the Sun, Moon and stars. Genesis 1:3. (The Sun Moon and stars were created on the fourth day after he created light)
Days would have no basis of measurement or predictable lengths as they clearly don't need the Sun to determine what is a full day. Genesis 1:5
Mustard seeds would come from trees instead of plants and their seeds would be the smallest in the world and would hopefully taste better. Matthew 13:31
Rods could be turned into serpants by simply throwing them on the ground. Alice Cooper wouldn't seem as cool. Exodus 7:9-11
Whales would not be mammals, they would have gills and lay eggs. Jonah 1:17
Insects would have 4 legs instead of 6. Leviticus 11:20-21
Camels would not have split hooves, perhaps toes. We would have to come up with a new term to describe "camel toe". Leviticus 11:4, Deuteronomy 14:7
Bats would not be mammals, they would be birds and would lay eggs and poop on your car. Leviticus 11:20
Rabbits would chew their cud and have hooves. Leviticus 11:6
Snakes would talk and eat dirt. Genesis 3:1-14
Donkeys could speak but probably wouldn't eat dirt.. Numbers 22:28-30
Tornados would only kill wicked people not Bible belters in their trailer parks. Jeremiah 30:23
Sinners could make rivers go dry.You wouldn't want to mess with a sinner. Psalms 107:33-35
Sinners could also cause earth quakes just like the gays in San Francisco. Psalms 18:7, Isaiah 13:13
Demons would be the cause of diseases such as epilepsy. Matthew 12:22, Matthew 9:32, Mark 5
Doctors would however not be needed to cure such illnesses as all you would have to do is pray in order to cure an illness. James 5:14-15
The census described at the time of Jesus' birth would have been moved up 10 years earlier than what was described in Roman and Jewish historical texts. Luke 2:1
Evolution would have occurred or perhaps divine intervention from other gods, to create the other people of the world described by Genesis 4:15-18.
Giants would exist and you could have sex with angels to create more giants. This is the world I want to live in as Angels have tight booties. Genesis 6:1-4
Ethiopia would be in Mesopotamia, not Africa and it would share borders with Iraq, Kuwait, Turkey and perhaps Iran and Syria. We would therefore be screwing up Ethiopia right now. Genesis 2:13
It would be impossible for an uncircumcised man to step foot into Jerusalem, or at least get laid in Jerusalem. Isaiah 52:1
You could sell your daughters according to God. Exodus 12:7
You couldn't touch a woman on her period. Leviticus 15:19-24
You could have slaves. Southerners already tried this route. Leviticus 25:24
You could stone your children if they disrespected you...This was not an option. Deuteronomy 21:18-21
You would go to homosexual hell for eating shell fish as they are both abominations. The Bible doesn't describe levels of abomination so they are both just as evil as the other. Leviticus 11:10
Israel would have always been occupied by Jews and they would have always been at peace. Well, they were close on this one. 2 Samuel 7:10-11, 1 Chronicles 17:9-10
So my question to the fundamentalists is if all these things cannot be taken lieterally, can we take anything else the Bible says and apply it to literal interpretation? If so, why?