That's it. Having watched this campaign over the last year, I am ready to declare my candidacy for President in 2012. After all, I have the experience it takes to be the leader of the free world, and since none of it is on YouTube, nobody can come up with any embarrassing fact-checking to disqualify me.
I was born in a log cabin made from organically grown trees, none of which were chopped down to put a roof over our head. This was really unfortunate, because the roof would have come in handy. So I know what it is like to suffer from sniper fire from rabid squirrels made angry by my neighbor Mike Huckabee. I am a combat veteran, having tried to sign up for the Marine Corps, but taking the wrong form and ending up in the Peace Corps (and actually did come face to face with gun-toting criminals!). This makes me uniquely qualified to fight crime, having foiled their plan by running away and soiling myself.
I will be a leader you can be proud of. I personally cured the plague by speaking out against it, and I installed an S-Chip on my PC (stands for politically correct). I am against trade except when I am for it. My opponent is clearly for it except when he is against it. Big difference - just ask the Canadians! The rumors that I have been to a lot of countries that no longer exist, and in fact ceased to exist around the time I visited, such as Czechoslovakia, East Germany, the Soviet Union, are in fact true. I will leave it to you, dear reader, to make the logical conclusion that I ended Communism and won the Cold War. I had nothing to do with the Hot War, however, in Iraq. And those WMDs Saddam had are not buried in my back yard. Don't even bother looking. I double dare you!
So rest assured that after all of the divisiveness from this year, we will have learned a lesson and will nominate Citizen Clambake as Democratic nominee in 2012, a candidate we can trust to keep his word when he feels like it and only exaggerate when it benefits him. Qualified on Day One to be a better President than George W. Bush - and that's the truth!