My caucus was scheduled to take place in a church that was desanctified during the secular re-awakening of some local sect of mono-theists. So naturally I got there early.
It currently houses non-stop AA and Narc-Anon meetings around the clock, and also serves as a feeding station for hundreds of stray cats who come both for the free food put out in plates by old ladies, and for the thousands of arboreal rats who also depend on the cat food. They have bushy tails and are responsible for several outbreaks of bubonic plague in my neighborhood. It was a real zoo.
When I first got there I needed to use the bathroom and had to wait in line for ten minutes. When I finally got in, I realized it was actually the Republican caucus meeting. I voted for Romney and left.
Back at the caucus it was hard to say how many people were there. It was dark so I couldn't get an exact count, and the floor was literally crawling with stray cats, since the caucus took place at feeding time.
No one knew who was in charge at first, but a very large woman dressed in some kind of military uniform stood up and started telling everyone to line up, which they did.
Then she wanted everyone to line up according to height, shortest first, and while everyone was sorting themselves out, a man dressed like the Great Humongous began to argue that we shouldn't have to line up according to height. Someone said he looked more like Xerxes from '300' than the Great Humongous but then I noticed he was wearing a Biden for America T-shirt.
After that a woman got up and began yelling that Barack Obama was a Mooslim and would kill us all, when a little kid in a loincloth in the back threw a boomerang at her and literally clipped the top of her scalp off.
Then an older, distinguished looking man dragged her outside by her feet and chained her to a post. When I left she was urinating on passersby and screaming about FISA.
A man in a lab coat got up and stated that Obama was not only NOT a Mooslim, he was actually a Jew, a Hindu, AND a Christian and that he was also a new bicycle. I later realized it was Mike Gravel.
A woman who looked exactly like Kucinich's wife jumped up and tackled him to the ground then claimed he was having an epileptic fit. She then crammed a lead bar between his teeth and said "it was for his own good".
A guy in assless chaps gave an eloquent speech about farmers being crucified on a cross of gold and then someone else made a heart wrenching plea to just "Let America Be America, Please, people, just let America be America!" A lot people were in tear by then, so the meeting broke up.
When I got home I realized I live in Connecticut and so I'm not sure the caucus even counted, but at least I showed up and made my voice heard.
That's what America is all about. That and torture, I mean.
