I was recently given opportunity to sit down with Texas's very own indigenous species, the rare "Primacaucus." Mere hours before voting began I got a call saying that it would make itself available for a one-on-one interview. It would be an exclusive, but it had to be embargoed until after the March 4th results were calculated.
Not at all prepared and facing the daunting task of a once-in-a-lifetime interview, I did the best I could to get ready to meet the Primacaucus; a creature even Senator Clinton's campaign has admitted to being confused by. I too was unclear on even the basic questions. What is the Primacaucus? Whom does it favor? What makes it tick?
From the moment the interview began, I found its insight to provide a unique account of middle-America's electoral landscape. What follows is the unedited transcript of our talk in full. I hope this rare glimpse into the workings of our electoral process is as valuable to you as it was to me...
Interviewer: Now, Mr. Primacaucus... Just Primacaucus? Alright. Primacaucus, you have had a unique opportunity to meet both of the Democratic party's major candidates. Some might even say they even pandered to you. As your moment of decision becomes imminent, tell us; Whom will you pick? How will you decide?
Well, of course the Mike Gravelses is my brother, but family aside I likes the Obama. Long time, long time since Smeagol had hope. We shall help the Obama! The Obama is good!
NO!!! We wants the Hillary! Stupid, young Obama. Yes, Yes, she does what it takes to win. Only Hilary has the experience to lead on day one. I needs health care! Not covered! Not covered under Obama plan! Hillary... my precious
Intervier: Fascinating, truly fascinating, but if I may cut you off. What then do you see as your candidates greatest strength?
Obama can gets out the youth vote! So good, so inspiring. We will take him through the caucuses where it is safe. Come Obama come! We likes the 50 state strategy. Helps build the party, not like that wicked, wicked Mark Penn.
Obama's a thief! He's a thief, filthy big eared thief! Where are the delegates? Where are they? They stole them from us!! From my precious...
[The Primacaucus smiled] But the Obama cannot win in the primary states. Not the big ones! Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania!
Interviewer: You raise an interesting point. How do you plan to proceed from now, March 4th, to the nominating convention?
To get through the primary we shall bring the Obama into the lair of Starr and Hidalgo counties. The large Hispanic vote will take care of him there for us! Yes, yes...
NO! No, not the Obama! The Obama is good to us! The Obama is kind to the caucus!
...Things got pretty weird at this point. Apparently President Bush erected a giant firey-eye-lighthouse on his ranch? Oh yeah, and there were really short oddly dressed people running around everywhere; I think they were from Austin. Also, they changed the ending.
However, these moments with the Primacaucus will always stay with me. As it left, singing about fishes, I realized that I had witnessed, if only for a brief moment, the true spirit of American democracy.
UPDATED: Whoo I got rescued! Thank you rescue rangers, you are the eagles carrying me away from Mt. Doom!