On September 26, 2001, The Onion returned to publication for the first time since 9/11. Its feature point/counterpoint was entitled:
We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage
vs.
We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage
This is quite representative of the challenge we now face as we choose how to respond to Hillary Clinton's nuclear attack on Barack Obama and the Democratic party's 2008 presidential election campaign as a whole.
Remember how you felt on 9/11?
Angry? Confused? Sad? Vulnerable?
Remember how you wanted to go out and kill somebody?
Well, maybe you didn't quite feel that way. Let's look at how the Onion took on this position in We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage:
On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as it should be to all Americans, what our nation must do: Retaliate with blind, violent rage, striking back with a fury and vengeance the likes of which modern man has never seen.
We must launch every available missile at any nation in which the terrorists are rumored to be hiding. We must bomb every square inch of any country that may be harboring them. Then, when the thick, black smoke has finally cleared, we must bomb them all over again, reducing the rubble to its component atoms. If, in the midst of carpet-bombing a country, we find that it had no involvement in the Sept. 11 attack, so be it. Apologies can come later, but vengeance must be immediate.
After pummeling the holy living hell out of those fuckers with bombs, we should send in ground troops, armed to the teeth, to sweep through and exterminate anyone still alive who might have been involved. America's soldiers must be under orders to pump round after round into their bodies, pausing only to replace their clips. Only then will closure to this horrible event be possible. If we do not strike back fast and with as much military might as humanly possible, America will never be able to heal.
Well, looking back at it, that's pretty much what George W. Bush did. After hitting Afghanistan, he went after Iraq, which had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11. And the apologies? Forget that!
Well, that is exactly what we risk lashing back at Hillary Clinton without thinking. Remember the blowback? Remember the economic consequences? Remember the damage to our alliances worldwide? All these things have political allegories.
Let's look at how the Onion took on the counterpoint, We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage:
In this time of national tragedy, many people are letting their anger get the best of them. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that when you're dealing with a crisis, the worst thing you can do is let your emotions run wild. To react rashly will only exacerbate the problem in the long run.
Rather than be blinded by our collective anger, we must keep a cool head and, after careful consideration of the many complex social and geopolitical factors at work here, annihilate the pieces of shit who did this with measured, focused rage.
Precisely, we need to carefully consider the consequences of our statements and deeds, and only then get to work in removing this treasonous, self-serving, flip-flopping, war-mongering sorry excuse for a politician for our path in reforming Washington D.C. and restoring honor, justice, and cool-headedness to our country.