REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK:
Fred Thompson's New Campaign
An Exclusive Inside Look
by Wayne Von Dinkens
A new logo for the re-branded campaign. An earlier name, "Fred Thompson: Presidential Intent" was rejected.
Former Senator Fred Thompson of Tennessee stunned analysts as he formally re-entered the Republican presidential primary race with an announcement in Dover, Delaware this morning. However, the day started much earlier for the 88 year-old former star of Law & Order:
5:00 a.m. With his child-bride Jeri art directing, Thompson sat for new publicity shots at an Olan Mills photo studio. The studio, located in a nearby JC Penny's opened early after some high-powered arm twisting by the couple. "We're taking things into our own hands this time," Jeri mentioned as she primped and fussed with Thompson's attire. "We got rid of all the dead-weight advisors... people are finally going to get a chance to see the real Fred Johns... Thompson, Fred Thompson."
The real Fred Thompson seemed to have considerably more hair than the previous version. His sparse, close-cropped hair style had given way to a thick black mane with a blinding sheen. Asked if her husband was wearing a toupee or had recently underwent a hair transplant, the 17-year old Jeri said she hadn't noticed any change and claimed the difference was simply due to glare from the studio lights.
Sporting a new haircut, presidential candidate Fred Thompson announced a new edition of his campaign.
7:30 a.m. The breakfast room at the Dover Marriot was over half-full when the P.A. system suddenly blared the Mowtown hit "Get Ready" by the Temptations. A few bars into the song, Fred Thompson literally bolted into the room, waving to the startled patrons. He circled the room several times shaking hands until the music died down. "Hi, I'm Fred Thompson," he began, "I'm back in the race and this time I'm not stopping till Jeri and I are seated in the White House! Thank you! Remember to vote for me... Fred Thompson!"
Several analysts contacted for this story seemed shocked that a modern presidential campaign could be launched in such a casual and un-televised manner. "That's because they are stuck in 20th Century politics," countered Jeri. She theorized the announcement would shortly "go viral" and claimed Dover was chosen because it is the "crossroads of ideas." Fred Thompson chimed in, "That... and I had to file some paperwork for a corporation I own... thought we could kill two birds with one stone."
Asked how Thompson could possibly overcome John McCain's enormous delegate lead, he responded, "Nothing is settled yet. There is no telling how many delegates I would have if I hadn't dropped out. If necessary, we'll take this to the convention. Bring it on!"
11:30 a.m. Unfortunately for the campaign, the elder Thompson seemed to lose steam almost immediately. A hastily-arranged publicity event yielded indifferent results at best. Wandering into a nearby firehouse, Thompson introduced himself to a curious group of firefighters. The generally warm reception quickly cooled after Chief Mike Conrad offered to let Thompson climb into the ladder bucket. Thompson sighed, "Ehhhh... well I guess that's what's expected isn't it? Seems kind of pointless... don't know why we haven't privatized fire departments yet."
12:45 p.m. Things went worse an hour later as the candidate turned more dour. Appearing at a local middle school, Thompson was asked to present an award to a Girl Scout who had sold the most cookies in the county. While chatting with the 5th grader, Amanda Peterson, Thompson chided, "This isn't a very big state... seems like you could have done better than just win the county if you applied yourself. I don't think you're going to get very far in life if that's your idea of success." As the girl ran away crying, Thompson chuckled, "Ah, I was just kidding with her."
3:45 p.m. Perhaps the biggest gaffe of the day occurred at a hotel across town at the 2008 Flat Tax Seminar sponsored by the Capitol One and Chevron Oil. Seated on the panel, Thompson appeared to fall soundly asleep halfway through the event. Awaking an hour later, Thompson loudly yawned, looked around and mumbled, "this thing still goin' on?" He then stood up and shuffled off stage.
A hair malfunction may have been a factor that lead to the early termination of Fred Thompson's campaign about seven hours after it started.
4:15 p.m. After a loud argument with Jeri in the hotel's mens' room, Thompson emerged to address the press. "Ah... well, I think I'm gonna close this down for now... however, I am willing to accept a vice-presidential slot... or maybe a decent cabinet post, like Secretary of Defense... McCain can just give me a call... that's all for now."