H.L. Mencken once translated the Declaration of Independence into colloquial American. It's still fun to read. I now translate George W. Bush's 2004 Memorandum on the Humane Treatment of Al Qaeda and Taliban Detainees into colloquial American. If readers are so cruel as to point out that I am no Mencken, I can only answer that George W. Bush is no Jefferson.
MEMORANDUM TO THE VICE-PRESIDENT, SECRETARY OF STATE, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT FOR NATIONAL SECURITY AFFAIRS, JOINT CHIEFS, ETC.
SUBJECT: HUMANE TREATMENT OF EVIL FOLKS WHO SLAUGHTER AMERICANS BY CRASHING PLANES INTO WORLD TRADE CENTERS AND WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
- We have all kicked this Geneva Convention stuff around for a while. The Geneva Accords say no torturing, etc. etc. But now it's whole new ballgame, a horrible vicious stinking low down abomination of a ballgame--so low you can't hardly call it a game at all, there not being even any teams or uniforms. It's not so much a game as (if Condi will pardon me) a sick rabid rat fuck. And as we have been dragged into this sick rat fuck, we are going to make up some rat fuckery of our own. Fair's fair. Different game, different rules.
- You might ask: Says who? Says me. I am the President. The Accords may be full of big words that I don't understand, but if I don't understand, I got men on my staff who do, such as Al Gonzales, who have told me what to say. So here is the deal.
A. The Geneva Convention doesn't apply to Al Qaeda. My lawyers say so.
B. The Geneva Covention DOES apply, in a general kind of way, to Afghanistan. That don't mean squat, though. I can ignore it whenever I want, and I just might, so if I do, don't say I didn't warn you. I have to say all that; lawyers are putting all this in my mouth, and you know how lawyers are.
C. Getting down to specifics, i,e, prisoners, the lawyers tell me Geneva doesn't apply to either Al Qaeda or Taliban prisoners. So you can forget about that "humane" stuff with them.
- Now, don't go getting your drawers in a big twist about all this. Deep down we Americans are as kind and humane and decent and warm as an apple pie cooling on a Topeka window sill. That is why we signed the Geneva Convention. Being humane is deep in our bones as Americans. So even though Al Qaeda and Taliban don't have the right to be treated like human beings, we are going to treat them like human beings anyway, unless the military thinks its necessary to stomp some crotches, bust open some eyeballs, break some hands one finger at a time, put a set or two of balls in a vise, etc. You'll have to trust us on this. As I said, it's a new world out there and we have got to get up to speed. But we do it reluctantly, being Americans.
- Of course if any of our fighting men and women get captured, we expect them to be treated humanely, same as we treat people. Fair's fair.
- In a nutshell, I command the military to be humane and to obey the Geneva Accords unless they think it necessary to do otherwise. This rule is ironclad and I am not kidding about it.
- Condi will tell everybody about this so as to make certain everyone knows about these rules and can't complain about them, and so everybody knows we are playing a whole new game with rotten rat fuckers where there are no rules we have to obey at all, even though we love the old rules so much we will still obey them, if we feel like it. And I have put my signature below in big squiggles so there's no doubt who is boss, even though the lawyers told me what to say.
s/ GEORGE W. BUSH