The Clinton campaign has faced questions about Hillary's bona fides regarding guns and religion. These exclusive excerpts from the diary of Hillary Clinton, age 9, should put those questions to rest.
April 11, 1957
Dear God,
Had a great day today! After church, Pa took me out huntin' and I bagged a turkey, three whitetails, a coon and a badger. Pa even let me use the Winchester. He says I'm such a good shot that he'd buy me a new gun all my own if we was rich like them snobs what live in town.
Got to go say my prayers now and go to bed. Tomorrow's a big day at school. 'Night, God.
April 12, 1957
Dear God,
Another great day! This mornin' they tacked up the sign-up sheet for the big Trap Shootin' contest at the county fair. Mary-Anne and Florence got in trouble for trying to cut to the front of the line to look at it. The teacher scolded 'em somethin' fierce and said they couldn't sign up for the Trap Shoot or have no say in who gets picked to go from our school. Well, who cares? I was the only one to put my name on the sheet anyhows, on account of everyone knows I'm the most experienced shot and anyways it's my turn so I'll be the one to go from our school for sure. Can't wait til' August!
April 16, 1957
You will never believe what happened at school today, God. Bobby Joe Chiggleworth came up to me in the hall and offered to carry my books. Can you imagine? The most popular boy in school wantin' to carry my books? 'Course I didn't let him cause that would be wanton. I only let him carry my pencil.
April 20, 1957
Dear God,
Would you believe that little creep Bart O'Malley signed up for the Trap Shoot? Who does he think he is, anyway? He's a whole grade below me and his family ain't even from around here. The nerve on him! It's powerful vexin', I have to say.
Anyway, now we have to have a vote on who gets to enter from our school. 'Course I'll win but still. That stinky little carpetbagger ought to have the sense not to make everyone do that.
April 23, 1957
Dear God,
Today was awful, just awful. I was out huntin' with Pa and I was thinkin' about that stupid little Bart O'Malley and I thought I heard a quail behind me and I spun right around and unloaded with both barrels, only it weren't a quail, it was Pa and I shot him right in the face.
I thought I was in for the hidin' of my life, but after we got the bleedin' stopped, Pa said it was OK and that kind of thing happens all the time. He said he shot his Pa at least six or seven times, and it was only that last time what killed him. He sure is a good Pa.
April 26, 1957
Well God, Bart O'Malley ain't the only one with a lot of nerve. That 'ol Bobby Joe Chiggleworth was carrying that tramp Marla Lemon's books in the hall today, just as proud as you please. I tell you what, I really let him have it. If I didn't think he was for sure going to be class president someday, I wouldn't even talk to him anymore. And also I know you smile on those are forgivin', Lord, so I guess I'll let him keep on carryin' my pencil. But I'll be watchin' him.
And that ain't the only thing that happened today. Jimmy Dieks and Tommy Kelso got together and talked and decided they want Bart to be the trap shooter for our school. Well, I said, that ain't a proper vote, you two just gettin' together and talkin' about it, and it shouldn't count. That's just what I said. I made sure the teacher heard all about it too. I'm sure she'll strike them votes out on account of them being so unfair. Least she better.
April 28, 1957
Dear God,
Busy busy busy. Pa said now that I'm gonna be in the Trap Shoot, I got to get serious about guns. After afternoon prayers, he made me practice on the range til dark, and then I had to field strip everythin' and clean it before I could come in for supper and the evenin' Bible reading. I don't mind telling you, God, it sure does help you move faster when you know the Applethorpes down the road lost a calf to a cougar just last night. I thought I heard a growl off in the trees while I was finishin' up the rifle, but it might have just been my stomach.
May 6, 1957
Dear God,
Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I been busier'n a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Pa said I've learned everythin' I can about guns, so it's time to move on to 'other skills' - real mysterious-like. He wouldn't tell me what we was doin', he just took me out to the clearin' and made me run up and down, up and down, up and down, and he stood off to the side shoutin' and throwin' rocks at me. Well I got pretty good at dodgin' em by the end, but some of them that hit me surely did hurt! I didn't cry none though, cause Pa said pain is Your way of helping us survive.
I asked Pa if "serpentine!" was somethin' to do with Ol' Split-foot down below, but he just said I'd understand when I'm older.
May 10, 1957
Dear God,
I don't mean to be pert, but why did You make some of Your children so plumb mean?
That 'ol Sammy Houston came up to me in the hall today and knocked all the books out my hands, then he stole my lunch. I was really lookin' forward to that possum sandwich too, cause like Pa says, it always tastes better when you shot it and dressed it your own self. And that darn 'ol bully just up and stole it from me.
Well I was in a right state after that, but then Gordon Benson came up and asked me if it was OK if he went and gave Sammy a good talking-to. He said it kind of funny-like and waggled his eyebrows. He's kind of odd, Gordon is, but he's a good egg. I said sure.
May 11, 1957
Dear God,
Well Sammy Houston's in the hospital with three broken ribs, a broken nose, two black eyes and a bruised kidney. Even though he deserved it, I didn't think that oaf Gordon Benson was gonna beat the tar out of him like that. And then Gordon said I gave him permission first! "No I didn't," I said, "I just said it was OK to give him a talking-to." And then Gordon just laughed kind of nasty-like and went with Donny Chase to pull the wings off flies.
May 15, 1957
Dear God,
Feelin' pretty low today. A bunch of people at school are sayin' they might not vote for me for the Trap Shoot on account of they think I sicced Gordon on Sammy. Well, that ain't right and they can all go to the Hot Place as far as I'm concerned.
And you remember Mary-Anne and Florence? Well I know they want to vote for me for the Trap Shoot but the teacher says they can't on account of them tryin' to cut that day and I said well that ain't hardly fair and she said rules is rules, and anyway why didn't I speak up before now?
I have half a mind to try to get her fired by the school board.
May 17, 1957
Dear God,
Well it was a right mess at school today. Bobby Joe Chiggleworth and Ricky Maple worked out some big 'ol baseball card trade with that foreign exchange student Juan. Bobby Joe asked me if I thought it was a good trade and I said sure, only I didn't really, I was still mad at him for that Marla business. So after they did the trade I started saying what a bad deal it was cause I wanted to wind Bobby Joe up, only then that hen Ricky got all nervous and so I had to tell him I was only teasin', and then he went and told everybody I was a liar! What a blabbermouth.
May 21, 1957
Dear God,
I have my very own buckknife! Pa and I was doin' my lessons and he said I was so good with guns that he was afraid I would get complasin. Well I didn't know what he meant cause you know I stay away from sin like it was catchin', but I didn't have time to ask him cause he just handed me his old buckknife and left me standin' in the corral, and then he let in that half-starved cougar they caught the other day by the Applethorpes and locked the gate.
So long story short, he said I could keep the knife! The only bad part is, that cougar meat ain't half-gamey. Yuck. But it's a sin not to use every part of our kills, that's what Pa says, and you know how I feel about sin.
May 23, 1957
Dear God,
Thank you thank you thank you for answerin' my prayers! That goober Bart O'Malley shot his fat mouth off at school today, talkin' about how the reason some of the kids is so mean to Juan the exchange student is on account of they don't have much money and the world treated 'em mean and they don't have no one to help them and so now they're bitter and blahedy-blahedy-blah. He sures does like to hear himself yak. Anyway, he sounded right snooty and I reckon I'll get all the votes for the Trap Shoot now for sure.
August 6th, 1957
Dear God,
Well them bastards on the Fair Board wouldn't listen to reason neither. The good news is, once all the uproar died down and they got the fire put out, they disqualified our whole school, so that peckerwood Bart O'Malley didn't get to shoot neither and Jimmy Mason from the public school won. Suck on that, O'Malley.
I didn't get to see none of that, course, on account of being locked up here, but Bobby Joe Chiggleworth came by and told me. He also told me they got them two Fair Board members and my teacher to the hospital in time and they all are gonna be fine. I said I didn't give a shit.
Then Bobby Joe made some stupid joke about how I wouldn't ever shoot him, would I, and I told him I'd shoot a man just to watch him die. That sure shut him up quick.
I hope Pa gets here soon to bail me out. I got next year's Trap Shoot to get ready for.