The ABC Debate was not quite waterboarding, but torture nonetheless.
I don't know if you watched that sham of a debate on ABC yesterday. If you didn't give yourself a pat on the back. If you did then I'm sure you'll agree with me that it was real fucked up. Really, really fucked up. I don't mean "eh, that was kind of a wayward topic" or "that was an unnecessary question". I mean Fox News-type shit. It started with a stern dressing down of Obama over Rev. Wright (still?! I mean forget beating the dead horse. Give that fucker some sugar cubes) then it quickly morphed into "Is Wright a real American, a lover of the USA". Then "would you have sat in that church fair Hillary".
Turns out she wouldn't, but this party was just getting started. DJ Charlie Gibson then shifted seamlessly into that new hit that gets all the kids up on their feet. "Let's talk about bitterness..." And for the next half an hour the masses gyrated to the sounds of "Elitist Negro", they juked to the beats of "Down-Home Hill", and got hyphe to rhythms of "Cling to My Guns".
Exhausted from that heroic display of funk-induced verbal peppering, DJ Gibson fell back and MC Stephanrocthamic took the reins. After a quick flirtation with that oldie but goodie "Hill and the Bosnian Hills", Boy George launched into "Barack Osama aint no Patriot". A scathing little diddy that focuses on American flag lapel pins and Will.i.am Ayers of Weather Report fame...sorry that was Weather Underground, but if you aren't a relic then you might not know about that.
DJ Gibson, not to be outdone, dropped a bass-heavy banger and let the crowd marinate on the implications before diving headfirst into that question on the tip of every American's tongue..."are you gonna raise my capital gains tax?" This seemed personal to Charlie. He hit that stage with passion, grim-determination to pin these liberals down. "Stop picking on the wee folk, you dirty fucking hippies! Do you know what it's like to have to choose between electricity and a diversified stock portfolio? What it's like to have to choose between bread and water for the chillun' and that hedge fund? Do you realize what it's like to make only $200,000? Oh! The horror!"
At this point my vision started to go blurry and my balance started to get shaky. Like any good party, I woke up passed out in a pool of vomit shortly after it ended. But from what people tell me it was an epic one nonetheless.