Or the goose bumps running up and down your arms. It's that ache in your throat as it tightens and tears are held at bay. It's the irrepressible urge to stand, to cheer, sometimes in the privacy of your own living room, all alone with no one to witness or wonder what all the clapping and cheering are for, serving only to garner a sleeply and curious sideways look from your canine or feline friend. It's the grateful recognition of like-feeling, eloquently spoken, expressed from one human to another.
Or...
It's that sinking, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. It's that hard, painful thump of your heart that brings you suddenly to full STOP. It's the icy feeling up and down your spine, a creeping dread. Or it's the rise in blood pressure, as temper flairs and your own visceral reaction stuns even yourself leaving you to wonder about the health and wholeness of your own being.
To engage, or not to engage? To be invested or not to invest? Should we approach the world around us in a purely cerebral way, devoid of feeling? Is there safety in ambivalence? Yes, I think there may be, for certainly politics would be easier if it could only be viewed as something of a passing curiosity, a troupe of players, hamming it up on stage before us. How much easier it might be if all we had to was sit in the dark and wait for the final curtain to come down....
Lately I've been having an argument with myself. I came to Daily Kos to learn. To educate my uneducated self. As I have said before in diaries, there is no college degree here, only a high school diploma. But I love books, and I love learning. I have a vested interest in my country and what happens to it for I am a proud mother of two grown sons and four beautiful grandchildren, and recognizing the continuity and joy of life in that fact, much realize the necessity and fierce urgency of now. I am 49 years old and in November will reach the milestone of 50 and life experience, if not higher education, has taught me that it matters what we do. Here. Now. It is with gratitude that I would now like to thank all the members of Daily Kos! They have given me knowledge of all things politic, laughter, and certainly tears. (We dems do love our animals, yes?!) Thank you all for the gift of your words, minds and hearts. This reader and sometimes writer feels she is a richer person for it! And now... onto the argument.
It seems that, try though I may, it just cannot be all cerebral with me when it comes to politics. I know, I know. We are supposed to be a reality based community. Facts are to be verified. Checked and double checked, linked. And, of course that is a good thing for I've no wish to be a person of willful ignorance, basing everything I do or say or think based on what some pundit or radio personality has manipulated me into. I am not too lazy to seek answers for myself. For that matter, I do not think anyone who comes here would fit into that mold. But still, there is feeling itself, gathered through years of observation of those in public life. Are not we allowed to judge based on actions, attitudes, and facts? Can we not in a sense, get to know, or at least feel we know, that person that most of us will only ever meet through our television screens? It's often said that the person that we elect for our president is the person that we will all be inviting into our living rooms for the next four years. Just how much, citizens, are we allowed to presume?
Here comes the hard part...
I do not like Hillary Clinton. I swear I tried, I really did. And seeing that I could not like her, at least tried to respect her, and now I know, and have known that not even that is possible. We have all had our tipping points, as I have seen in so many comments and diaries (thank you all) and my own personal one was the "As far as I know" comment. I am probably going to botch this badly, but my concern (oh crap, there's a word) is about woman who do support her.
You will not find whatever vindication you seek in Hillary Clinton. Young, old, rich, poor, fiery feminist, or fem fatale, the answers do not lie with her. Each and every one of us, male or female have had trials in our lives. Whatever catalyst or cataclysm we may have faced in our lives, have molded us into the persons that we are, be it a glass ceiling in the work-place or an abusive spouse, the answer is not with her. You may say to me now "Go away! You presume too much and it's none of your damn business anyway! Absolutely, you may say that! But ladies, friends, sisters, mothers, in all our lives there comes a time in that we must lay claim to and take responsiblity for who and what we are! And I can make you another presumptious promise on that one. Do that. Accept yourself, flaws, faults and all. Know that you are worth loving, for who and what you are. Like any human soul, at the end of the day, the questions we put to ourselves should always be "Did I do my best?" "Have I loved and cared for those around me?" Have I given something to someone today, even if it was only a smile?" Your peace lies within. Seek it there! Life is just too short to do otherwise.