For those who suffer from PTSD, the following will probably sound familiar. For their spouses and families, I hope it brings a little understanding for some of the self-destructive and before now unexplained acts they may have seen from their veteran loved one.
The "claim" process to receive treatment and compensation from the VA for PTSD involves many months and MANY pages of documentation. Like most dealings with bureaucracy, it is demeaning and complex. A cynic might think it was put in place to prevent anyone from following through on a claim.
Suicide rates among Vietnam veterans, veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq and others who suffer from PTSD are at all time highs. It's time for the government to find some compassion and understanding for the horror of this affliction. It's time for the VA to honor those who have served with diagnosis and treatment instead of endless red tape.
What follows is a brief excerpt from my "Statement In Support Of Claim" which will accompany many "Stressful Incidents" documents which must be dated and validated with names of witnesses, names of those killed or wounded in the incident, location and other details.
(The "stressful" incidents noted on the enclosed documents are only part of the reason I now realize that PTSD changed my life and caused me to be the person I became. Events of the past few years brought memories flooding back and the dreams returned. As I watched our troops in Afghanistan and Iraq going through another pointless, political bloodbath for the enrichment of arrogant, incompetent leadership, I became more and more angry.
Finally, I sought help and began to understand that there were others who were going through the same thing. The more I learned about PTSD and its horrible consequences, the more angry I became. The isolation I’d felt all my adult life, the detachment from humanity, the "escape" of alcohol, the "death wish" which has haunted me; all suddenly had a basis in reality. I was not alone!
Sirens in the night have always awakened me with that knot in my belly like the ones which screamed at the hospital firehouse every time mortars or rockets rained on MAG 16. Loud, sudden noises cause me to instantly tense up and go into my "fight or flight" mode. Only a few months ago I was walking through a Walmart store and one of the stock people dropped a pallet behind me. I crouched and jerked around ready to defend myself. The feeling in my belly is something only another veteran can understand. But it has been there every time a loud, crashing noise has surprised me since I returned from Vietnam.
Trying to get past the feelings of helplessness and weakness have been my motivation for seeking help from the veteran centers in Indiana and Illinois. I want to get help. But nothing seems to help. I’m tired of being alone even when I’m with people who love me. I have hurt my family and everyone who has loved me because, in some strange way, it is my defense mechanism which tells me: "don’t become attached."
Unless the person who is reading this KNOWS PTSD and what it does to a person, they can’t possibly understand the helplessness and desperation I feel. I hope there is HOPE because I’ve run out of strength and endurance to keep hiding behind these walls I’ve built in my mind. I hope our government’s representatives and the people of the VA realize what’s in our country’s future. Most of us did one tour in Vietnam. These vets today suffer three, four and five tours in Iraq. Not only that but we had days or weeks of relative safety with nights of terror. These vets have CONSTANT fear. There is never a minute of their tour that they don’t have to worry about the guy walking next to them detonating a bomb or the car on the street blowing up. The horror of PTSD is going to haunt this country for decades... generations.
I was a corpsman because I wanted to help others. Most corpsmen I knew were compassionate and non-violent people. The few I have talked to who I knew during Corps School are changed as I am. (name deleted from blog), who was in my company there is a completely different person than the gentle, fun-loving human being I knew.
We are all changed forever. My life is gone. It’s too late to change what I’ve been and done. This is my cry for help.)
If you are a Vietnam veteran or a veteran of the current conflicts and you are holding back on seeking help, PLEASE listen to one who knows...
Don't build the walls in your mind that keep love, emotion and trust from entering.
Get to a Vet Center. There are people who CARE in every urban area of this country and many small towns. I promise there is someone who will listen and help you find the counseling and treatment you need. Don't let the feelings of helplessness, isolation or the unfounded belief that there is some kind of "weakness" which causes these feelings and thoughts to haunt you. You are NOT alone!