In the spirit of HBO's Recount, here is a press release for a different, more conservative docu-drama...
Ladies and gentlemen, there will be no revolution.
All revolutionary activities have been canceled.
The rights to the revolution have been bought, and instead of the revolution, you will be shown a television movie-of-the-week of the revolution on ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and Spike TV, with the following changes our focus groups have responded well to:
- Your new oppressors are poor brown people in foreign countries. Trust us, this works in the movie, because we say it no less than three thousand times.
- Your new revolutionaries are privileged white people who are down with Jesus big time - but in a hip, Joan of Arcadia kind of way.
- The revolutionaries will be played by James Van Der Beek, Tara Reid, Ashton Kutcher, and Lindsay Lohan.
- Soundtrack for the revolution will include K-Fed, Justin Timberlake, Coldplay, Jewel, John Mayer featuring Snoop Dogg, and a brand new song by the animated corpses of The Rolling Stones! (The new, Mixed Emotions 'Stones, not the Paint It Black 'Stones)
- The Hurricane Katrina and World Trade Center victims did not test well, and were replaced with a subplot involving a sweetly retarded Wal-Mart employee named Teddy who tries to "make it on his own." In an Emmy sure-shot tour de force, he is played by Jake Busey. His love interest, who falls for him in Bible study, is played by Winona Ryder.
- The revolution will be sponsored by Pepsi, Coors, Apple Ipod, New Zesty Cool-Nacho-Ranch-Taco-Smokehouse Doritos, NASCAR, and The Gap. (Keep a sharp eye out for a cameo by Audrey Hepburn!)
- John McCain will at last be played by Mel Gibson, after the studio agreed to keep away any "big-nosed Jews". McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter did not test well, and was replaced with a talking flag.
- The scene involving former President Clinton will remain. The events were drawn directly from State Department official documents, which mention his name. All other facts have been "rendered" for narrative flow. For the sake of the children, however, we would ask all parents to cover their children's eyes and ears immediately following the Clinton line, "This cigar is laced with coke, baby." This is not a reference to Coca-Cola. Pepsi wouldn't allow it.
- All references to the current administration have been removed per their request. They will instead be mentioned once, in a 37 second exposition, as "well-intended, but had their hands tied by the failures of their predecessors."
- A flag lapel pin was digitally added to Senator Barack Obama's jungle animal skins in the scene where he burns down a Christian church with his fellow "Islamofascists" and goes on to romance white women with Harold Ford, Jr.
- Sparky, the beagle who plays "Sam The Watchdog", was not harmed in the scene where he alerts the border-patrolling Minutemen to the wave of illegal immigrants on their way. Two extras, however, received minor burns from bullet-wound mimicking squibs in the ensuing "extreme justice" firefight.
- Hillary Clinton will be played by Joan Allen, except for the broadcasts in Florida and Michigan, where she will be played by Anne Coulter.
- The rumored cameo by Rush Limbaugh as "Man Number Two" in the scene about campus recruitment by terrorist sympathizing homosexuals is untrue. "Man Number Two", who saves "Richard" (Ashton Kutcher) from gay predation is played by Kirk Cameron.
- Despite many comparisons to the Oompa-Loompas, the song and dance number by those polar bears from The Golden Compass will remain. The now-endangered bears' anthropomorphic can-do attitude and teamwork while drilling for oil in ANWAR were loved by focus groups.
- Viewers will have a chance to interact! That's right! In the final scene, call 1-900-FREEDOM to vote on whether "Richard" (Kutcher) and "Stacey" (Lohan) tie the knot in defiance of the liberal Man-On-Man-Or-Dog-Only Marriage Act. Does love conquer all? We report, you decide!
Please enjoy responsibly. We welcome you to choose which 20-minute intermission broadcast you wish to see: WWE Raw vs. Smackdown! preview (Spike TV), a special live performance by Toby Keith (ABC), an infomercial for Cialis with Bob Dole and Wilford Brimley (CBS), and the public execution of Noam Chomsky (NBC, FOX). Chomsky's death rattle will be judged by American Idol celebs Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson (II), and Paula Abdul.