Ted Strickland. You little douche, standing behind Clinton nodding solemnly along to her "Shame on You, Barack Obama!" tirade. That one image prevents you from being VP already, but you need to come out with a statement along the lines of "Holy shit, I'm a a douche and please find it in your hearts to forgive me my douchebaggery."
Dan Abrams. You impossible lightweight of a simpering twit. With your "Oof! Zowie!" Batman graphics and surreal self-praise for your tireless honest-keeping of "Teh Inside DC Medias" you need to publicly acknowledge that you have zero feel for why Obama's supporters think it would be an outright danger for Hillary Clinton to be placed on the ticket. By the way, I cannot get enough of Roy Sekoff's split-screen reactions to the living testament to absurdity that is Dan Abrams. Roy, please continue openly laughing in Dan's face about Dan. Remember everybody, Dan Abrams got through one of his absurdly self-congratulatory tirades about Teh Medias and Roy asked him, on air, ok, so why do you refuse to cover the story about your complicity in the Pentagon Propaganda scandal? And Dan stammered and begged to have a discussion "off-camera" about that. And later in the very same show, gave his "Biggest Loser" award to Paula Abdul, because she miscounted the number of songs on a celebrity song show or something. I shit you not. Dan, you are a total goddamn disgrace and not even your Rove-Siegelman story, which is half useful and half giving your ownself a blowjob for your greatness, spares you from the total contempt for your simperingness that you deserve.
Sean Wilentz. You are a sickeningly terrible failure. In fact, I already scratch you off, nobody gives a shit about your printed evil screeds about Obama being the one who played the race card and the one yesterday about him undermining the Democratic Party. You're just a shitbag.
Howard Wolfson. What the fuck is wrong with you, man? It goes without saying that Terry McAuliffe, Lanny Davis, Ann Lewis and Mark Penn should be bundled up and launched into the sun, but you seem to have some vague and dirty awareness that your job is fraudulent. People seem to speak to you as if they are aware there is some humanity in there somewhere. If you came out tomorrow and said, "Fuck it, I cannot do this anymore," people would probably give you some benefit of the doubt. You cannot get to work in politics anymore, but there is some task you could set yourself about for 30 years or so to gain redemption for your work this campaign season. Think about it, Howard.
Ed Rendell. Ye gods, man. I know you know you fucked up. Say so and get it over with.
Gloria Steinem. You propped up this golem's candidacy with your endlessly emailed column from January whining that sexism was measurably worse than racism. It was a total fucking embarrassment, that column. Could you have possibly hitched your decades-built-up advocacy to a less deserving wagon? Could you have assassinated yourself in the foot more? Contrary to the toxic lies being peddled by many Clinton supporters, the overwhelming majority of Obama supporters love and respect women (and many many many are women), and want to see the day when things like equal pay for equal work are the standard in this society. I got some news for you, Gloria. You better wake the fuck up and apologize for that bullshit you slung, because it's a bad thing when you are immediately dismissable in the eyes of many would-be allies. And right now, you are dismissable.
Rudy, er, Sean Astin. You fucking foof.
Valerie Plame. My God. You, of all people, should understand what it means to have the realistic threat of violence against you exploited for political gain. Your total disappointment of a husband can go fuck himself for his willful sliming of Obama and leveraging the reservoir of sympathy in Democratic ranks to do so, but surely you have some shred of decency. If you do, speak up. If not, wow. Just wow.
Elton John. Listen, dude. "Bennie and the Jets" and "Crocodile Rock" are two of the three most excruciatingly horrible plagues ever inflicted upon the ears of mankind (Bob Seger: "Kathmandu"). So you have already caused great trauma to the world that you still need to work off, but you had the gall to suggest sexism was the reason America hates the everloving shit out of Hillary Clinton. Here's an idea. Compose a song about what a ridiculous person you are called "Can't You Feel Why I'm a Moron Tonight" or "Sometimes Shutting My Stupid Piehole is All I Need, Baby" or some such, and we'll call it even.
Chelsea Clinton. Wanna be President, Chelsea? I have a brilliant, ruthlessly Clintonian idea for you. Can you guess it? Hint: it would be a classic WWE storyline.
Magic Johnson. You asshole.
Harold Ford, Jr. You have zero feel for the mood of the land. You have been nearly a one-man "this would be a great ticket" caucus, and now it's you and your moron friend Dianne Feinstein. Picking you as the head of the DLC, whose mission statement is "We dedicate ourselves to pushing the most utterly tone-deaf policy ideas," was a perfect selection. You need to come out and say that what Hillary Clinton said was unacceptable, call yourself out on pushing the VP idea, retire from politics, and go on a meditation retreat for about 5 years so you can develop some awareness.
Armando. Strike one on your first attempt, taking a shot at Obama supporters for even this. Contempt for your dishonest brokerage and intellectual midgetry doesn't even begin to cover it, broseph. The Emperor never had any clothes where you're concerned. You were always a bully, a fraudulently bad person who'd Stockholmed people into the cause of your aggressive defense for your indefensible shit. You know what, fuck it. Strike you out.
Richard Dreyfus. I don't even know which candidate you support, but I saw you on Bill Maher one time a couple years ago, and you commandeered the show to give the singlemost pious, self-righteous, self-satisfied, droning, preening lecture on civics I have ever heard. You are excruciating.
Stephanie Tubbs-Jones. You have about 48 hours to save your political career.
Barney Frank. Because I know you know better, and I know you know what those comments mean in Massachusetts, and I know that nobody is a more aggressively belittling asshole than you when you feel that someone is morally tied to an indefensible position (with the possible exception of me). You let people have it, often in incredibly personal and unfair ways that, incredibly, sometimes evokes actual sympathy for the target of your belittling. So you have no excuse not to step forward here.
Maya Angelou. What the fuck?
Female voters over 50 who support Hillary Clinton. This is what you want to see? Are you determined, at any cost, to project every dream and every slight onto this woman's candidacy? Are you that immature? Have you not seen enough of American history, all of you being old enough to remember MLK and RFK in 1968, to finally, at long last, be shocked back into the realm of decency? Is there no low moral bar you are not willing to limbo under in order to get this prize? Can you not see the irony in this candidacy's context with the self-comforting "if women ran the world, everything would be better" mantra? Can you not open your eyes to the core heart of Barack Obama's appeal, "I am my brother's keeper, I am my sister's keeper?" Can you not see that this is THE progressive answer to Reagan's "Government is not the solution to our problems, government IS the problem" core philosophy that has shat out decades of Republican thugs who have nearly destroyed this country? Do you not want that new progressive era for yourselves and your daughters? Are you so small, so shallow, that you will believe every spoon-fed rationalization, justification and excuse from Hillary Clinton? So angry that you are blinded into blaming every other person, for all things, always, than your beloved candidate who has never truly accepted responsibility for any fuckup she has ever committed? A woman whose single core principle is removing any obstacle to whatever it is separating her from what she wants... that's your banner-holder? Do you not see the lunacy in this? Are you out of your fucking minds? It's on you, now. After she repeatedly, deliberately, openly ruminated precisely about assassination as "you know, I'd like to remind you there are still ways for me to win," I don't hold her responsible. I believe she was born with something missing, just like 5 year olds who strangle their newborn siblings in their crib because it's removing an obstacle to getting the attention they were used to. Or like Gollum, entranced and corrupted by the One Ring. The correct stance for such a monster is pity, but stern removal from the field of play. No, I don't hold her responsible. I hold you, her supporters, responsible. You fueled this shit in your blindness. You've excused everything, looked for scapegoats, refused to look inward and take responsibility right along with your Beloved. You aren't noble victims championing your champion. You're wrong and toxic and you need to stop and you need to speak the fuck up, now.
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