The following is the statement given by Ari "Americans Better Watch What They Say" Fleischer in reaction to the "controversial" new book by Scott McClellan ("controversial" means it says things we all already knew about Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rice, et al., being a pack of criminals and con artists).
Fleischer, McClellan’s predecessor as White House Press Secretary, set a new standard for loathsome mealy-mouthed subterfuge and dissembling masquerading as complete sentences in the English language. McClellan would always have to stand in the shadow of such rank deception, especially since Fleischer seemed to enjoy himself while doing his job. McClellan, on the other hand, always appeared miserable at the press conferences, a big moony face with watery eyes wishing everybody in the room didn’t hate him so much. Why can’t they be nice to me, mommy?
Always writ large on his face (go back to the videotape) was the sense that he knew he was spouting lies and yet he loved being so close to George W. Bush and...who? Jeff Gannon?
You decide:
Ari: There is something about this book that just doesn’t make any sense.
[OF COURSE NOT, ARI, BECAUSE IT’S BASED ON UNDENIABLE FACTS, THUS YOU WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE IT]
Ari: For 2 ½ years Scott and I worked shoulder to shoulder at the White House. Scott was my always reliable, solid deputy.
[EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME WHEN YOU ORDERED HIM TO EXTRACT THE PRETZEL FROM THE PRESIDENT’S THROAT AFTER HE HAD PASSED OUT FROM THE 12-PACK OF ROLLING ROCK.]
Ari: Not once did Scott approach me – privately or publicly - to discuss any misgivings he had about the war in Iraq or the manner in which the White House made the case for war.
[AS IF IT WOULD HAVE HAD ANY EFFECT ON ANYTHING WHATSOEVER, YOU VICIOUS CREEP. WHAT A RIDICULOUS THING TO SAY!]
Ari: Scott himself repeatedly made the case for the war from the podium and even after he left the White House [IT’S CALLED THE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME...IT TAKES YEARS TO DEPROGRAM A CULT MEMBER], I remember watching him on Bill Maher’s show – about one year ago - making the case for the war.
[OR PERHAPS IT WAS A RERUN OF ONE OF YOUR APPEARANCES, ARI, BETTER GO BACK AND CHECK THE TV LISTINGS...I WILL BET THE MORTGAGE IT WASN’T "ABOUT A YEAR AGO" IF IT EVEN OCCURRED AT ALL. LYING AGAIN, ARI, LYING AGAIN]
Ari: If Scott had such deep misgivings, he should not have accepted the press secretary position as a matter of principle.
[WAH, WAH, WAH...HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ANYONE ANYWHERE IN DC RESIGN A PROMOTION "ON PRINCIPLE". THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A FIRST IN AMERICAN HISTORY].
Ari: This book changed a lot from the way Scott first described it to me. [OH, SO YOU DID KNOW ABOUT THIS...YOU LYING SCUM, YOU DID KNOW ABOUT THIS BOOK WELL IN ADVANCE!]
Ari: Many of the passages in it don’t sound like Scott.
[ARI, WRITING IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN SPEAKING, BUT THEN WHEN A PERSON HAS ONLY READ BOOKS BY BILL O’REILLY AND ANN COULTER, IT’S UNDERSTANDABLE HOW THAT MISPERCEPTION MIGHT OCCUR]
Ari: He told me yesterday that as the publication deadline approached, his editor "tweaked some things closely in the last couple months".
[THE ONLY TWEAKING BEING DONE, ARI, WAS IN THE CONSTRICTION OF YOUR UNDERGARMENTS AT THE THOUGHT OF THE TRUTH COMING OUT ABOUT THE CRIMINALITY OF YOUR WHITE HOUSE YEARS].
Ari: Nevertheless, it is Scott’s book and I want to hear his explanation for why he has had such a dramatic change in his point of view.
[IT’S CALLED A CONSCIENCE, ARI, BUT YOU WILL NEVER POSSESS ONE BECAUSE, WELL, YOU’RE A PERMANENT WANKER]
Ari: As press secretary, I repeatedly relied on Scott and have nothing but good memories about our work together in the White House.
[GOOD MEMORIES ABOUT TAKING THE NATION TO WAR UNDER FALSE PRETENSES?! GOOD MEMORIES ABOUT WHAT, FOR THE REST OF AMERICA, HAS BEEN A WAKING NIGHTMARE?! YOU ARE MUCH SICKER THAN I WOULD HAVE GUESSED].
Ari: I disagree with Scott’s assessments, and am heartbroken that Scott feels this way about his time at the White House.
[MOSTLY, YOU’RE "HEARTBROKEN" THAT YOUR MAN-CRUSH ON BUSH HAS BEEN SPLATTERED WITH THE BLOOD OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS AND IRAQI CHILDREN].