I'd like to approach the "Big Orange Satan" with a confession.
I have a spidey sense.
Made famous by the web-enabled super-demon Spider-Man, a spidey sense is a delightful tingling that occurs in your cranium that alerts you when something goes ary. Oddly enough, my spidey senses can never tell me when I'm going to meet the woman of my nightmares, fall prey to a predatory lender or tell me that I'm about to get mugged. I've come to learn the blessing of detecting trouble can only be applied to rogue Supreme Court rulings. Yeah, I'm not really amped about that either.
As of late, friends and family have become concerned for the direction of our country solely because I've been giggling like a schoolgirl at pretty inappropriate moments (namely funerals, board meetings and threesome that didn't end well).
Can you imagine how hard I squeeled this morning when The Supreme Court lifted the handgun ban? If laughing burns calories, I'm treating myself to Hometown Buffet later. In the all too common tally of 5-4, The Supreme Court ruled that the constitution does not allow "the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home." This ruling directly relates to the handgun ban in Washington D.C., which needs more handguns like Liza Minelli needs more Prozac.
I had aspirations to transfer to a prestigious University in our nation's capital with the intent on being in the running for America's Next Top Role Model. I have no plans to curb those aspirations, but I can only hope my acceptance letter comes with a kevlar vest and a grenade.
But who am I kidding, I'm not really bummed out by this ruling at all! Even though I'm about as godless as a liberal can come, I can't help but feel weak in the presence of a fully automatic rifle. I wouldn't call myself a "gun lover", but I had a poster of Linda Hamilton pumping a sawed off shotgun in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Once I land at Dulles, I plan on letting off a few warning shots as I pick up my rental car just to let Washington D.C. know that I HAVE ARRIVED!
I'm looking forward to protecting myself with the finest Dirty Harry replica handguns as I will exercise Scalia given right to bear a handgun in my home. Of course, I realize that I am twenty-two times more likely to injure myself or someone I love with a firearm and only a small percentage of the nation's firearm murders occur in the home. Those are merely numbers. That's not going to stop me from letting "Freedom" ring.
Yes, I plan on naming my gun "Freedom".