Ed. Note: I wrote this last night only to see someone had already published a 'Welcome to Austin' diary when I got around to publishing mine today, which just proves:
a. It's not good to be a slacker
b. I am a slacker
c. Austin is home to slackers
d. I am therefore more Austintacious than the aforementioned diarist (who has some great and actually useful info, btw)
On that note...
Sure, you've seen Slacker twelve times, you've played the bongos naked with Matthew McConaughey and you've burned a joint with the Dell Dude, but as a native Austinite (legally defined as a resident of the city for six or more years) I wanted to give a great big 'Howdy, Y'all' to everyone headed our way and offer a few insider tips on how to fully enjoy your stay in the Live Music (and Dead Turn Signal) Capital of the World.
First off, anyone who says 'Howdy, Y'all' is a fake cowboy on the order of Big John Cornyn. And that other guy. No, not him. Him. Everyone knows the real cowboys have sold their cattle and are leasing their pastures to build wind farms.
If you are planning on driving in Austin, fuck it.
To the uninformed visitor it may seem that the average Austinite considers him or herself to be your superior. Do not be alarmed: it appears this way only because it is true. With all due respect, it is easy to be a progressive in San Francisco, New York, Chicago, etc. We have managed to do so--and create a fun, enviro-friendly, hip town--all while surrounded for hundreds of miles in every direction by a state home to the biggest collection of lunatic fringe right wingers this side of Nuremburg.
Screw San Antonio, Austin is the real Alamo, a lonely blue fort encircled by a relentless horde of evil red zombies with names like Bush and Bush and Rove and Perry and Cornyn and Hutchinson and Phil 'Shut Up Whiney Bee-yatches' Gramm and...jeebus, don't make me write it...Tom the Cockroach Pederast DeLay. Bunker mentality, anyone? Texas is the Pacific Ocean and we are Tom Hanks and/or Wilson.
Consider this: In a neighboring county one shitty GOPer State Rep who had about ten feet of Austin's new toll loop (toll roads not being our idea, 'natch) in his district blocked a bill that would have named it after the Coolest MF'er on the Planet, Willie Nelson because the bumpkin McCarthy 'Didn't cotton to his librul views' or some other happy horseshit. Our tiny island of sanity watched in horror as the rest of the state chose Little Georgie Dumbfuck over the wonderful Ann Richards. Austin introduced the world to Molly Ivins, Texas belched out John Hagee and Enron in return. Austin and the Hill Country gave birth to the populist movement of the late 1800s and Texas neocons may just yet kill the planet, so please excuse the mild superiority complex, which in truth is GOPTSD in disguise.
What else, you ask? Well, it is hot here. No, really. Unless you frequent the solar corona be prepared to give your best friend the Winston Smith/Room 101 treatment in exchange for a few minutes in front of the AC at the bar.
If you see people arriving via hot air balloon or hand-dug tunnel, do not be alarmed--they are the lucky ones who escaped Plano, Katy, Helotes, and a million other suburbs around the state. I personally escaped Houston by pole-vaulting over the wall when I was 18. We make room for these political asylum seekers as long as they do not have designs on the last undeveloped half-acre in downtown or a great new idea for a website.
In fact, please help yourself to one of the new loft towers springing up downtown like cow patties after Clam and ExLax night at the McCain Senior Center. I know that metaphor makes no sense, or that grammatically it is actually a similie, but screw you, I am Keeping Austin Weird as mandated by City Ordinance, one that also requires every man, woman, and child from Kyle to Round Rock to prominently display that logo on a bumper sticker, t-shirt, or genital tattoo.
There is not a jury in the city--hell, there isn't a three person arbitration board in Travis County--who would convict on any crime short of Premeditated Homicide with a Crack-Addled Steer perpetrated against a land developer. Game on!
If you are planning on walking between events while in Austin, you fucked up.
If the town doesn’t hand over the keys to the city (actually a magnetic card nowadays) to our distinguished visitors here for Netroots please don’t feel insulted, but you can’t fart in the shower without running into an event, parade, celebration, or other observance in Austin. Just off the top of my head, here are a few we have every year: SXSW, Texas Film Festival, ACL, Spamarama, Eyeore’s Birthday, Marley Fest, Reggae Fest, the ROT (IIRC, if not the HOT) Motorcycle Rally, a massive Halloween party, six or more Longhorn home games...I know I am missing a bunch, but yes, you are special. Really.
If you are planning on taking public transportation in Austin, you are fucked.
Our Mayor whaled on a guy recently, so watch yourself. Don't even think about messing with the Stevie statue on Lady Bird Lake. (The Jeff Davis statue on campus is fair game, however.) You will see Mayor Wynn at night living it up around the 6th Street Warehouse District (conveniently located eight blocks away from anything remotely resembling a warehouse). He'll be the one amidst three or more lovely blondes. To save you the embarrassment, no, they are not his nieces.
Sixth Street east of Congress is where the college kids drink. Sixth Street west of Congress is where the elderly (i.e. of legal age) drink. Sixth and Congress is where everyone tries to shack up with everyone else after the bars close. Don't worry if you wander into enemy territory; it's not exactly Greasers vs. Socs, but do keep in mind APD has a long history of using deadly force to stop crimes of passion like jaywalking and nothing illegal whatsoever.
Austin is home to more bats than humans, so eat your heart out Gotham City. The term 'bat guano' is semi-redundant, and the term 'Living in Houston' is an oxymoron.
If while in Austin you are planning on taking one of those pedi-cabs I always get stuck behind, fuck you.
Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland; who will drive the Dallas-ites out of Austin, and what color shall we make the beer in your honor?
Have fun and welcome to our great town!
Cross-posted at BOR